


If You Want

by heygaymayday



Category: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Romance, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn, Teenage Drama, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 49,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heygaymayday/pseuds/heygaymayday
Summary: An AU side project set in a world where the outbreak never happened.Ellie turns off the phone because oh shit-- why does that seem like the best compliment anyone has ever given her? "Ur def not dumb," Dina's text had said. It's hardly even recognizable words, and yet her stupid heart is hammering like a dummy.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 299
Kudos: 710





	1. Hamlet, You Dick

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter/Tumblr: @heygaymayday

Holy shit, how long has she been sitting here? A fucking century? It feels like a fucking century, at least. She’s slumped in her chair, head in her hands, barely managing to stay awake, because this is the longest fucking forty-five minutes of her entire life.

Is this man really still talking? Jesus Christ, he’s still talking. He’s still going on and on and what page are they on? Shit--she’s lost, she’s definitely got her book open to the wrong page, but fuck it--who cares about fucking Hamlet anyway?

Something hits the side of her face, bounces off, lands in her lap. 

She looks up, annoyed; one seat up, in the aisle, there's a girl with her dark hair pulled up into a loose knot. She glances back at Ellie, gives a small grin, and there's something there, in the shape of that smile, that makes Ellie's pulse quicken, just a little.

Ellie unfolds the paper, finds a message.

_Hamlet sounds like a total dick._

Ellie scoffs, looks back up at the other girl, but she's turned around now. Is this for real? She knows her, the dark-haired girl--Dina. There isn't a person in this school who _doesn_ ' _t_ know Dina. She's a social chameleon, one of those rare people who can just move between all the different cliques and groups and genres like it's nothing. Band kids, drama nerds, _nerd_ nerds, athletes, cheerleaders, the agriculture kids, the stoners and metalheads and even that one group of kids who are all really way too into ska music--Dina's friends with them all. 

She's friends with everyone. Except for Ellie.

It probably has to do with the fact that Ellie doesn't really belong to any of those groups. Joel keeps saying she's gonna find her _niche_ , but it's been a year since they moved here and that still hasn't happened. Which Joel is way more worried about than she is, honestly.

Kids are fucking monsters. Joel doesn't understand that, but she does. She's been the new kid enough times to know just how much _fitting in_ is a load of bullshit. That it's way more work than it's worth.

Plus--what the fuck do these kids know? Wandering around in their little snowy mountain town, pretending to be cool and interesting and complex. They don't know shit about the real world. Not like Ellie does. She doesn't give a shit if they like her, or accept her, or want to be around her. Two more years and she won't have to see any of them ever again. 

But sometimes--only _sometimes_ \--she did find herself wishing, only a little, that maybe Dina would talk to her, too.

Ellie flattens the paper out on her desk, picks up a pencil to write out a response.

“Williams, are you actually taking down notes?” A voice says behind her, and Mr. Merlino reaches down, pulls the paper off her desk. 

_Fuck._

“Knew it was too good to be true--is this how you really feel?” He asks, “ _Hamlet sounds like a total--_ hm. Such vulgarities are unbecoming of a lady.”

The class gives an uncomfortable laugh.

“Maybe you want to tell us more about your thoughts, since you're clearly very invested and paying attention?”

“No, Mr. Merlino,” Ellie grumbles, “I’m good.”

“No, Miss Williams, since you’re constantly either sleeping, disrupting the class with your inappropriate jokes, or just plain not present, maybe it’s only appropriate that you should give us a summary of what’s going on so far--”

“Dude, I’m fine, what’s your problem--”

“I’m not your _dude,_ ” Merlino snaps, “Stand up and tell the class what you know about Hamlet, Williams.”

Ellie stands up in an angry huff, looks out at the rest of the class. She’s particularly aware of Dina watching her, waiting to see what she’s going to do.

“Sure thing, Mr. Merlino,” She says with a false cheeriness, “Let me tell you what I know about Hamlet--dude is a total dick. No one wants to listen to you whine, Hamlet. _Oh, I’m a motherfuckin’ prince and I can’t make even one damn decision for myself, guess I’ll just die._ The fuck is that about? Get the fuck out of here with that shit, Hamlet, you _dick_ \--”

Merlino sighs. 

“Go to the office,” He says tiredly as the class erupts into laughter.

“Gotcha,” She says succinctly, reaches down to grab her backpack from the floor, “I’ll just fuckin’ _double double toil and trouble_ my way down to the office then--”

“That’s from _Macbeth!”_ Merlino calls at her back as she leaves.

“What the fuck ever,” She mumbles to herself in the hall.

When she gets to the principal’s office, the secretary shakes her head knowingly and Ellie takes a seat outside the door, whistling a jaunty tune. This isn't exactly her first tour of the principal's office--she knows the drill by now.

Her phone begins to buzz.

> _Message from:_
> 
> _555-8843: holy shit_
> 
> _555-8843: that was fucking amazing_
> 
> _Ellie: wait who is this_
> 
> _555-8843: dina_
> 
> _555-8843: got ur # from cat_

Ellie pauses, stares down at the phone. Oh, shit. _Dina_ is texting her. Fucking _Dina._

> _Ellie: cool_

Ellie hesitates, thumbs poised over the screen. Shit, shit, shit. She has to say something else, something better than just _cool,_ oh god, what's wrong with her, why won't her brain work--

> _Dina: u shoulda told him it was me_
> 
> _Dina: u didn't have to take all that shit from him_
> 
> _Dina: what an asshole_
> 
> _Ellie: snitches get stitches_
> 
> _Ellie: I'm not a rat_
> 
> _Ellie: at least he probs isn't gonna try to make me say shit in front of the class anymore_
> 
> _Dina: fuck no he won't lol_
> 
> _Dina: whole class is still laughing_
> 
> _Dina: he's losing his shit_
> 
> _Ellie: fuck him_
> 
> _Ellie: he thought i was too dumb to know hamlet_
> 
> _Ellie: thought he could embarrass me_
> 
> _Ellie: had to fuck an old man up w my shakespeare truth bombs_
> 
> _Dina: lol_
> 
> _Dina: ur def not dumb_

Ellie turns off the phone because _oh shit--_ why does that seem like the best compliment anyone has ever given her? _Ur def not dumb._ It's hardly even recognizable words, and yet her stupid heart is hammering like a dummy. 

The principal's door opens, and she looks up to find him standing there in his ugly tie and his stupid shoes and his shiny head. He sighs at her, motions for her to come inside.

> _Ellie: brb gonna let hampton tell me he's disappointed in my character choices lol_
> 
> _Dina: don't let them get u down_
> 
> _Dina: btw we need to hang out_
> 
> _Dina: if u want_
> 
> _Dina: maybe_
> 
> _Dina: or whatever_
> 
> _Ellie: fuck yeah_
> 
> _Ellie: anytime_
> 
> _Ellie: or yeah like_
> 
> _Ellie: if you want_
> 
> _Ellie: whatever is cool_

"Williams!" Principal Hampton's voice breaks her attention away from the phone, "Put that away and get in here."

"Yeah, I'm coming," She says, stuffs the phone into her pocket, "Hold your horses, man."

And she hardly even hears him, throughout his tired lecture, because _holy motherfucking shit_ \--Dina wants to hang out with her.

_Holy. Shit._


	2. Shakespud

> **_TUESDAY,_ ** 1:47 PM
> 
> Message from: **DINAsaur**
> 
> Dina: hey wya
> 
> Ellie: fucking french class ugh
> 
> Dina: oh shit
> 
> Dina: tell me something in french
> 
> Ellie: uh
> 
> Ellie: bonjour?
> 
> Ellie: that’s about all the french i know
> 
> Ellie: even though i’ve been taking it
> 
> Ellie: for like 2 damn yrs
> 
> Dina: damn
> 
> Dina: that’s rough
> 
> Ellie: fuckin tell me about it man
> 
> Ellie: where are you
> 
> Dina: hanging out in the theater dept
> 
> Dina: r u still coming to rehearsal tonight
> 
> Ellie: have to finish painting that set piece 
> 
> Ellie: or my art grade will be fucked too
> 
> Ellie: and joel will like
> 
> Ellie: literally blow a gasket in his brain
> 
> Ellie: so yeah
> 
> Ellie: I’ll be there
> 
> Dina: it looks good so far
> 
> Dina: the set
> 
> Dina: u guys have done a good job
> 
> Ellie: it’s mostly cat
> 
> Ellie: she’s good at organizing that stuff
> 
> Ellie: i just do what she tells me
> 
> Dina: i noticed
> 
> Dina: but we’re doing a dress rehearsal
> 
> Dina: so u’ll get to see costumes tonight
> 
> Ellie: so i get to see you like
> 
> Ellie: in ur juliet dress?????
> 
> Ellie: is that legal?
> 
> Dina: LOL
> 
> Dina: it’s not a wedding???
> 
> Dina: and
> 
> Dina: i mean it’s not against the law?
> 
> Dina: even at a wedding
> 
> Ellie: okay okay okay
> 
> Ellie: i was just making sure
> 
> Ellie: i’m stoked
> 
> Ellie: I bet it’s an amazing costume
> 
> Dina: it is
> 
> Dina: jesse looks nice too
> 
> Dina: in his romeo getup
> 
> Dina: his hat has a feather
> 
> Dina: makes me laugh like every time??
> 
> Dina: it’s kind of a problem
> 
> Ellie: he probably loves the feather
> 
> Ellie: cool that u guys like
> 
> Ellie: got cast together in the play
> 
> Ellie: since ur dating and all
> 
> Ellie: must make things easier
> 
> Ellie: like when like
> 
> Ellie: there’s the kiss
> 
> Ellie: or whatever
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Ellie: with the kissing
> 
> Ellie: just bc like
> 
> Ellie: at least ur not kissing like
> 
> Ellie: someone u haven’t kissed before
> 
> Dina: r u ok
> 
> Dina: ur saying the word kiss a lot
> 
> Dina: like a lot
> 
> Ellie: i’m just saying
> 
> Ellie: it’s lucky is all
> 
> Dina: yeah i guess
> 
> Dina: but also i’m just you know
> 
> Dina: good at acting
> 
> Ellie: well yeah
> 
> Ellie: of course
> 
> Ellie: i didn’t mean it was just luck
> 
> Ellie: i just meant
> 
> Ellie: fuck
> 
> Ellie: i’m sorry
> 
> Dina: LOL i’m just fucking w u
> 
> Dina: ur cute when u get all like
> 
> Dina: stuck on a thing
> 
> Dina: weird
> 
> Dina: but cute
> 
> Ellie: thnx
> 
> Ellie: hey 
> 
> Ellie: did u see the drawing i did
> 
> Ellie: its in the girls bathroom
> 
> Ellie: in the english building
> 
> Dina: NO
> 
> Dina: can’t believe i missed a new one
> 
> Ellie: it’s a potato
> 
> Ellie: but it looks like shakespeare
> 
> Ellie: i call it Shakespud
> 
> Dina: wtf
> 
> Dina: that’s so dumb and I love it
> 
> Dina: lol
> 
> Ellie: to peel or not to peel
> 
> Ellie: that is the question
> 
> Dina: a fry by any other name
> 
> Dina: would taste as sweet
> 
> Dina: especially with ketchup
> 
> Ellie: LOL
> 
> Ellie: ur funny
> 
> Ellie: I like you
> 
> Dina: yeah?
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: like i think
> 
> Ellie: we’re gonna be good friends
> 
> Ellie: that kind of like
> 
> Ellie: not like
> 
> Ellie: in a weird way
> 
> Ellie: or whatever
> 
> Dina: oh
> 
> Dina: gotcha
> 
> Dina: yeah I kinda thought we were like
> 
> Dina: already friends
> 
> Dina: are we not friends yet
> 
> Dina: cause I really think we should be
> 
> Dina: friends i mean
> 
> Ellie: well yeah
> 
> Ellie: yeah we’re friends
> 
> Ellie: i’m leaving french class
> 
> Ellie: i’ll see u at rehearsal ok
> 
> Dina: i’m gonna send u more shakespuds
> 
> Dina: when I think of them i mean
> 
> Dina: is that cool?
> 
> Ellie: that’s very cool
> 
> Ellie: i want all the shakespuds u got
> 
> **_TUESDAY,_ ** 11:21 PM
> 
> Message from: **DINAsaur**
> 
> Dina: u up
> 
> Ellie: totally
> 
> Ellie: what’s up
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: bonjour
> 
> Dina: ur totally killing this french thing
> 
> Ellie: I know right
> 
> Dina: what did u think of the costume
> 
> Dina: the juliet costume
> 
> Ellie: i liked it
> 
> Ellie: it was
> 
> Ellie: very like
> 
> Ellie: shakespeare looking
> 
> Dina: lol what
> 
> Ellie: i mean u looked nice
> 
> Ellie: really nice
> 
> Ellie: i liked jesse’s feather
> 
> Ellie: it’s very tall
> 
> Dina: it’s ridiculously tall
> 
> Dina: why is it so tall
> 
> Ellie: bc feathers were taller you know
> 
> Ellie: in shakespeare days
> 
> Ellie: all the feathers were like
> 
> Ellie: just real tall
> 
> Dina: that does not sound accurate
> 
> Ellie: would i lie to u
> 
> Dina: i don’t know
> 
> Dina: would u
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: never
> 
> Dina: i still don’t believe u
> 
> Dina: about shakespeare feathers
> 
> Ellie: well my history grade is tanked too
> 
> Ellie: so i wouldn’t trust me either
> 
> Dina: listen u can’t fail these classes
> 
> Dina: joel will ground u
> 
> Dina: and then we can’t hang out
> 
> Ellie: ur making good points
> 
> Ellie: but french is hard
> 
> Ellie: and so is history
> 
> Ellie: i’m just a dumb art kid
> 
> Ellie: only so much i can do
> 
> Dina: ur not dumb
> 
> Dina: like really not dumb
> 
> Dina: like at least not the bad kind
> 
> Ellie: is there a good kind of dumb?
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: of course
> 
> Dina: shakespud
> 
> Ellie: lol
> 
> Ellie: okay
> 
> Ellie: so i’m the good kind of dumb
> 
> Dina: the best kind
> 
> Dina: i’m getting tired
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry if I fall asleep
> 
> Dina: i’m really trying to stay up
> 
> Ellie: why 
> 
> Ellie: go to sleep
> 
> Ellie: school in the morning
> 
> Dina: idk i just like
> 
> Dina: i like talking to u
> 
> Dina: u make me laugh
> 
> Ellie: good
> 
> Ellie: but right now
> 
> Ellie: go to sleep
> 
> Ellie: i’ll come see u tomorrow
> 
> Ellie: at the theater dept
> 
> Ellie: if u want i mean
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: i’d like that
> 
> Ellie: night dina
> 
> Dina: good night ellie


	3. Flowers

Ellie opens up the closet, pushes through the clothes there. Nothing is right. Each hanger makes a sharp little scraping noise as she yanks them past. _No, no, no._

Fucking _clothes._ Why does it have to be so hard, just finding something to wear? Something that doesn’t make her feel like she’s trying to put on someone else’s skin. Like she’s trying too hard, pretending to be something she’s not.

It has to be something nice, because tonight’s the night. The big play. And she keeps thinking about Dina, up there on stage, and Dina off stage, and Dina in the halls, and Dina sitting at her desk, and Dina, Dina, _Dina._

Fuck, she has to get a hold of herself and stop being such a fucking weirdo. 

She just wants to look nice, in case she gets a chance to talk to Dina after the play. She probably won’t, because Dina has like a thousand people who will want to talk to her and Ellie’s not going to try to compete, not going to try to force her way in, but--still, she just wants a second, just wants Dina to know she was there. That’s normal, right? This is a normal friend thing. Friends do this. Think like this. Have these feelings.

This is fucking normal. 

Maybe if she says it enough, she’ll start to believe it.

“JOEL,” She calls, “Where’s my white shirt? I can’t find it anywhere--”

“Can you be more specific?” He calls back from somewhere in the house.

“With the--it’s a button down!” She says, “It’s a dress shirt--”

She hears his footsteps on the stairs; he leans into her door, points toward the closet.

“Your formal wear ain’t exactly in high demand, case you haven’t noticed--I’d check all the way in the back of the closet there.”

She dives back into the closet, pushes everything aside--and it’s there, like he said, in the very back. She pulls it out, starts to take it off the hanger.

“Sure you don’t wanna wear, like...I don’t know, a nice dress or…?” Joel tries to suggest gently.

“No,” She says shortly, “I don’t _do_ dresses.”

“Okay,” He says, leans against the door frame, “No dresses. How about, uh--there’s a nice shirt in there with the...you know, the flowers--”

“I…” She stops, looks back at the closet, at the flowery sleeve hanging there among the plaid flannel and thin t-shirts, “I tried it,” She says with resignation, like someone admitting to a crime, “It didn’t--it didn’t work.”

“Didn’t work?” Joel asks, “What’s that mean?”

“It means it just didn’t work, Joel!” She says with growing frustration, “I don’t know how to explain it to you--”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand--clothes got one job, to cover you up. If it fits, it works.”

“No, that’s now the way it is. That’s not what I mean.”

“Then I’m lost--”

“How about _you_ put on the flowery shirt, then,” She says pointedly.

“What?” He laughs.

“Yeah, and if it fits, then it works, right?”

“Well...it wouldn’t fit,” He says, “We got a bit of a...size discrepancy here, you know.”

“Okay, pretend it did fit. Pretend you were looking at yourself in the mirror in that flowery thing. Would it work?”

He stares hard at her with an expression somewhere between amusement and polite confusion. But then, slowly, something else. A thin glimmer of understanding.

“Nothing _works_ , Joel,” She says, and there’s a blooming sense of desperation, because it feels like something is collapsing inside her, “ _Nothing fucking works._ I don’t feel like _me_ in any of this stuff. I don’t feel like...like _anyone.”_

She drops into her desk chair. Why does she feel like crying? Because this can’t be normal. This can’t be how everyone else feels. Everyone else just puts on their clothes and goes about their day. They put on dresses and make up and it just _works_ for them--it doesn’t give them this deep gut feeling of distress, doesn’t make them feel like a stranger in their own goddamn body.

“Huh…” He says slowly from the doorway, “Okay. Try on the white shirt and--I think I might have something that’ll help.”

“What?” She says with skepticism.

“Just--do it for me, okay?” He says, “I’ll be right back.”

She sighs as he disappears from the doorway, pulls the door closed behind him.

She changes into the shirt, looks at herself in the mirror. She takes a deep breath, rolls up the sleeves, because maybe that will help. And it almost feels right--white button down, black jeans, her canvas sneakers. That rattling sense of uneasiness in her seems to lessen, quiet down, at least a little. 

Joel knocks at the door. 

She lets him in and he holds something up.

“Uh--thought maybe this would kinda help...pull the whole thing together.”

It’s one of his own long, black neck ties.

She lets out a small laugh, because--holy shit, it’s perfect.

“Alright, look--” He drapes it over her neck, “You gotta practice this, but it starts like this--”

And he shows her how to tuck and pull and straighten up the knot, how to get it just right. She folds the collar of the shirt down, over the neck of the tie, and looks herself over in the mirror again. Joel is standing behind her, looking as anxious as she’d felt just a few moments before.

But she doesn’t feel anxious now. No, now she feels like goddamn royalty. Like a badass. Like _Ellie._

“Thanks, Joel,” She says, running the tie between her fingers experimentally for a second, “Like...really, thanks. This is...the _shit.”_

“And that’s...that’s good? That’s a good thing?”

“It’s a really good thing.”

“Good,” He says with a relieved sigh, “You need a, uh--you need a jacket, you know. Like a suit jacket. Ain’t got time tonight but...you know, maybe we could go look for one. Y’know--just for fancy stuff like this.”

“Oh my god--can we?” She asks, meeting his gaze in the mirror.

“Yeah, course. I mean...you’re right, y’know. I wouldn’t wanna wear a dress or flowers, either. Life’s too short for wearin’ stuff that makes you unhappy, right?”

“Hell yeah,” Ellie laughs, “Joel...you’re the best.”

“Yeah, well...I do what I can. Now you better hurry up or you’re gonna be late.”

“Cat’s gonna be here soon--” Ellie says, and she hurries through the room, collects the belongings she’ll need for the night, “--I gotta get downstairs--”

“Cat’s got a license?” Joel asks, “Is she--hey, are you listening to me? Y’all need to be careful, I mean it!”

“Yeah, yeah, gotcha, Joel--” Ellie says, heading for the door, “--we’ll be careful--”

“Be back by eleven, Ellie--not a minute later--”

“Not a single minute, cross my heart!” She pauses, just outside the bedroom door, leans back inside, eyes on the floor; she hesitates a second, then says, “I...thank you, Joel. Like...for real. Thanks.”

“It’s, uh…” He hesitates, too, sticks his hands in his pockets; he gives a stoic nod, “It’s my privilege, y’know. Go have a good time. Just--not too good.”

“Not too good,” Ellie says, “Just the medium range of good. Got it.”

She disappears from the doorway, and her footsteps echo on the stairs. 

Joel looks at himself in the mirror.

Yeah, flowers definitely wouldn’t work for him, either.


	4. Click

> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 10:22 am.
> 
> Message From: DINAsaur
> 
> Dina: yo
> 
> Dina: did u see that new place
> 
> Dina: the one with custard and coffee
> 
> Ellie: custard?
> 
> Dina: it's ice cream
> 
> Dina: but different
> 
> Dina: but mostly the same
> 
> Dina: and they also have coffee 
> 
> Ellie: blech
> 
> Ellie: coffee = gag
> 
> Dina: but it's fancy coffee
> 
> Dina: come on
> 
> Dina: no one hates iced macchiatos
> 
> Ellie: iced what now
> 
> Dina: a macchiato
> 
> Dina: you have to try it
> 
> Dina: they'll put ice cream in it too
> 
> Dina: come try it with me
> 
> Dina: maybe after school today
> 
> Ellie: am i allowed to just have the ice cream
> 
> Dina: u have to try new things ellie
> 
> Dina: I'll get a macchiato 
> 
> Dina: u get some custard 
> 
> Dina: and we'll go from there
> 
> Ellie: deal
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 10:58 am.
> 
> Message From: Ben
> 
> Ben: did u finish that drawing for me
> 
> Ben: the dragon
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: I'll give it to you in french class
> 
> Ellie: are u really gonna get it tattooed
> 
> Ben: hell yeah
> 
> Ben: right on my arm
> 
> Ben: it's gonna be sick
> 
> Ben: u should think about getting one
> 
> Ellie: what a tattoo
> 
> Ellie: joel would kill me
> 
> Ben: u don't know
> 
> Ben: it's ur life
> 
> Ben: get a tattoo if u want
> 
> Ellie: lol maybe yeah 
> 
> Ellie: a sleeve would be fucking awesome
> 
> Ellie: i might do it
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 11:02 am.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: hey
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Cat: how's it going
> 
> Ellie: it's fine
> 
> Ellie: just living my best life
> 
> Ellie: y'know here at school 
> 
> Ellie: livin la vida loca
> 
> Cat: lol
> 
> Cat: ur funny u know
> 
> Ellie: i do my best 
> 
> Cat: listen
> 
> Cat: i think i made things weird
> 
> Cat: the other night at the play
> 
> Cat: backstage
> 
> Cat: i don't want things to be weird
> 
> Cat: like between us
> 
> Ellie: no it’s cool
> 
> Ellie: I didn’t mean to like...
> 
> Ellie: freak out, I guess.
> 
> Ellie: I just wasn’t really expecting it
> 
> Cat: it’s my fault
> 
> Cat: i just assumed
> 
> Cat: and that’s not ok
> 
> Cat: i’m sorry
> 
> Ellie: no don’t be sorry
> 
> Ellie: i’m not like upset or anything
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Ellie: you didn’t assume wrong
> 
> Cat: I didn’t?
> 
> Ellie: no.
> 
> Ellie: i just don’t like…
> 
> Ellie: talk about it a lot I guess
> 
> Ellie: i’m not really used to being open about it
> 
> Ellie: so u just caught me off guard
> 
> Ellie: but it’s not like I hated it
> 
> Ellie: it’s not like i hate you
> 
> Cat: you don’t hate me?
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: of course not
> 
> Ellie: I think ur super cool
> 
> Cat: well
> 
> Cat: would you wanna
> 
> Cat: i don’t know
> 
> Cat: hang out or something
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: I have plans w Dina today
> 
> Ellie: but like
> 
> Ellie: we could hang out sometime
> 
> Cat: Dina--like DINA dina?
> 
> Ellie: I...guess?
> 
> Ellie: she’s the only dina i know lol
> 
> Cat: oh
> 
> Cat: ok
> 
> Ellie: is that bad
> 
> Cat: no
> 
> Cat: just
> 
> Cat: i don’t know
> 
> Cat: u know she’s dating jesse right
> 
> Ellie: yeah i know
> 
> Ellie: it’s not like that
> 
> Ellie: i don’t even think SHE’S like that
> 
> Ellie: we’re just friends
> 
> Cat: k
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 11:38 am.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: ellie ur school called
> 
> Joel: y did u draw a potato in the bathroom
> 
> Joel: a potato
> 
> Joel: y
> 
> Joel: u come home right after school 
> 
> Joel: we need to talk
> 
> Joel: a potato ellie
> 
> Joel: good god
> 
> Joel: hello
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: dammit ellie
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 12:31 pm.
> 
> Message From: Adelaide
> 
> Adelaide: just saw shakespud
> 
> Adelaide: ur a genius
> 
> Adelaide: i fuckin love it
> 
> Ellie: he’s a masterpiece
> 
> Ellie: and i love him
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 12:40 PM.
> 
> Message From: JSHS AUTOMATED NOTIFICATION SYSTEM
> 
> JCKSN HS: JACKSON SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL REMINDS ITS STUDENTS THAT GRAFFITI IS NOT AN ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR CODE OF CONDUCT AND DISPLAYS BEHAVIOR OUTSIDE THE PARAMETERS OF OUR KEYSTONES FOR EXCELLENT CHARACTER. ANY STUDENT CAUGHT DEFACING SCHOOL PROPERTY WILL BE SUBJECT TO DISCIPLINARY ACTION UP TO AND INCLUDING LONG TERM SUSPENSION. 
> 
> THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY, JSHS PANTHERS.
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ **12:51 PM.
> 
> Message From: DINAsaur
> 
> Dina: still on for today
> 
> Ellie: yeah for sure
> 
> Ellie: gonna get my macchiato on
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry what?
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Ellie: i’m gonna try the thing
> 
> Ellie: the macchiato
> 
> Ellie: with the coffee
> 
> Ellie: even though I hate it
> 
> Ellie: because i trust you
> 
> Dina: ur so corny and it’s amazing
> 
> Ellie: thank...you?
> 
> Ellie: i think?
> 
> Dina: so you ARE gonna try the macchiato?
> 
> Ellie: u said it’s good
> 
> Ellie: i trust you
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Dina: wow
> 
> Dina: she trusts me
> 
> Dina: big step
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ ** 1:24 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: ELLIE
> 
> Joel: u need to answer ur phone
> 
> Joel: this ain’t a game you know
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY_**. 1:38 pm. 
> 
> Message From: DINAsaur
> 
> Dina: hey so
> 
> Dina: i ran into cat
> 
> Dina: she was acting weird
> 
> Dina: asked a lot of question about u
> 
> Dina: what’s up with that
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Dina: she asked about our plans for today
> 
> Dina: she was kinda mean?
> 
> Dina: cat’s never mean
> 
> Ellie: weird
> 
> Dina: super weird
> 
> Dina: she seemed kinda like…
> 
> Dina: jealous?
> 
> Ellie: well
> 
> Dina: yeah?
> 
> Ellie: i mean it’s really dumb
> 
> Dina: what’s dumb
> 
> Ellie: it’s just a thing
> 
> Ellie: something that happened
> 
> Ellie: the other night at the play
> 
> Dina: what happened
> 
> Dina: did u guys fight
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: not exactly
> 
> Ellie: well not at all
> 
> Ellie: kind of the opposite?
> 
> Dina: the opposite of fighting?
> 
> Dina: is this like a riddle
> 
> Dina: can u just tell me what happened
> 
> Dina: i mean u don’t have to
> 
> Dina: it’s ur business
> 
> Ellie: we were just looking at the set pieces
> 
> Ellie: like after the play
> 
> Ellie: we’d worked so hard, you know?
> 
> Ellie: and idk
> 
> Ellie: it got quiet
> 
> Ellie: and then she just
> 
> Ellie: she kissed me?
> 
> Dina: SHE WHAT
> 
> Dina: oh shit
> 
> Dina: OH shit
> 
> Dina: oh
> 
> Dina: ok
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: i mean
> 
> Dina: that’s cool
> 
> Dina: i didn’t know u guy were
> 
> Dina: like a thing or whatever you know
> 
> Dina: i didn’t mean to like 
> 
> Dina: get in between or whatever
> 
> Ellie: no dina it’s fine
> 
> Ellie: we’re not a thing
> 
> Ellie: it’s not a thing
> 
> Ellie: it was just a kiss
> 
> Ellie: and it got kinda…
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: weird
> 
> Ellie: i made it weird i think
> 
> Ellie: she just surprised me
> 
> Dina: oh
> 
> Dina: i mean
> 
> Dina: u didn’t even tell me u were like
> 
> Dina: that u were you know
> 
> Dina: that u
> 
> Dina: you know
> 
> Ellie: that i like girls?
> 
> Ellie: it didn’t exactly come up in conversation
> 
> Ellie: it didn’t seem like something we had to talk about
> 
> Dina: well no
> 
> Dina: not if you don’t want to talk about it
> 
> Ellie: i don’t really
> 
> Ellie: joel doesn’t know
> 
> Ellie: it’s still…
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: weird
> 
> Ellie: just not ready for the whole school to know
> 
> Ellie: you know?
> 
> Dina: yeah no i get it
> 
> Dina: i understand
> 
> Dina: people are the worst
> 
> Dina: teenagers are the worst
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i guess cat is really open about it
> 
> Ellie: and i’m like
> 
> Ellie: just not there yet i guess
> 
> Dina: so is that why it was weird
> 
> Dina: just cause ur not like
> 
> Dina: ready to be open about it
> 
> Dina: I mean
> 
> Dina: do you like cat?
> 
> Ellie: well she’s great
> 
> Ellie: i think she’s awesome
> 
> Ellie: and super cool
> 
> Ellie: and talented
> 
> Ellie: and nice
> 
> Dina: ...but?
> 
> Ellie: but idk
> 
> Ellie: i’m not sure we really like
> 
> Ellie: click
> 
> Dina: what do you mean
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: u know how sometimes u meet someone
> 
> Ellie: and talking w them is just
> 
> Ellie: easy
> 
> Ellie: u just say what’s in ur brain
> 
> Ellie: and u don’t have to change it
> 
> Ellie: don’t have to like
> 
> Ellie: translate it or fix it
> 
> Ellie: they just get you, exactly how u are
> 
> Ellie: it’s so easy that they start to feel like
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: like home
> 
> Ellie: have u ever felt that
> 
> Dina: wow
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: maybe
> 
> Ellie: i mean that’s how u feel about jesse
> 
> Ellie: right?
> 
> Ellie: dina?
> 
> Ellie: hello?
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: maybe
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: i really don’t know
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: well i mean
> 
> Ellie: u guys have a different thing
> 
> Ellie: maybe
> 
> Dina: yeah maybe
> 
> Dina: bell’s about to ring
> 
> Dina: meet u in the parking lot?
> 
> Ellie: yeah i’ll be right there


	5. Come Here

There’s a kind of magic, Ellie decides, in nights like these. 

Windows down. Music drifting, low and lazy, from the speakers. Dina, stretched out in the passenger seat, fingers trailing in the slipstream outside the window, her dark waves a little wild in the wind. The streetlights leading them along roads they’ve already been tonight, three or four or five times, because there’s nowhere to go in this town.

And that’s okay. They don’t need to go anywhere. This is enough.

But as the night wears on, Ellie decides to steer the truck in a direction she knows. Out to the lake.

The tires crunch against gravel as they pull into the little trailhead; the lake is gleaming and smooth and black, almost like glass, here in the dark. Beyond the opposite shore, the mountains are a rolling horizon line in the distance. The sky is clear here, unpolluted by light from the town; it seems infinite, that deep, soft darkness overhead, scattered with stars. 

She turns off the engine, leans back against the seat, and they don’t even need to say anything. It’s just an easy, full silence, a warm and perfect quiet.

Magic, Ellie decides again. Nights like these, they’re like bubbles. Perfect, protected moments of nothing, and everything. Easy and unhurried and precious. Happy.

They sit like that for a long time. In the cupholder, the ice left over from a macchiato melts slowly in its plastic cup. 

In Ellie's pocket, her phone is buzzing. Has been buzzing for a while. She glances at the screen, which is blazing the word _JOEL._ She holds the power button down, watches the screen go black, pushes it back into her pocket.

Ellie turns her head, looks for Dina--but Dina is already looking at her. She looks relaxed, and still, but something in her face looks almost like _worry._

“It’s getting late,” She says in a voice so small Ellie almost can’t hear her.

“I know,” Ellie says, quiet, because she doesn’t want to break the bubble, doesn’t want to risk disrupting whatever it is that’s holding this fragile magic together.

“I don’t wanna go home yet,” Dina says.

Her eyes are locked on Ellie’s, and it’s like trying to turn away from a magnet--she couldn’t look away, even if she wanted. Which she doesn’t. 

“Me either,” Ellie confesses.

Dina hesitates, says, “I think I already miss you.” 

A slow, crooked kind of smile pulls at Ellie’s lips.

“Yeah?”

Dina smiles back, easy and content.

“Yeah. Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Ellie laughs lightly, leans her head back against the seat, “For the record--I think I already miss you, too.”

“This is what you were talking about, right?” Dina asks, “When it’s just...easy, like this?”

Ellie gives the smallest of shrugs.

“I mean...this feels really easy to me. Has always felt really easy to me.”

“What do we do with that?” Dina asks in a quiet, uncertain voice, “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” Ellie says, “What do you _want_ to do with it? What do you want it to mean?”

“I...I don’t know,” Dina says, “Does it have to mean anything? I just...want to be close to you. Do I have to decide what that means yet?”

“No,” Ellie says, “Just...come here.”

She extends a hand, bridges the cavernous gap of the bench seat between them. Dina hesitates, watches Ellie’s face for what seems like a long, unsure moment.

"No pressure," Ellie says, quiet, sincere.

Dina takes her hand, moves across the seat of the truck; Ellie puts her arm across Dina’s shoulders, lets Dina lean in against her. She smells like something light and delicate, like lavender soap and the first rain in spring. 

“Close enough?” Ellie asks after a quiet moment.

“Yeah,” Dina says, “For now.”

Ellie rests her chin against the top of Dina’s head, a little drunk on all that lavender, and looks through the windshield of the old truck, out over the lake.

“I really like you,” She says, barely a whisper, like the words just wouldn’t stay in her mouth, even if she’d wanted them to.

“I really like you, too,” Dina says, “It’s kind of terrifying.”

Ellie gives a small, wry smile.

“Yeah. I know.”

But this is okay, and good, and perfect. And whatever happens tomorrow, or the day after, this night happened, and can never be taken away. Whatever bullshit comes, whatever new ways her life decides to get fucked up in--this perfect bubble of a night happened. This perfect _nothing_ is perfectly _everything._

Although it doesn’t change the fact that when she does get home, eventually--Joel is going to lose his fucking mind.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song on Repeat:  
> Oceans by Seafret


	6. Macchi-What

She pulled into the driveway at Joel’s house still feeling warm and full; there was probably hell waiting inside, a furious Joel prepared to yell her down and institute some kind of punishment--and yet she was sitting there behind the steering wheel of her truck in the quiet, still dark and she couldn’t stop smiling. Like a lunatic. Like a pure and total maniac. 

She cut the engine, put her hands on the steering wheel, and laughed--quiet and fueled by a profound sense of disbelief. Had tonight really happened? Had it _really_ happened? _Really?_

She thought it had. She was pretty sure. She was very sure, actually. 

So it was worth it, whatever Joel did when she got inside. Whatever punishment, however long she was grounded, it was worth it.

She climbed out of the truck, headed to the front door. The lights were on, as she expected. She took a deep breath, let it out slow, reached for the door knob.

But before she could turn it, Joel opened it from the other side. He stood there for a second, filling up the door frame, still wearing his work clothes; there was a dark furrow to his brow that, for a second, legitimately gave her a tinge of fear. But she stood still, waiting for him to say something, do something, anything.

She had prepared herself for everything. Had prepared for a fight. For yelling, and door slamming, and tense silences.

She hadn’t prepared herself for the possibility that he would reach out and pull her into a crushing hug. 

She stood there stiffly, pulled in tight against him, and she didn’t know what to make of it, what to do. Caught completely off guard. What is this? What’s his game? This is weird. This is _weird._

He pulls away, holds her at arm’s length, but the shoulders. 

“Are you okay?” He asks in a strangely hoarse voice, “Are you hurt?”

“No,” She says, “No, I’m fine, I just...I lost track of the time.”

He lets her shoulders go, and it’s clear they both know that’s a lie. She’s been ignoring him since this afternoon, hasn’t answered his texts or his calls, has been unwilling to let him derail her own plans for the day. Now it’s almost midnight, and as she stands there in the little entryway, she catches sight of a picture on the wall. One she’s seen a thousand times now. Maybe more.

A picture of Joel and Sarah.

And the guilt floods her, threatens to completely overwhelm her senses, because she understands why he’s still in his work clothes. Has a sudden vision of him coming straight home, pacing the floor through the afternoon, through dinner, into the night. She imagines what must have been in his head. That he must have gone to the worst case scenario.

She understands, for a second, what she’s done.

“I’m...I’m sorry, Joel,” She says, “I...I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

He gives a deep, heavy sigh, looks down at his feet--still clad in his work boots. Ellie imagines him deciding not to take them off, in case he needs to go, in case he has to find her, in case she’s hurt. Not wanting to waste even the amount of time it would take to put his shoes back on. 

God, is she the biggest asshole who’s ever lived?

She really might be.

“It’s alright,” He says, “Just...come on inside already, okay?”

He moves aside, lets her come through the door. She lingers in the hall, because this isn’t enough--he has to yell at her, right? He has to do something. She deserves that much, at least. 

“Joel, I mean it, I didn’t--I didn’t think about it, I was just...I was hanging out with Dina and...I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole, I’m sorry.”

He closes the door, scrubs his face tiredly with one of those broad, square hands.

“Look…” He says slowly, “You’re not an asshole. You’re just a kid. And you’re not in trouble. I ain’t gonna yell at you. You been through more hell, taken care of yourself better and longer than most of the kids you’ll meet down there at that school. I ain’t your warden. This ain’t a prison. All I’m asking is that you let me know you’re okay. That’s all.”

She nods readily, easily.

“I mean it, Ellie. ‘Cause I can’t…” He pauses, shakes his head, looks at his feet. Shit, if he _cries_ , Ellie isn’t sure what she’ll do. Call the police on herself? Because it seems like the kind of thing that deserves jail time, making _Joel_ cry, “I can’t do another night like tonight. I really can’t. You gotta promise you won’t do this again.”

“I swear,” She says, “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

He studies her for a second, as if trying to gauge her sincerity. He must sense it, that she means it, because he nods, slow and tired.

“You, uh...you eaten anything yet?”

“Uh...I had a macchiato after school,” She says.

“A macchi-what now?” 

“It’s...like coffee.”

“Huh. Okay. Well, if you want real food, there’s a lasagna in there.”

“Have _you_ eaten?” She asks him.

“No, I put it in the oven, but I was...too busy to eat.” He says.

Too _scared_ , Ellie translates in her head.

“Do you wanna...have a real late dinner with me?” She asks him.

He doesn’t answer right away. 

“Yeah,” He finally says, “Yeah, let’s go eat, I guess. And then you can explain to me about this goddamn potato drawing your school is harassing me over.”

Oh, shit. She’d forgotten about that.

“Well…” She says as she leads the way to the kitchen, “See, he’s a potato, and he’s dressed like, y’know, Shakespeare, with the hair and the collar and all, and...well, his name is Shakespud…”

“Shake _what?”_

“Shakespud. Like--spud, like a potato--”

“Yeah, no, I hear it, I just don’t think it’s funny--”

“It’s a little funny, Joel. Shakespud is funny.”

She hears it behind her as he follows her to the table--a low, quiet laugh.

“It’s a _little_ funny," He says reluctantly, "But draw it on a piece of paper next time so I ain't got some puffed up school administrator callin' my phone, talkin' about suspendin' you over a damn potato."

"Oh, _paper,"_ She says, as if this is the most novel idea she's ever heard, "Why didn't I think of that?"

"I mean it, Ellie-- _paper._ "

"You have my word."

"Good."

"But also, no promises."

"...dammit, Ellie, just eat your lasagna."

\--

> _**THURSDAY**_. 7:16 am.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: are u alive
> 
> Dina: did joel freak out
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: he was actually
> 
> Ellie: cool?
> 
> Ellie: it was weird
> 
> Ellie: did ur parents catch u
> 
> Dina: no talia covered for me
> 
> Dina: i owe her big though
> 
> Dina: did you sleep
> 
> Ellie: yeah you
> 
> Dina: some
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: are u ok
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: why wouldn't i be ok
> 
> Ellie: are YOU ok
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: did i do something
> 
> Dina: no
> 
> Dina: it’s not you
> 
> Dina: it’s not anything
> 
> Dina: last night was so good
> 
> Dina: i’m making it weird
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry
> 
> Ellie: ur not making it weird
> 
> Ellie: it’s ok
> 
> Ellie: do u wanna talk about it
> 
> Ellie: i can come get you
> 
> Ellie: give u a ride to school
> 
> Dina: it’s ok
> 
> Dina: jesse’s already on his way
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: ok
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry
> 
> Dina: we’ll talk
> 
> Dina: promise
> 
> Dina: at lunch we’ll talk
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Ellie: ok
> 
> _**THURSDAY**_. 8:46 am.
> 
> Message From: Ben
> 
> Ben: scheduled the tattoo
> 
> Ben: Friday next week
> 
> Ben: Cat’s gonna come with me
> 
> Ben: u need to be there
> 
> Ben: so u can see ur dragon
> 
> Ben: on my arm
> 
> Ben: bc it will be a fucking TATTOO
> 
> Ellie: yeah maybe
> 
> Ellie: i’ll let u know
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 9:06 am.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: dinner tonight
> 
> Joel: spaghetti
> 
> Joel: regular time
> 
> Joel: not midnight time
> 
> Joel: u in
> 
> Ellie: i’m always in for spaghetti
> 
> Joel: i figured
> 
> Joel: tell shakespud he ain’t invited
> 
> Ellie: don’t be mean to shakespud :(
> 
> Joel: he
> 
> Joel: ain’t
> 
> Joel: invited
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 11:14 am.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: hey ellie
> 
> Cat: have u talked to ben
> 
> Ellie: about the tattoo yeah
> 
> Cat: so are u coming
> 
> Cat: he said u might come
> 
> Ellie: yeah i think i might
> 
> Ellie: i’ve been thinking about getting one
> 
> Cat: oh shit that’s awesome
> 
> Ellie: i really like yours
> 
> Ellie: where did u get them done
> 
> Cat: the same shop we’re going
> 
> Cat: it’s actually my uncle’s shop
> 
> Cat: don’t tell my mom but
> 
> Cat: i actually did the one one on my arm
> 
> Ellie: whaaat
> 
> Ellie: that’s fucking rad
> 
> Ellie: think u can help me come up with a design
> 
> Cat: hell yeah
> 
> Cat: we’ll come up with something awesome
> 
> Ellie: fucking sweet
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 1:18 pm.
> 
> Message To: Dina
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: looked for u at lunch
> 
> Ellie: maybe i just missed u
> 
> Ellie: dina?
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> Ellie: i guess just
> 
> Ellie: let me know if u still like
> 
> Ellie: wanna talk or whatever
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 2:17 pm.
> 
> Message From: Adelaide
> 
> Adelaide: hey do u have that essay done
> 
> Adelaide: the one on crime and punishment
> 
> Adelaide: trying to decide how fucked i am
> 
> Ellie: what essay
> 
> Adelaide: oh good so i’m not the only one who’s totally fucked
> 
> Ellie: WHAT ESSAY
> 
> _**THURSDAY.** _4:19 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: heading home
> 
> Joel: stopping for garlic bread
> 
> Joel: is that one movie out yet
> 
> Joel: you know with the guy
> 
> Joel: he’s got all the robot parts
> 
> Ellie: robosoldier?
> 
> Ellie: the acid took his body, but it can’t take his revenge
> 
> Joel: YEAH
> 
> Joel: is it out on the tv yet
> 
> Joel: with the internet thing
> 
> Joel: on the tv
> 
> Ellie: it’s on netflix yeah
> 
> Ellie: MOVIE NIGHT
> 
> Joel: MOVIE NIGHT
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 8:23 pm.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: i drew something up
> 
> Cat: for your tattoo
> 
> Cat: sending a picture now
> 
> Cat: [image received]
> 
> Ellie: holy shit
> 
> Ellie: it’s awesome
> 
> Ellie: love the ferns
> 
> Ellie: and the moth
> 
> Ellie: like on my guitar
> 
> Cat: u could get it done
> 
> Cat: this friday
> 
> Cat: with ben
> 
> Ellie: shit i could
> 
> Ellie: but I think maybe i should talk to joel
> 
> Ellie: at least warn him
> 
> Cat: sure
> 
> Cat: talk to him
> 
> Cat: and then get a tattoo on friday
> 
> Cat: shit you’re gonna look amazing
> 
> Ellie: but I already look amazing?
> 
> Cat: lol naturally
> 
> _**THURSDAY.**_ 11:04 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Dina: sorry about lunch
> 
> Ellie: it’s cool
> 
> Dina: i just got really busy
> 
> Dina: theater stuff
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i get it
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry ellie
> 
> Dina: really
> 
> Dina: i think i just maybe need--
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: i think i need a minute
> 
> Dina: just to process or
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: ok
> 
> Ellie: i’ll see u around
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry ellie
> 
> Dina: i still wanna hang out
> 
> Dina: and get macchiatos
> 
> Dina: and talk about shakespud
> 
> Dina: i’m just dealing w like a lot
> 
> Dina: and jesse and everything
> 
> Dina: ellie?  
>   
>   
> 


	7. Tweetment

> **_TUESDAY_ **. 8:46 pm.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: hey love
> 
> Cat: don’t forget about that test tomorrow
> 
> Cat: you studied right
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: for sure
> 
> Ellie: totally
> 
> Ellie: what test
> 
> Ellie: i’ve just studied for so many
> 
> Ellie: so much studying
> 
> Cat: ELLIE
> 
> Ellie: CAT
> 
> Ellie: for real tho what test
> 
> Cat: ENGLISH TEST
> 
> Cat: ELLIE WILLIAMS
> 
> Cat: go study
> 
> Ellie: studying right now
> 
> Ellie: studying so hard
> 
> Cat: you’re playing video games aren’t u
> 
> Ellie: I’m offended
> 
> Ellie: also yes
> 
> Cat: STOP
> 
> Cat: GO STUDY
> 
> Cat: I MEAN IT
> 
> Cat: or no kissing
> 
> Ellie: oh shit
> 
> Ellie: logged off
> 
> Ellie: studying candide so much
> 
> Ellie: like so much voltaire
> 
> Cat: good
> 
> Cat: see u in the morning
> 
> Ellie: unless i die of boredom
> 
> Ellie: from so much studying
> 
> Cat: so dramatic
> 
> **_TUESDAY_ **. 10:10 pm.
> 
> Message From: Ben
> 
> Ben: yo you missed an epic match
> 
> Ben: Alexander got blown up so much he glitched into this secret area
> 
> Ben: it was fucking wild
> 
> Ben: why’d u drop out
> 
> Ellie: forgot to study for the english test
> 
> Ben: that’s not until next week
> 
> Ellie: cat says it’s tomorrow
> 
> Ben: what
> 
> Ellie: yeah and i trust cat
> 
> Ben: WHAT 
> 
> Ben: TOMORROW?????
> 
> Ben: oh fuck
> 
> Ellie: dude ur fucked
> 
> **_TUESDAY_ **. 10:28 pm.
> 
> Cat: going to bed
> 
> Cat: did u study
> 
> Ellie: i did
> 
> Ellie: for real
> 
> Ellie: read the whole last act again
> 
> Cat: good
> 
> Cat: because i like kissing you
> 
> Ellie: i like kissing u too
> 
> Ellie: like a lot
> 
> Ellie: like
> 
> Ellie: just
> 
> Ellie: very much
> 
> Cat: lol
> 
> Cat: ur cute
> 
> Cat: i think we should date
> 
> Ellie: do u think so?
> 
> Ellie: didn’t i ask u out like
> 
> Ellie: three months ago
> 
> Ellie: and didn’t u say yes
> 
> Cat: oh yeah i did say yes
> 
> Cat: i’m really glad
> 
> Cat: cause i kinda like you
> 
> Ellie: i like you too
> 
> Ellie: alright
> 
> Ellie: going to bed
> 
> Ellie: so i’m nice and rested for this test
> 
> Ellie: for which i have studied
> 
> Cat: it’s very hard to tell if ur joking
> 
> Cat: but i hope u really did study
> 
> Ellie: guess you’ll have to wait til tomorrow
> 
> Ellie: when i get a giant A on the test
> 
> Ellie: like a huge A
> 
> Ellie: the biggest A
> 
> Ellie: the best A
> 
> Cat: i hope so
> 
> Cat: the stakes are high
> 
> Cat: what are we gonna do together if there’s no kissing?
> 
> Ellie: um
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: we do more than kiss
> 
> Ellie: don’t we
> 
> Cat: sure
> 
> Cat: like we draw sometimes
> 
> Cat: and we went to that museum once
> 
> Cat: and we go to the movies
> 
> Cat: sometimes
> 
> Ellie: but we don’t watch the movies
> 
> Ellie: so
> 
> Ellie: does that count
> 
> Cat: yikes probably not
> 
> Cat: pls just study
> 
> **_TUESDAY_ **. 2:08 am.
> 
> Message From: _555-8843_
> 
> Dina: hey 
> 
> Dina: i know it’s stupid late
> 
> Dina: or early
> 
> Dina: and ur probably asleep
> 
> Dina: [typing]
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: r u ok
> 
> Dina: ur up?
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: i am now
> 
> Ellie: is something wrong
> 
> Dina: no
> 
> Dina: i just can’t sleep
> 
> Dina: and i just feel 
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: heavy
> 
> Dina: i think my mom and step dad are getting divorced
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: oh shit
> 
> Ellie: i’m sorry dina
> 
> Dina: not ur fault
> 
> Dina: they’ve been fighting for a long time
> 
> Dina: it’s probably for the best
> 
> Dina: but it’s still just
> 
> Dina: keeping me up i guess
> 
> Ellie: i’m sure it’ll be fine
> 
> Ellie: these things you know
> 
> Ellie: they work themselves out
> 
> Ellie: i just mean
> 
> Ellie: ur a survivor
> 
> Ellie: like me
> 
> Ellie: you’re gonna come through
> 
> Ellie: promise
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: ur right
> 
> Dina: thanks
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Ellie: how does a penguin build a house
> 
> Dina: how
> 
> Ellie: igloos it together
> 
> Dina: lol so dumb
> 
> Dina: i love it
> 
> Ellie: what do you do when you witness a shipwreck?
> 
> Dina: what do you do
> 
> Ellie: you let it sink in
> 
> Dina: shouldn’t u call for help
> 
> Dina: that just seems callous
> 
> Ellie: ok i just tell jokes
> 
> Ellie: i’m not the shipwreck police
> 
> Ellie: what did the socks say to the pants?
> 
> Dina: oh god
> 
> Dina: idk what
> 
> Ellie: ‘sup, britches
> 
> Dina: lmao STOP
> 
> Dina: okay
> 
> Dina: maybe one more
> 
> Ellie: well i have like a thousand
> 
> Ellie: so buckle up
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY_ **. 8:37 am.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: Ellie
> 
> Cat: ur falling asleep
> 
> Cat: i am watching u fall asleep
> 
> Cat: right now
> 
> Cat: in english
> 
> Cat: during the test
> 
> Cat: u said u were going to bed
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY_ **. 9:28 am.
> 
> Message From: JSHS AUTOMATED NOTIFICATION SYSTEM
> 
> JSHS: NOTICE TO ALL STUDENTS: STEPS ARE BEING TAKEN TO FIND THE INDIVIDUAL OR INDIVIDUALS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTINUED ACTS OF GRAFFITI PERPETRATED ON SCHOOL GROUNDS. THOSE RESPONSIBLE WILL RECEIVE THE MAXIMUM APPLICABLE DISCIPLINARY ACTION. STUDENTS WITH ANY KNOWLEDGE REGARDING THESE ACTS OF DEFACEMENT ARE ENCOURAGED TO REPORT WHAT THEY KNOW TO ADMINISTRATION. PLEASE DO YOUR PART TO HELP MAINTAIN A BEAUTIFUL AND ORDERLY CAMPUS.
> 
> THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY, JSHS PANTHERS!
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY._ **10:21 am.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: they’re talking about you right
> 
> Dina: i saw the sick bird over in the south hall
> 
> Dina: the one with the little speech bubble
> 
> Dina: you know
> 
> Dina: “i better get tweetment”
> 
> Ellie: lol
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: i plead the 5th
> 
> Dina: that’s a good plan
> 
> Dina: ask for a lawyer
> 
> Dina: that’s what they do on law and order
> 
> Ellie: law and order lol
> 
> Ellie; are you like a hundred yrs old
> 
> Dina: hey i like law and order
> 
> Dina: it’s topical
> 
> Ellie: it’s boring
> 
> Ellie: and like
> 
> Ellie: cop shows are the worst
> 
> Ellie: for so many reasons
> 
> Dina: ur not wrong
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: i just wanted to say thanks
> 
> Dina: for like
> 
> Dina: talking me through last night
> 
> Dina: it meant a lot
> 
> Ellie: no prob bob
> 
> Ellie: anytime
> 
> Dina: and i haven’t had a chance to say it
> 
> Dina: but I like the tattoo
> 
> Dina: cat did a good job
> 
> Ellie: she did didn’t she
> 
> Ellie: thanks
> 
> Dina: u guys doing ok
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: it’s good
> 
> Ellie: she’s probably pissed at me today 
> 
> Ellie: fell asleep during the test
> 
> Ellie: it was a whole thing
> 
> Dina: shit
> 
> Dina: was that my fault
> 
> Dina: oh shit ellie
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry
> 
> Dina: [typinig]
> 
> Ellie: it’s cool no worries
> 
> Ellie: i’m a big girl
> 
> Ellie: i made a decision
> 
> Ellie: decisions have consequences
> 
> Ellie: as joel would say
> 
> Ellie: i can live with my choices
> 
> Dina: how did u do on the test at least
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: i finished the written responses
> 
> Ellie: most of the multiple choice
> 
> Ellie: i probably still did fine
> 
> Ellie: it’s not a big deal
> 
> Dina: if u say so
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY_ **. 11:32 am.
> 
> Message From: Tommy
> 
> Tommy: hey u and joel seen this robosoldier movie yet
> 
> Tommy: with the guy and the acid
> 
> Tommy: all the robot parts
> 
> Tommy: yall would love this
> 
> Ellie: we watched it a while back
> 
> Ellie: ur behind the times man
> 
> Ellie: how’s the new job
> 
> Tommy: it’s great
> 
> Tommy: who knew i’d be so good at workin’ security for a hydroelectric dam
> 
> Ellie: that’s great tommy
> 
> Ellie: you guys should bring the kids out soon
> 
> Ellie: joel bought a nintendo
> 
> Ellie: i’m teaching him to play mario kart
> 
> Ellie: he’s fucking terrible
> 
> Ellie: it’s great
> 
> Tommy: LOL
> 
> Tommy: i bet he sux
> 
> Tommy: we’ll for sure come out soon
> 
> **_WEDNESDAY_ **. 2:42 pm.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: we need to talk
> 
> Ellie: what about
> 
> Cat: i’m really upset
> 
> Cat: u have to take this serious
> 
> Cat: we’re juniors
> 
> Cat: if u don’t stay on track
> 
> Cat: what are we gonna do about college
> 
> Cat: what if i have to go and u have to stay
> 
> Ellie: it’s one test cat
> 
> Ellie: it’s fine
> 
> Cat: it’s not one test ellie
> 
> Cat: it’s a lot of tests
> 
> Cat: u do this all the time
> 
> Cat: and all the graffiti
> 
> Cat: the pun drawings
> 
> Cat: if you get caught it could fuck you over
> 
> Cat: u don’t take anything seriously
> 
> Cat: everything is a joke
> 
> Cat: it’s like u don’t even care about ur future
> 
> Ellie: i don’t need a mom cat
> 
> Ellie: and i don’t need a lecture
> 
> Ellie: i can take care of myself
> 
> Ellie: i know what i’m doing
> 
> Ellie: i’m not as stupid as you seem to think i am
> 
> Cat: i never said you were stupid
> 
> Cat: [typing]
> 
> Ellie: you didn’t have to say it
> 
> Cat: that’s not fair
> 
> Cat: i don’t think ur stupid
> 
> Cat: that’s the point
> 
> Cat: i don’t think you’re trying
> 
> Cat: and u could do like
> 
> Cat: so fucking much
> 
> Cat: but u have to try
> 
> Ellie: k
> 
> Cat: don’t do that
> 
> Cat: don’t "k" me
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: wtf ellie
> 
>   
>    
>    
>    
> 


	8. Workin' Up the Courage

**_ELLIE._ **

Joel’s phone is buzzing.

Like, a lot.

And yet he’s just sitting there, ignoring it, pretending that it’s not happening. At first she thinks maybe he can’t hear it buzzing on the table, because--y’know, he’s old or whatever. But after a while there’s just no fucking way he’s not noticing the flashing light, the vibrating, the rattling against the table. 

She looks up from the movie they’re watching--well, she looks up from her own phone and/or the movie, it’s kind of a 50/50 situation at this point--and motions toward his phone on the side table.

“Think you’re getting a text there, buddy,” She says.

He pops a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth, keeps staring at the TV.

“Oh, uh--yeah, it’s okay. Probably a work thing.”

“And...you’re not going to check it…?” She asks, confused.

“It’s fine, this is--y’know, movie time. Joel and Ellie time. Don’t need phones getting in the way of that, right?”

She looks slowly down at her own phone again--has he not noticed that she’s had her phone out the whole time? Is he going blind, too? Is he okay?

“You could just check it really fast,” She says, “I’ll fill you in on anything you miss in the, like, four seconds it takes to see who’s texting you.”

“And miss the good part? They’re just pulling him outta the acid and givin’ him all the robot parts--it’s my favorite part--”

Ellie looks at him suspiciously. He’s for sure hiding something. She closes out of the web search she was performing-- _ how much would a badass robot arm really cost-- _ and turns her full attention on him.

“Who’s texting you, dude?” She asks, arms folded across her chest.

“Ellie--we can talk about it later,” He says evasively, “The movie’s just getting good--”

“You are being  _ so  _ shady and I don’t like it at all--” She hops over the back of the couch, “I’m getting a snack, do you want anything?”

“No, I’m good--hey!” 

She grabs the phone off the side table; he makes a swipe at it, but he’s not quick enough. Too old, probably. God, she hopes she never gets old. It seems like it really sucks.

She clicks the power button. The screen flashes with a message:

_ ESTHER (8 Text messages) _

Her eyes go wide and she hands the phone back to Joel. He glares hard at her, as if daring her to say  _ anything _ at all, to say even one word. A slow, giddy sort of grin pulls at her lips and it only makes him look all the more surly. He tucks the phone securely into the pocket of his shirt.

“Well, c’mon, then,” He says dropping back into his seat on the couch, “Let’s hear your jokes, get ‘em out now--”

“ _ You have a girlfriend,” _ She says with a mixture of disbelief and genuine enthusiasm, “JOEL YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.”

“I ain’t got no  _ girlfriend _ ,” He says, cranky, “We’re just good friends and sometimes we talk and--”

“Have you been on any dates? What’s she like? Does she have any kids?” She hops back over the couch, lands heavy beside him, continues to pepper him with questions, “Is she nice? Is she pretty? Is she funny? She has to be funny, Joel, we can’t handle someone without a sense of humor around here--”

“Uh…” He says, and he seems a little overwhelmed, “Not...been on any dates, no. I don’t...I don’t know the answer to most of these questions--you’re like a damn census survey over here…”

“Why haven’t you been on any dates? Why haven’t you told me about her? I’m gonna be honest, old man, my feelings are kind of hurt…”

“I was just...you know, waitin’ for the right time to bring it up,” He says, “I mean, it’s not even--we’re just...We’re just talkin' , y’know.”

“Oh,” Ellie says, nodding slowly, “Just  _ talkin’.  _ Gotcha.”

“I--why are you sayin’ it like that?”

“Saying it like what?”

“You said  _ talkin’  _ like it meant something other than  _ talkin’--” _

“I said it exactly like you said it, man--”

“No, you said it funny--we really are just  _ talkin’ _ , it’s not serious yet--”

“Okay, I believe you--”

“Really--”

“I hear ya, bud.”

He stares hard at her, as if he doesn’t feel sure that she believes him. It’s honestly a little hilarious that it should bother him so much.

“You should go on a date,” She says, reaches into the bowl of popcorn on the table, chews on a few pieces, “Go live your best life.”

“I don’t...I don’t think she’d wanna go on a date  _ with me, _ ” He says in a low grumble.

“Dude, she texted you eight times in a row--she wants to go on a date with you.”

“Oh, and you’re the datin’ expert now, are ya?”

Ellie shrugs, chews her popcorn.

“It’s been so long since I been on a date…” He says, “Where do I--what do I--do we go to a movie or--”

“No, not a movie,” Ellie says confidently, adds a few pieces of popcorn to her mouth, “You can’t talk during a movie, and apparently  _ talkin’  _ is your thing, so...just go get coffee. Or, like, walk around the park. Or...I don’t know, some old person thing. Like...playing card games or something.”

“You think we should  _ play card games or something?”  _ He asks, dark eyebrow raised in question.

“Like...y’know. Bridge or rummy or one of those old person card games, sure.”

“I’m worried about just  _ how _ old you think I am. You’re gonna try puttin’ me in a nursing home, like, tomorrow, ain’t ya?”

“No way,” She assures him, “I’m waiting for the day you bring home a candy dish and just leave, like, a piece of butterscotch and some cough drops in the bottom. That’s when I’ll know you’re officially too old to roam free.”

He laughs, sits back against the couch.

“So you really think I should take her on a date?” He asks, “Ellie...I haven’t been on a date in...since before…” He pauses, and Ellie knows he doesn’t want to say it, “Well, a real long time, let’s leave it at that.”

“Hey, don’t be nervous,” She says, “You’re a catch, man. And Esther is clearly already head over heels for you. I don’t wanna sound like a dick, but--eight texts in a row? It’s a little desperate. You literally can do no wrong from this point forward.”

He laughs again, a mixture of real amusement and a nervous sort of energy she hasn’t seen in him before. He must really like her, she figures--and that’s not something she expected to see in him, ever.

“Well, you know if it goes well--that means you gotta meet her,” He says, a little more seriously, “You got a say in this. I want you to like her, too.”

“Hey--long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” Ellie says easily, “Unless she, like, has a thing against really, really cool teenagers. Is she gonna be threatened by my coolness, Joel? ‘Cause I’ll understand, but--yeah, that might be a problem--”

“I’d be worried, except you ain’t half as cool as you think you are--”

She gives a theatrical gasp, “ _ Sir _ , I am  _ very  _ cool--” She pings him with a well-aimed piece of popcorn.

He laughs.

“What about  _ you _ , huh? You got a dance comin’ up, don’t you?”

“Uh…” Ellie says, going a little pale, “I guess, yeah.”

“And? You got a date yet?”

“Um…” Ellie sits back on the couch, “It’s, y’know...it’s, like...there’s just...it’s very--”

He laughs and says, “Eh--you’ve still got a few weeks. There’s some boy who’s at home workin' up the courage to ask you right now, I bet.”

She gives an awkward smile, the kind of pained and unnatural sort of thing you might see on someone who has just been given a really bad gift, but desperately doesn’t want to hurt the giver’s feelings.

“I mean--sure,” She says bracingly, “We’ll see what happens.”

“That’s the spirit,” He says, and he grabs the TV remote, “Now--we missed the best part, I’m rewinding it--wait, no, that’s fast forward--ah, shit, now I turned it off--Ellie, make it do the thing--”

He tosses the remote at her.

She should tell him. Maybe right now is the right time. Maybe tonight. All she has to do is open her mouth and say the words, let them fall out. She tries to play the scenario out--tries to imagine herself forming the sounds, saying the thing, letting it leave her.  _ I don’t want any boys to ask me to the dance--I have a girlfriend, Joel.  _

It can’t be that hard, can it, to just say words. But then she thinks about what his reaction might be, and it’s like a blank space in her head, an empty spot in the timeline she’s trying to imagine. She says words, and they reach his ears, and then--what? What happens next? She doesn’t know. Does he yell? Does he get angry? Does he get confused? Or does he just get disappointed?

Worst of all--does he send her back? Back to Marlene? Or the group home? She thinks the chances of that are slim to none--she really doesn’t believe he would do that to her. But some nagging voice in her says that it’s not impossible. That maybe all his goodwill, all the protections of this perfect home--maybe it has limits. 

And right now, tonight--she’s just not ready yet to test those limits. 

She lifts the remote, makes the TV do the thing.

Maybe she’s not ready to divulge her big secret yet, but she has to admit--it’s nice to know that Joel is happy. That maybe he’s going to find something, someone, who will be good for him.

Maybe he’s a cranky old dude, but she thinks maybe he really, really deserves it--

being happy.


	9. Sweet Tooth

> **_FRIDAY._ ** 10:18 am.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: hey
> 
> Cat: I’ve got those notes for French class
> 
> Ellie: awesome can I grab them at lunch
> 
> Cat: sure
> 
> Ellie: ur the best
> 
> Ellie: seriously
> 
> Ellie: like
> 
> Ellie: I should’ve already said this but
> 
> Ellie: I’m really sorry
> 
> Ellie: about the other day you know
> 
> Ellie: ur right
> 
> Ellie: i need to stop fucking around and like
> 
> Ellie: think about my future
> 
> Ellie: i guess
> 
> Cat: it’s ok
> 
> Cat: i was being like
> 
> Cat: a total spazz
> 
> Cat: i’m sorry i was so pushy
> 
> Ellie: don’t be sorry
> 
> Ellie: sometimes I need pushed
> 
> Ellie: ...like off a cliff, maybe
> 
> Ellie: i’m lucky ur around to keep me like
> 
> Ellie: in line
> 
> Cat: i don’t want to push you off any cliffs
> 
> Cat: that’s kind of the opposite of what I want actually
> 
> Cat: i don’t wanna pressure you
> 
> Cat: or make u feel like
> 
> Cat: idk
> 
> Cat: like you’re not enough
> 
> Cat: bc u are
> 
> Cat: and it’s ok that we’re different
> 
> Cat: isn’t it?
> 
> Ellie: of course
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: absolutely
> 
> Cat: are we ok?
> 
> Ellie: yeah, i think so. do u think we’re ok?
> 
> Cat: yeah, i think so, too
> 
> Cat: I’ll bring those notes to lunch w/ me
> 
> Ellie: cool
> 
> **_FRIDAY._ ** 10:56 am.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: did u get some sleep
> 
> Ellie: some
> 
> Ellie: you?
> 
> Dina: not enough
> 
> Dina: we gotta stop doing that
> 
> Dina: i’m running on fumes
> 
> Ellie: doing what
> 
> Ellie: staying on the phone til 3 am?
> 
> Ellie: yeah it’s probably a terrible idea
> 
> Ellie: and we should not do it
> 
> Dina: so we’re not talking on the phone tonight?
> 
> Ellie: i guess not
> 
> Dina: ok but what if
> 
> Dina: we just talk for like
> 
> Dina: a few minutes
> 
> Ellie: that’s what you’ve said every night
> 
> Ellie: for the last six nights
> 
> Ellie: i don’t think we know the meaning of ‘a few minutes’
> 
> Dina: ok well stop being so funny
> 
> Dina: and we won’t have this problem
> 
> Ellie: sure let me just flip off my funny switch
> 
> Ellie: oh wait
> 
> Ellie: i don’t have one of those
> 
> Ellie: guess i’ll just have to be hilarious all the time
> 
> Ellie: what a curse
> 
> Dina: ok fine 
> 
> Dina: we finished Soldier Saturn 
> 
> Dina: so what show are we watching tonight 
> 
> Ellie: i’m thinking the one with the vampires
> 
> Ellie: who are in culinary school
> 
> Ellie: Sweet Tooth High School
> 
> Dina: that sounds...real dumb
> 
> Ellie: it’s very dumb
> 
> Ellie: which means it’s perfect
> 
> Ellie: bc my commentary will be extra hilarious
> 
> Dina: alright, I’m in
> 
> Dina: but only one episode
> 
> Ellie: just one
> 
> Ellie: for sure
> 
> Ellie: exactly one
> 
> Dina: i mean it
> 
> Ellie: me too
> 
> \--
> 
> **_FRIDAY._ ** 12:48 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: me and esther going out
> 
> Joel: getting coffee
> 
> Joel: that’s what you said right
> 
> Joel: we should get coffee?
> 
> Ellie: hell yeah!
> 
> Ellie: way to go joel
> 
> Ellie: ur killing it
> 
> Ellie: yes get coffee
> 
> Ellie: then maybe ice cream
> 
> Ellie: or i don’t know whatever she’s into
> 
> Ellie: oh no
> 
> Ellie: what if she doesn’t like ice cream
> 
> Ellie: can we handle that kind of negativity in our lives
> 
> Joel: she says she likes ice cream
> 
> Joel: crisis averted
> 
> Ellie: whew
> 
> Ellie: that was close
> 
> Ellie: alright u kids have fun
> 
> Ellie: back by eleven
> 
> Ellie: do i need to have a talk with her
> 
> Ellie: like a stern lecture
> 
> Joel: u know i think we’ll skip the stern lecture
> 
> Joel: but ice cream is a good idea
> 
> Joel: thanks
> 
> Joel: i’ll leave money for pizza on the table
> 
> Ellie: ok but can cat come over
> 
> Ellie: studying for French test
> 
> Joel: yeah sure 
> 
> Joel: just get to bed at a normal hour
> 
> Joel: u been on that phone all night for a week
> 
> Joel: don’t know how anyone has that much to say
> 
> Joel: about anything
> 
> Joel: in all of history
> 
> Ellie: what can i say
> 
> Ellie: i have a lot of thoughts
> 
> Ellie: about world events
> 
> Ellie: and philosophy 
> 
> Ellie: and like
> 
> Ellie: smart stuff
> 
> Joel: u been watching those japanese cartoons with dina
> 
> Joel: i’m old but I aint dumb
> 
> Ellie: it’s called Soldier Saturn and it’s not a cartoon
> 
> Ellie: it’s called anime
> 
> Joel: ok but if I gotta hear you two chat about it for one more night i aniMAY lose my damn mind
> 
> Joel: get it
> 
> Joel: ani may
> 
> Joel: did my text go through
> 
> Ellie: oh it went through
> 
> \--
> 
> **_FRIDAY._ ** 1:56 pm.
> 
> Message To: Cat
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: Joel is going out w/ a lady friend
> 
> Ellie: wanna come over
> 
> Ellie: there’ll be pizza
> 
> Ellie: we can like
> 
> Ellie: study
> 
> Ellie: or not study
> 
> Ellie: or just study
> 
> Ellie: you know whatever
> 
> Ellie: maybe
> 
> Cat: study
> 
> Cat: or not study
> 
> Cat: are those the only two options
> 
> Cat: was kinda hoping for more options
> 
> Ellie: i mean there are more options
> 
> Ellie: we could find more options
> 
> Ellie: like just
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Ellie: maybe like
> 
> Ellie: ...video games
> 
> Ellie: or idk
> 
> Ellie: ...make friendship bracelets
> 
> Ellie: ...start a bible study group
> 
> Cat: oh yeah bible study group
> 
> Cat: let’s do that
> 
> Ellie: please no
> 
> \--
> 
> **_FRIDAY._ ** 8:22 pm.
> 
> Missed Call From: Dina (3)
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: we still watching Sweet Tooth tonight?
> 
> Dina: just let me know when you get a chance
> 
> \--
> 
> **_FRIDAY._ ** 11:58 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: so
> 
> Joel: do u wanna maybe
> 
> Joel: come out of ur room so we can talk
> 
> Ellie: no thanks
> 
> Ellie: i’m just gonna live in here now
> 
> Ellie: forever
> 
> Joel: how u gonna eat
> 
> Ellie: doordash
> 
> Ellie: ubereats
> 
> Ellie: postmates
> 
> Joel: u gonna postmate food from the kitchen
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Ellie: that works
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: we gotta talk about this
> 
> Ellie: no we don’t
> 
> Ellie: we can pretend it never happened
> 
> Ellie: i’m already forgetting
> 
> Ellie: what are we even talking about
> 
> Joel: we’re talking about
> 
> Joel: you know
> 
> Joel: you and Cat
> 
> Joel: on the couch
> 
> Joel: when I came home
> 
> Ellie: please stop
> 
> Ellie: i cannot
> 
> Ellie: deal
> 
> Ellie: with
> 
> Ellie: this
> 
> Ellie: joel I mean it
> 
> Ellie: i don’t
> 
> Ellie: i think i can’t breathe
> 
> Ellie: I don’t think i can do this
> 
> Ellie: i don’t think I can talk about this with you
> 
> Ellie: not tonight
> 
> Joel: ok
> 
> Joel: alright
> 
> Joel: we can talk about it tomorrow
> 
> Joel: but we gotta talk about it
> 
> Ellie: please joel
> 
> Ellie: i can’t
> 
> Joel: why not ellie
> 
> Ellie: joel do you hate me
> 
> Ellie: does this change everything
> 
> Ellie: r u gonna send me back to Marlene
> 
> Ellie: or the group home
> 
> Ellie: or
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: i feel really sick joel
> 
> Joel: r u crazy
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: baby girl
> 
> Joel: this don’t change shit
> 
> Joel: ur not going anywhere
> 
> Joel: not as long as i have a say in it
> 
> Joel: u don’t have to talk about it
> 
> Joel: u don’t have to explain urself to me
> 
> Joel: i just wanna be involved
> 
> Joel: you know, in your life
> 
> Joel: that’s all
> 
> Joel: did i make u feel scared about this?
> 
> Joel: i’m so sorry
> 
> Joel: i really am
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: ur the
> 
> Joel: best
> 
> Joel: thing
> 
> Joel: that ever happened to me
> 
> Joel: ain’t nothing gonna change that
> 
> Joel: ever
> 
> Ellie: hold on

\--

Ellie lays down the phone, scrubs the tears away with a sleeve of her sweater; goes to the bedroom door, lays a shaking hand on the doorknob. When she opens the door up, Joel is sitting out in the hall. He stands up, surprised; his lined face is full of worry, a deep kind of fear that she hasn’t seen on him before. There’s guilt there, too, and a kind of desperation that cuts her to the quick.

They look at each for a long moment and the swelling chaos in her bursts like a bubble, like a dam breaking, because he’s not gonna send her away, because he thinks she’s a good thing, a good thing that happened to him and not just a burden, not just a pain in the ass kid he got stuck with, and she doesn’t know how to handle that, doesn’t know how to process that kind of acceptance--

She throws herself against his chest and he folds her up in his arms, lets her cry against his shirt that smells like sandalwood cologne and their laundry detergent.

And nothing else has to be said.

This is enough.

  
  



	10. Translating

**_DINA._ **

She’s lying awake in the dark, trying to be still, trying to make her brain switch off. But one of her fingers won’t stop tapping out a frantic rhythm against her leg, and she can’t stop thinking about the phone. Can’t stop thinking about the deep, cavernous amount of _nothing_ she’s heard from Ellie tonight.

She checks her phone again. For the four or five hundredth time, it feels like. But there’s nothing.

Which is fine. Ellie doesn’t have to talk to her. It’s normal, for friends to not talk sometimes. Ellie doesn’t owe her anything. Ellie doesn’t have to say anything. She probably got busy. That’s fine. Dina isn’t the center of her life. And that’s really fine. It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s very fine. Really.

She’s probably hanging out with Cat. Which makes sense, seeing as how they’re dating. And Cat should take priority. Cat is her girlfriend. Not Dina. Ellie and Dina aren’t dating and that’s fine. In fact, Dina is dating Jesse. So why is it Ellie, and not Jesse, who is inspiring an anxious frenzy in her at this moment?

Why is it Ellie she’s lying awake thinking about?

She stops, checks her phone again. Still nothing.

Well, they’d had plans. And she’d bailed on them. So that was--y’know, Dina had a right to be upset about that, if you really thought about it. It was rude. And unfair. Bailing on plans like that. So Dina had a right to be mad, even. Was she mad at Ellie? Maybe a little. 

But it wasn’t about the bailed plans, really. If she was mad at Ellie, it was because she couldn’t stop thinking about her and Cat together. Thinking about Ellie making Cat laugh. Singing her some song on the guitar. Drawing her a funny picture. Couldn’t stop thinking about Ellie being so damn _Ellie_ for Cat. 

One more phone check, just in case.

She can’t stop thinking about the way her eyes look, when the sun comes in at just the right angle--pale and intense and like she can see straight Dina, through all the bullshit and problems, the doubt and uncertainty and fear. And it’s upsetting, thinking about her looking at anyone else that way.

So stupid. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She’d had her chance, and she’d fucking blown it. Blown it because she was scared. Blown it because she was uncertain and overwhelmed. That night in the truck had been so perfect--Ellie had been so perfect. It was a side of Ellie she hadn’t known before. An Ellie who could be soft and gentle and easy, slow and serious and vulnerable in a way that was still strong and unshakeable. An Ellie who felt things deeply. An Ellie who maybe felt deep things for her. All she had to do was meet her halfway--return that depth of feeling.

And it’s not like it wasn’t there. It was. It was there in spades. That feeling--like being away from her physically _hurt_ \--it was already there, when she was sitting next to her in that truck. 

And, honestly, that was terrifying. To have it happen so suddenly, so intensely, so overwhelmingly. She and Jesse had been together on and off for years now--and the offs had never been a big deal for her. She cared about him, maybe even loved him, but she knew, deep down--it wasn’t the same thing she felt when she looked at Ellie.

Did her phone just vibrate--? Wait. No. Just a blank screen. Again.

It’s a terrifying thing, the idea of _needing_ someone like this. After her father died, just dropped of a heart attack one day when she was ten--after that, her family had drifted, like balloons only loosely tethered together. And so Dina had gotten really good at making friends, at slipping between social groups, at being whatever she needed or wanted to be in the moment. 

But her relationships were like a collection of shallow little tide pools scattered across the beach. She could peruse them each in turn without having to commit or dive fully into any of them. So friendships came and went and that was fine because she didn’t _need_ any one person. 

But now--things were different. Ellie understood her in a way that was downright addictive. And that’s the truth of it, isn’t it--that it’s incredibly addictive, to find yourself being really, truly understood. To find that you’re no longer trying to translate the things in your head--that you can just _say_ them, and this person, this stupid, magical, wonderful person just _gets_ it. 

Sometimes it feels like Ellie understands what she’s trying to say even when _she_ doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say.

And after a connection like that, there’s no going back, is there? It ruins you on everything and everyone else. Once you’ve laid yourself out, unfiltered, and been understood--it’s too exhausting, trying to go back to translating yourself for anyone else. Toning yourself down. Fitting yourself back into a suit that doesn’t quite fit for the sake of someone else. For the sake of seeming palettable and easily consumed.

She does that even for Jesse. Makes herself smaller, in some senses. Chooses to withhold parts of herself to keep him comfortable. Not that it’s his fault. He’s never asked her to do that. It’s just the way things are, and until now, she’s accepted it.

But now...now she’s lying awake thinking about Shakespud and Sailor Soldier and the way Ellie’s voice gets heavy on the other end of the line when she gets tired. The way it gets soft and low and vulnerable. The way she can’t pass up the chance to hear like that, even if it means only getting an hour of sleep before school--it’s just too good to pass up. 

Well, except for tonight. Tonight there was no sleepy, drowsy Ellie on the phone. There weren’t even any text messages. Just a lot of nothing. And she’d thought, for a minute, that it meant something--that Ellie chose to stay on the phone with her every night. 

But maybe it didn’t mean anything. Maybe Ellie just really liked anime, and talking, and maybe they were just friends. Maybe Dina really had fucked up and hurt her in a way that killed whatever feelings Ellie might have had for her--maybe _friends_ was as much as Dina could hope for now.

(She can’t help it, can’t stop herself--she checks the phone again. Still blank.)

And that was fine. It really was. It wasn’t like Dina wanted to come between Ellie and Cat anyway. 

Okay.

Well.

Maybe a little.

Maybe, in her darkest moments--yeah, maybe she wanted to come between them. But she understood how wrong it was to follow through on that feeling and she fought it with everything she had. She really did.

Besides, there was still the tiny matter regarding the fact that--well, what did it mean, that she had these feelings for another girl? That she desperately wanted to be close to Ellie? What did that say about Dina, as a person? Did it change who she was? Did it mean she would have to start using some kind of labels? What label would she even use? She didn’t think _gay_ quite fit--but even thinking the word seemed...strange and foreign and a little scary. What would her family think? Her friends? They would have questions, if she told them--questions she wasn’t sure she could answer with any amount of certainty. Did she even _have_ to tell anyone? Was it really anyone else’s business? 

No, she decided. And right now, at two in the morning, she didn’t feel like she was in a rush to decide on any _labels._ She just liked Ellie, and for now, that was all she needed to know. All that seemed important. Labels would come in time, but right now--she didn’t need a word for it. 

The only word that seemed to matter at all was _Ellie._

Her phone vibrates unexpectedly, for real this time, and she almost jumps out of her skin.

> **_SATURDAY._ **2:48 am.
> 
> Message From: Shakespud
> 
> Ellie: hey 
> 
> Ellie: [typing]

Shit. Should she say anything? Should she try to pretend she hasn’t been lying awake all this time waiting for exactly this text message? How pathetic is that? God--just pitiful. She should go to sleep, making Ellie wait a few hours, the way Ellie made her wait--fair is fair, right? Surely she’s justified in trying to maintain some sense of dignity here.

  
  


> Ellie:please don’t look at this until you’re awake in the morning
> 
> Ellie: seriously i don’t want to wake you up
> 
> Ellie: but i’m sorry
> 
> Ellie: like for missing tonight
> 
> Ellie: some stuff happened and
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: it got to be a weird night
> 
> Ellie: [typing]

Dina is typing before she can even stop herself--dignity be damned.

> Dina: r u ok
> 
> Dina: what happened
> 
> Ellie: u should be asleep
> 
> Dina: so should u
> 
> Dina: r u ok
> 
> Ellie: i’m ok
> 
> Ellie: joel went on a date tonight
> 
> Dina: omg
> 
> Dina: wow
> 
> Dina: good for him
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: and I thought he would be gone for a while
> 
> Ellie: i forgot you know
> 
> Ellie: how old people don’t do that
> 
> Ellie: don’t stay out late
> 
> Ellie: get tired at like seven o’clock
> 
> Ellie: i swear he tried to eat dinner at 4 in the afternoon once Dina
> 
> Ellie: like...wtf old people get it together

Dina laughs, almost forgets that it’s nearly three in the morning and that Ellie has kept her waiting all night. It’s easy to forget those things when she’s talking to Ellie.

> Ellie: anyway
> 
> Ellie: Cat was over

Dina’s stomach sinks like a stone, begins to tangle into sickeningly tight knots.

> Ellie: we were like
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: we were studying
> 
> Ellie: big french test coming up you know
> 
> Ellie: but i mean
> 
> Ellie: we were home alone
> 
> Ellie: so
> 
> Ellie: we were studying
> 
> Ellie: and then we weren’t studying at all

Oh. _OH._

Oh, no. 

OH, _no._

So probably when Dina had tried to call earlier--when she had texted Ellie earlier in the night--at that exact moment...Ellie and Cat were probably-- _not studying._

The knots in her stomach get tighter and she thinks maybe she’s going to throw up; it’s an overwhelming mixture of embarrassment and jealousy and a deep kind of anxiety for which she doesn’t really have a name, other than _sick._

> Dina: oh
> 
> Dina: ok

She shouldn’t ask. She really shouldn’t. She doesn’t need to know. It’s only going to make it hurt worse. Stop, Dina. Don’t do it. Don’t--

But her fingers are already typing, as if they have a mind of their own.

> Dina: you guys were
> 
> Dina: like a little bit not studying
> 
> Dina: or like
> 
> Dina: totally, completely, really not studying
> 
> Ellie: well
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: joel came home and
> 
> Ellie: there might have been like
> 
> Ellie: not enough you know
> 
> Ellie: clothing

Dina lays the phone down.

Nope.

She can’t do this.

She can’t.

She just can’t.

No.

Nope nope nope.

But wait.

That means Joel knows.

Joel knows that Ellie and Cat are together, and Dina knows that Ellie has never told him that she even likes girls at all.

This must be huge for Ellie. This must have been a hugely impactful night for her. What if Joel didn’t react well? What if he yelled at her? Dina feels a swell of rage just thinking about it, and she picks her phone back up.

> Dina: what did Joel say
> 
> Dina: did he yell at you
> 
> Dina: do i need to punch him
> 
> Dina: i will
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: no he didn’t yell
> 
> Ellie: he wasn’t even mad
> 
> Ellie: i mean he asked cat to go home
> 
> Ellie: and i kind of lost it maybe
> 
> Ellie: i was so scared dina
> 
> Ellie: i thought i was going to puke
> 
> Ellie: but he was just
> 
> Ellie: chill
> 
> Ellie: said i was the best thing that ever happened to him
> 
> Ellie: can you believe that
> 
> Ellie: what a mushy old guy

Dina laughs, even though she feels like she also might cry at any second. Ellie’s relief and joy is palpable, even just through a few words on a phone screen. And there’s something good in knowing that she was treated well, that she was given everything she deserves. Dina feels a strange sense of gratitude to Joel for it.

> Dina: good
> 
> Dina: i didn’t want to have to fight Joel
> 
> Dina: he’s a big dude
> 
> Dina: but i would have
> 
> Dina: if i had to
> 
> Ellie: i know
> 
> Ellie: i don’t doubt it
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Dina: yeah?
> 
> Ellie: i know it’s late but
> 
> Ellie: do you think i could call you
> 
> Ellie: i’m still a little freaked out and
> 
> Ellie: this is going to sound weird but
> 
> Ellie: i’m just going to say it 
> 
> Ellie: i just
> 
> Ellie: need to hear your voice
> 
> Ellie: god ellie
> 
> Ellie: pitiful right?

A smile pulls at Dina’s lips. This has felt like the longest night of her life and she should say _no._ She really should. For her sake, for Ellie’s--for Cat and Jesse, too. 

But she can’t do that.

She just can’t.

> Dina: not pitiful
> 
> Dina: just call me, dummy

  
  



	11. Heavy Things

> **_ELLIE'S PHONE._ **
> 
> **_SATURDAY._ **1:14 pm.
> 
> Message to: Cat
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: so 
> 
> Ellie: I know we already talked about it
> 
> Ellie: but i’m still sorry about last night
> 
> Ellie: that was fucking awkward
> 
> Cat: it’s ok
> 
> Cat: well it was fucking akward yeah
> 
> Cat: but i’m just glad joel didn’t freak out
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: he was actually super cool about it?
> 
> Ellie: he was all ‘maybe it’s time you had ur own space anyway’
> 
> Ellie: i guess he’d already been fixing up the garage for me
> 
> Ellie: you know the detached one in the back
> 
> Ellie: it’s kind of...awesome?
> 
> Ellie: like a little apartment
> 
> Ellie: it sucks you're going outta town
> 
> Ellie: i could use help moving in
> 
> Cat: jesse could help
> 
> Cat: maybe ben too
> 
> Ellie: and dina
> 
> Cat: sure
> 
> Cat: and dina
> 
> Cat: i guess
> 
> Ellie: is that not ok
> 
> Cat: idk
> 
> Cat: it's fine
> 
> Cat: she's just
> 
> Cat: you know
> 
> Cat: dina
> 
> Ellie: what do you mean
> 
> Cat: I've just noticed how she is w/ you
> 
> Cat: like
> 
> Cat: touches ur arm when u tell a funny joke
> 
> Ellie: she doesn't mean anything by it
> 
> Ellie: it's just dina being dina
> 
> Ellie: i really, really know she doesn't mean anything by it.
> 
> Cat: what
> 
> Cat: how
> 
> Ellie: well
> 
> Ellie: idk if this is the best time for this conversation
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: what haven't you told me
> 
> Ellie: it's not like I was hiding it
> 
> Ellie: it just never came up
> 
> Ellie: there isn't even anything to tell
> 
> Ellie: just
> 
> Ellie: i shot my shot w/ her once
> 
> Ellie: and she turned me down
> 
> Cat: wtf
> 
> Cat: like bc she's straight right
> 
> Ellie: idk we didn't really talk about it
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: at the time it really felt like she was into me
> 
> Ellie: but
> 
> Ellie: i was wrong
> 
> Cat: so u liked Dina
> 
> Cat: and what do you mean--
> 
> Cat: --shot your shot?
> 
> Cat: did something happen between u guys?
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: nothing happened
> 
> Ellie: not really
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Ellie: we just went driving one night
> 
> Ellie: before u and me ever dated 
> 
> Ellie: and nothing happened
> 
> Cat: if nothing happened
> 
> Cat: then why have u avoided telling me about it
> 
> Ellie: i haven't avoided it
> 
> Ellie: seriously nothing happened
> 
> Ellie: we just talked
> 
> Ellie: and I thought she was saying she liked me
> 
> Ellie: and I guess I liked her
> 
> Ellie: but the next day she basically ghosted me
> 
> Ellie: so i was mistaken
> 
> Ellie: just being stupid
> 
> Ellie: thinking she liked me
> 
> Ellie: like that, you know
> 
> Ellie: i just
> 
> Ellie: misread our friendship, I guess
> 
> Cat: u fell for a straight girl
> 
> Cat: it happens to the best of us
> 
> Ellie: yeah i guess
> 
> Cat: do u still like
> 
> Cat: have feelings for her
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: of course not
> 
> Ellie: we're just friends
> 
> Cat: ok
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: if u do have feelings for her
> 
> Cat: like now is the time to tell me
> 
> Cat: i won't hold it against u but
> 
> Cat: i mean
> 
> Cat: I'm like
> 
> Cat: I'm really falling for you
> 
> Cat: i think I'm like
> 
> Cat: in love with you ellie
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: really?
> 
> Cat: yeah
> 
> Cat: really
> 
> Ellie: I'm like
> 
> Ellie: in love with you too
> 
> Ellie: so that works out nicely
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: u don't have to say it just to protect my feelings
> 
> Cat: i just need you to know that I guess...
> 
> Cat: this means a lot to me.
> 
> Cat: and if you want out
> 
> Cat: now is the time to do it you know?
> 
> Ellie: I'm not just saying it
> 
> Ellie: i don't want out
> 
> Ellie: i don't have feelings for Dina
> 
> Ellie: she doesn't have feelings for me
> 
> Ellie: we're just friends
> 
> Ellie: swear 
> 
> Cat: ok
> 
> Cat: well
> 
> Cat: idk
> 
> Cat: ok
> 
> Ellie: it's okay cat i swear
> 
> Ellie: listen we'll talk about this more when you get back, i promise 
> 
> Ellie: whatever it takes to make this better
> 
> Cat: ok
> 
> Cat: that sounds good
> 
> Cat: i wish I didn't have to go on this stupid trip at all
> 
> Cat: I'd rather be with you anyway
> 
> Ellie: i know
> 
> Ellie: but you're gonna have so much fun with ur art club buds
> 
> Ellie: painting that mural
> 
> Ellie: way more fun than just bumming around with me
> 
> Cat: i don't think so
> 
> Cat: i like bumming around with you
> 
> Cat: it's kinda my favorite thing
> 
> Ellie: we'll bum around as much as u want
> 
> Ellie: soon as you get back
> 
> Ellie: and we can do it in my own little place out here
> 
> Ellie: cool, right?
> 
> Cat: very cool
> 
> Cat: i can't wait

\--

_**DINA.** _

Moving Ellie in is easy.

Boxes piled in the little space, stacked and leaning and open and full; bed pushed against one wall, couch against another; dishes stacked on the counter of the little kitchenette, desk in the corner piled high with all the most _Ellie_ of things: watercolor sets and hand-bound journals, sketchbooks and colored pencils and books about the phases of the moon. 

Everything is inside, nothing quite in its proper home. Not yet. Dina will help her do that. Will gladly pull all of these Ellie things from their boxes and put them where they belong--but right now, she just wants to look at Ellie for a minute.

Ellie, with her hair pulled back into a low knot, sleeves of her denim overshirt rolled to the elbows; Ellie, with a smear of gray paint on her cheek from the work they did in the bathroom earlier, with her fingers wrapped around the neck of an amber bottled smuggled in after Joel finally broke away to go to bed for the night. 

She’s tipping a beer back, lounging on the couch next to Dina, and she looks happy, relaxed, with that one dark lock of hair falling over her face. Dina hasn’t met an Ellie she doesn’t like yet, but _happy_ Ellie-- _tipsy_ Ellie--that’s one of her favorites.

And it’s very, very easy to look at her. And keep looking at her.

Too easy.

Maybe Dina’s always been aware of this, of the possibility that her attractions were flexible in nature--maybe there had been a girl or two before who had held her attention for a moment. But this is...different. This isn’t a passing interest, fleeting and evanescent. It’s not a simple physical attraction, either--although, _god,_ yes, there is a physical attraction. It’s just more than that, in a way Dina isn’t fully able to articulate yet.

She tries to look at the feeling as she watches Ellie, tries to dissect it and figure it out. She’s wanted to kiss girls before, that’s not the issue. She just wants so much more than that from Ellie. Wants to kiss Ellie, wants Ellie to put her hands on her, wants Ellie to take her clothes off, wants--

Oh. Hm. The alcohol is making it incredibly hard to focus, making it hard to keep her brain from descending into...this. This traitorous, unfair, _dangerous_ territory.

But beyond that, if she keeps looking at this feeling, she finds that it’s not so straightforwardly scandalous. Because it’s not just that she wants Ellie, her lips, her hands, that curve right there where her neck meets her shoulder--no, she wants words from Ellie, too. She wants to know Ellie. She wants Ellie to talk to her. To lie beside her in the sacred quiet that would come after--she wants to know the one Ellie she hasn’t met yet. Soft, vulnerable, satisfied and safe. She wants to know an Ellie who trusts her, who will let her take care of her--

Huh. Maybe that’s the crux of it. 

She wants to take care of Ellie.

She wants _this._ Ellie on the couch beside her after a long day of working together. An Ellie who comes home to her.

Jesus Christ. 

She’s never wanted that before. She’s got too much left to see, too much left to do, too much left to fuck up and fix and fuck up again to even _think_ about this domestic shit. And if she should want it from anyone--shouldn’t it be _Jesse?_

Fuck. What a fucking mess.

“What?” Ellie says suddenly, a smile pulling at her lips, and Dina realizes she’s been staring for too long, “Something on my face?”

Ellie reaches up, rubs the spot on her cheek with the paint--but it’s already dry and doesn’t budge. 

“No,” Dina says quickly, “No, your face is just fine.”

“Well, you’re staring at me like I have two heads,” Ellie informs her.

“Still just the one, I’m pretty sure,” Dina says, trying to play the moment off; she takes a drink from her own beer, reaches into her back pocket.

She puts the beer down on the coffee table, produces a switchblade.

“I found this, by the way,” She says, “What the hell do you need a _switchblade_ for? Aren’t they some kind of illegal or something?”

Dina pops it open; the blade springs out hard, harder than she expected--it surprises her a little, and she almost drops it.

“Careful,” Ellie says with some amount of alarm; she extends a hand to take it.

Dina passes it over, and she’s a little surprised to see how easily Ellie handles it. She closes the blade in a swift motion, turns the handle over in her hands, looking down at it thoughtfully. There’s something there, in her face, something Dina hasn’t seen before.

“It was my mom’s,” Ellie says slowly, “According to Marlene, anyway.”

“Oh," Dina says quietly; Ellie's never spoken about her mom, never really talked about her time before Jackson, "Who’s Marlene?” 

“She and my mom were friends. They served in the army together. When my mom was killed in action, Marlene took care of me. For a while.”

“Oh. I didn’t know...like, any of that,” Dina says; she watches Ellie, the distant expression in her face, detached and yet intensely present at the same time. 

“Yeah. Marlene gave me the knife and a letter from my mom, just before Marlene had to be deployed again. I…” Ellie hesitates, glances up from the knife, into Dina’s face, as if she’s deciding whether or not she really wants to go into this part of the story; Dina doesn’t know what she needs to see, doesn’t know what to give her--she only knows she desperately wants to hear whatever Ellie wants to say, “I spent some time in a couple of group homes after that. The knife...really came in handy, a couple of times. Kids are...pretty brutal.”

“Did you...have to _use_ it?” 

“On the kids? No,” Ellie says, shakes her head, “Kids usually ran as soon as they saw it. But...well--”

Ellie stops talking altogether, wraps her fingers tight around the handle of the knife. Her expression is more distant than ever, and there’s something dark there; her jaw is clenched tight. 

“I did use it once,” She says.

Dina waits, quietly listening, watching some kind of pain she doesn’t understand as it unfolds across Ellie’s face. _This_ is an Ellie she doesn’t know--someone living on a precipice, teetering on the edge of something incredibly dark.

“After a while, I guess Marlene started to feel bad, leaving me in the group home like that, so--she said she knew someone who owed her a favor. Which is great, you know, as a kid--being told you’re gonna go live with someone _as a favor._ And I don’t think Joel loved it at first, either. It took a while, y'know, for things to be okay. I was...kind of a little shit, and he was...an old guy with his own set of issues. I thought for sure I would just wake up one morning and find him packing all my shit to send me back out the door. Then he got hurt, on the job. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. I had to…” She takes a breath, lets it out in a huff--this is the hard part, Dina assumes, the part she doesn’t really want to say, “...I had to go to this group home in Texas, and it was a lot different than the ones back in Boston. There was this guy there. David. He was...a fucking creep.”

A tight knot of anxiety is wrapping itself into a frenzy inside Dina; just the thought of someone trying to hurt Ellie is enough to make her feel an unfamiliar level of fury and fear and unrest. She doesn’t know what the rest of this story is going to be, but she needs to know. Refuses to look away. Because it’s fine, knowing happy Ellie, tipsy Ellie, paint-smeared-on-her-cheek Ellie--but she wants this Ellie, too. She wants these parts, these vulnerable, aching, wounded parts as much as any other. Wants to see and know and help. God, she wants to help so much.

“What...did he do?” Dina asks carefully.

Ellie looks up at her, still holding the knife tightly between her hands. 

“He…” Ellie looks away, down at the polished handle in her hands, “He didn’t do anything, actually. He _tried._ By the end, I’m not sure what he even really wanted from me. But he...well, he tried to corner me, you know? And I just...I fuckin’ stabbed him.”

She shrugs, laying it out there at Dina's feet.

Dina doesn’t know what to say. She’s never known anyone who’s been stabbed, let alone anyone who has stabbed someone else. It’s a level of visceral living that Dina isn’t accustomed to, that isn’t a part of her world, and so she isn’t fully sure how to take it.

Although there was that time, when she was ten, back in New Mexico. After her dad died, when that guy tried to carjack her and her mom. Dina hadn't even thought about it, had just dived straight for the glovebox and pulled out the gun, pointed it straight through the open window. 

The guy ran for it and nothing more ever came from it. Her mom tried to pretend it hadn't happened but Dina had thought about it for a long time. How she'd pulled a gun on someone. How fucked up that was.

So maybe she can relate to this, to Ellie, more than she ever thought.

“And that was the day Joel came back for me, actually. Just fucking showed up, still in a sling, his head bandaged up--there he was, busting in through the door. And there I was, covered in some fucking creep’s blood and crying like a lunatic. That place was a fucking madhouse that day.”

“So...what happened? Did he...did he die?”

“What? No,” Ellie says quickly, “No, he was fine. He wanted to press charges against me--can you fucking believe that? Joel lost his goddamn mind. I think if he’d been able to get to him, to David...David might not have been so _fine._ ”

 _Good,_ Dina thinks. It’s a relief to know that someone was outraged on Ellie’s behalf, that someone was there to protect her and advocate for her. Dina feels a strange sense of gratitude to Joel. Thank fucking god for Joel. 

“Joel pushed and pushed, called some friends he had in the police department--they ended up investigating, found a whole bunch of shit about David. He’s in jail now. But it’s actually the whole reason we came out here, to Jackson. For a fresh start, near Tommy and Maria and the kids.”

Dina listens, doesn’t say anything right away, and Ellie fidgets, lays the knife down on the coffee table, sits back against the couch. 

“So, yeah, that’s the whole story, y’know. The story of how I’m...kind of fucked up and maybe you should, like...not be friends with me,” She gives a forced laugh, empty and anxious.

“What?” Dina says, “That’s...no. Why would I not be friends with you? Because you’re…” Dina searches for the words, but the alcohol is making it hard to find them, “...you’re smart and capable and you took care of yourself? Why would that change anything at all?”

“I mean...I stabbed a guy,” Ellie reiterates, as if maybe Dina doesn’t understand, “You know anyone else who’s _stabbed a guy?”_

“No,” Dina concedes, “But I’ve known a lot of creeps who deserved it. And I’m much happier that he got stabbed, than the alternative. Much better that he got stabbed than...than you getting hurt.”

Ellie gives a small shrug, looking away from Dina, unable or unwilling to provide firm agreement or disagreement. 

“You did what you had to do,” Dina says, “Fuck that guy. You don’t need to keep carrying any guilt over that, you know?”

Ellie looks up, meets Dina’s gaze, and there’s something like relief there.

“I mean it,” Dina says, and she doesn’t think about, just reaches across the couch and lays her hand over Ellie’s, “You have nothing to feel bad about, Ellie. If I’d have been there, I would’ve stabbed him, too. Fuck him.”

“You would have stabbed a guy for me?” Ellie says, at least half-teasing; there’s a soft, lopsided grin at her lips.

“In a heartbeat,” Dina affirms for her, and she’s surprised to find that she means it-- _really_ means it, “I sure as hell wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. Ever.”

She isn’t sure how it’s happened, but Ellie is very close, and Dina’s hand is still folded over hers, and she doesn’t want to bring it back, doesn’t want to let Ellie’s hand go. And Ellie, for whatever reason, hasn’t pulled away.

“I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, either,” Ellie says, suddenly very serious, her eyes searching Dina’s; then, a little softer, “I’m kind of getting mad just thinking about it--thinking about somebody trying to hurt you. Is that normal?”

“I don’t know,” Dina says quietly, because Ellie is close enough now that she doesn’t need to use anything louder than a whisper, “ _Normal’s_ fucking overrated, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, barely loud enough to hear, “But I mean it, I’m like--really mad, like, I really want to fuck up this hypothetical person who has tried to hurt you--”

And it’s funny and it’s sweet and it’s interrupted because Dina can’t stop herself, not for a second longer. 

She leans forward, finds Ellie’s lips with hers, and she tastes warm and bitter, like the beer they’ve been drinking. And Dina knows instantly that she has fucked up, has done something she shouldn’t, has crossed a line--but Ellie doesn’t pull away. There isn’t even a moment of surprise--it’s as if Ellie knew, had been expecting it, had been waiting. 

Or maybe they’re both a little drunk, have had a little too much, have been lulled into this warm, comfortable, inviting place through this moment of vulnerability and bonding.

Whatever the reason, Ellie kisses her back. 

And for a single moment, or maybe several moments--time passes in a strange, staggered fashion and it’s hard to know for sure--the rest of the world is fucking nonexistent. There’s only Ellie. 

Ellie, here on the couch, kissing her with purpose, with a gentle sort of intensity that’s surprising and enthralling all at once. There's intention here, as if Ellie is desperately trying to communicate something to her strictly through this moment of contact, through the slow, captivatingly measured rhythm of her lips against Dina's.

And Dina doesn't know what it is, what she's trying to say, but she's very aware in that instant that nothing can be the same. Not after this. 

Once you've been kissed like this, Dina decides, with this much _want_ \--a _want_ that's complex and layered and so goddamn disarmingly intense--then how can you ever go back to anything less?

But then Ellie does pull away, and at once the guilt comes flooding in, the horror and distress; and Ellie doesn’t push her away, doesn’t seem to get upset, doesn’t even let go of her hand. But she does tip her head back against the couch, and says exactly what Dina’s thinking.

“ _Oh...fuck.”_

“I’m sorry,” Dina says, and she disentangles herself clumsily, nearly trips over the coffee table in her rush, “Shit... _shit_ , I’m sorry, that was stupid--god, what the fuck--”

“Dina,” Ellie says, “I didn’t--I’m sorry, too--there’s just--”

“Cat,” Dina says, “I know. And Jesse. God, _Jesse--”_ Dina scrubs her hands over her face, panic rising in her chest; she goes to the door, grabs her shoes, starts jamming them on her feet, “--we’re just...you know, we’re drunk and...and I--”

“I’m not...I’m not _that_ drunk,” Ellie says, standing in front of the couch now, watching Dina by the door.

Dina straightens up, looks back at Ellie with guilt and more panic.

“Me, either,” She confesses reluctantly.

“But you’re a little drunk?” Ellie asks.

“I guess,” She says, “I guess, but that’s--that’s not why I did that, not why I ki--”

“So you shouldn’t drive home,” Ellie interrupts pointedly, “Right? Just...stay. I’ll take the couch, you take the bed.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea--”

“It’s the only idea,” Ellie says, “Unless we’re gonna go wake Joel up and tell him we’re both drunk and you need a ride home.”

Admittedly, Dina does not want to do that. But staying doesn't seem like a viable option, either. Not with her heart hammering away like this, not with Ellie still standing there looking a little breathless, with her face flushed and her hair coming down even more than before.

“We don’t have to talk about it, Dina,” Ellie says with quiet desperation, “You said it, you know. We’re drunk. We were talking. It didn’t mean anything. It was nothing. Just...don’t leave. It’s not safe.”

Is that how she really feels? That it didn’t mean anything? It hadn’t felt that way. It had felt very much like she meant something, that she was trying to communicate something important to Dina; Dina had felt the urgency there, restrained but present. 

But maybe she’d been wrong. Maybe that was the way Ellie kissed everyone. Maybe she kissed Cat exactly the same way, every time. Maybe it hadn’t been specific to Dina at all. 

Maybe it really had been nothing. For Ellie.

“Okay,” Dina says, even though it’s almost worse now, almost harder to look at her knowing that it had been empty of meaning--that Dina had misread it sk badly, had been so naive, “Yeah, alright.”

“Alright? Okay, good,” Ellie says, “Just...hold on, I’ll find--some blankets, pillows--”

Ellie moves away to dig through a box and Dina collapses back onto the couch, feeling heavy and guilty and suddenly very tired. What’s she going to tell Jesse? She has to tell him, doesn’t she? And she can say _it was nothing,_ if she wants, but that’s a lie, too. Maybe it was nothing to Ellie but for Dina--it was everything. And she can’t lie about that to Jesse. It wouldn’t be fair.

Ellie comes back, sits down on the couch as far away from Dina as she can get, sets the blanket and pillow between them. It makes Dina feel all the worse.

“I’m not gonna take your bed,” Dina says resignedly, “Don’t be dumb. Guests take the couch.”

“Yeah? Says who?”

“Says the _rules_ ,” Dina answers.

“Yeah, well, under my roof--guests have the couch, but Dinas get the bed.”

“How many Dinas do you have over here?” Dina asks, and she can’t help but laugh a little, even though she feels like crying.

“That’s between me and the other Dinas,” Ellie says, smiles. 

And against her will, Dina feels just a tiny bit better. 

She gets up, starts to go to the bed.

“Dina,” Ellie says, looks up at her from the couch, and she’s fidgeting with her hands, the way she does when she’s nervous or upset.

“Thanks…” Ellie goes on haltingly, looking down at her feet, “For, you know...listening to me and...not getting freaked out. I haven’t really told anyone else any of that stuff so...maybe we could keep it between us?”

“You haven’t told Cat any of that?” Dina asks.

“No,” Ellie admits, “We don’t really talk about...I don’t know, anything, really. But especially not...heavy stuff like that.”

“Oh,” Dina says, nods, “Okay. Yeah, of course, I won’t...I won’t tell anyone.”

Dina turns, and she hears Ellie laying out the blanket, arranging the pillow; Dina hesitates. She can’t lie to Ellie, even by omission, just as much as she can’t lie to Jesse.

“Ellie,” She says over her shoulder, “It wasn’t _nothing_ to me. For whatever that’s worth.”

She can't look at her, but she hears the movement come to a pause. 

She doesn't wait for a response, because she doesn't need one. She just needs Ellie to know. 

She goes to the bed, climbs in. She's so tired and still in her clothes and these sheets smell like Ellie and it's almost too much--and yet terribly, tremendously not enough. 

When she settles onto her side, she finds Ellie watching her from the couch, next to the one little lamp left on in the room. Ellie holds her gaze, and the other girl's expression is unreadable but Dina thinks, maybe, there's something there. Like she's staring at Dina across a chasm, a gorge with no bridge, and she's trying to figure out how to get across. How to get to her.

 _I'm right here._ Dina hopes Ellie can see it, what she's trying to tell her with just an expression. Hopes Ellie knows how much she means it.

"I--" Ellie starts to say; then she sighs, gives a small shake of her head, lifts her hand and puts it on the light, "Good night, Dina."

"'Night, Ellie," Dina says, voice small and tired.

Ellie switches off the light.  
  



	12. Gold

_**ELLIE.** _

“You can scoot over,” Cat says sharply, “You’re just like...way too close. No offense.”

Ellie watches from the other side of the library table as a dark look washes over Dina’s face; she stiffens, but maneuvers her chair a little further away from Cat's. Ellie wishes she could crawl away--crawl far, far away.

Beside her, Jesse holds back a laugh, and she shoots him a withering glare. This is _not_ a laughing matter. This is a fucking nightmare.

“A little further,” Cat instructs pointedly, “It’s just, you know--I’m really big on personal boundaries--which I know you seem to struggle with or whatever, but--”

“You know, Cat, you don’t have to be here,” Dina says, laying her pen down on the table, “This isn’t even your group project, so--”

“Oh, I know,” Cat says, gives a smile that’s almost a little manic and frightening, “Isn’t it weird how you three always seem to get grouped together on these kinds of assignments? It’s strange, right? Why do you think that is--”

“Because we’re _friends--”_

 _“_ Are you?” Cat asks, “Are you _friends_?”

“Cat,” Ellie says with a sigh, “ _Please.”_

“No, let her go on,” Dina says, “Is there something you need to say, Cat?”

Jesse won’t stop snickering and it’s driving Ellie up the wall.

“ _I will literally kill you,_ ” Ellie hisses at him under her breath.

“ _Oh, you fucked up so bad,”_ He says back with barely contained laughter, “ _This is fucking gold, honestly.”_

“No, I’m _fine,_ ” Cat says, folding her hands together on the table, “I’m totally _fine._ This is fine. Everything’s fine.”

Dina continues to glare at her with stubborn skepticism, as if trying to decide whether or not the scuffle is really over.

“Really, it’s fine,” Cat tells her, motions to the pile of notes and assorted textbooks spread between them all on the table, “Go ahead, do your group work.”

Dina hesitates, but turns her attention away from Cat, back to the notebook in which she’d been writing.

“So I can get the poster board from--” Dina starts to say.

“I just think it’s _funny_ ,” Cat interrupts, “When you think about it--”

“ _What the fuck--”_ Ellie groans, closes her eyes, leans her elbows against the table and presses her hands over her face.

“--how you have a habit of _kissing_ your friends--like isn’t that funny? It’s just funny, because they’re both your friends, but you--”

“Cat, now really isn’t the time--” Dina says with careful, measured patience, “We can do this if you want, but the middle of the fucking library isn’t really the best--”

“Oh, would you rather go back to Ellie’s place? Would you feel more comfortable there? Apparently you feel _really_ comfortable there--”

“Jesus, Cat--” Ellie says, “You have to stop--you said this wasn’t gonna be a thing--”

“It’s not a _thing_ ,” Cat says as if she has no idea what Ellie’s talking about, “I’m just making an observation, that’s all. Dina feels really comfortable at your place--especially when _I’m_ out of town for the weekend and there’s alcohol involved--”

“Cat, listen to me,” Dina says in a rigid, pointed whisper, “I’m sorry about what happened, okay? It was a mistake. We were being stupid. Ellie was--like, really clear that it was...that it was _nothing._ So you can stop _punishing_ everybody, including the whole fucking library--”

“I’m not _punishing_ anyone,” Cat says, “I’m just trying to, y’know, really get a feel for this situation. I mean--what about you two--” She rounds on Ellie and Jesse, “You guys are cool? Like--she kissed your girlfriend, and you guys are still friends?” She asks Jesse.

Jesse looks supremely unflustered--amused, even. This is obviously all very entertaining for him.

“What can I say,” Jesse shrugs, “I’m not the jealous type. If I lost my mind every time Dina kissed someone after she's had a beer--I’d never have time to do anything else.”

Ellie shifts uncomfortably, looks across the table at Dina; their eyes meet for a moment and Ellie wonders--is that true? She knows what Dina said, that the kiss meant something to her--but what if it was just Dina being Dina? 

Because whatever Ellie had said, the kiss hadn’t been _nothing_ to her. 

That kiss had been like--like _wow._ It had been two weeks, and Ellie was still struggling for words, still reaching for some arrangement of phrases that would properly describe what she’d felt in that moment. 

It was like she’d been away on a really long trip, and the second Dina kissed her--she was finally _home._ It had been like falling into your own bed after a long, long time away and knowing, without a doubt, that you were absolutely where you were always meant to be, at last.

But maybe she’d been wrong.

Dina looks as if she’s trying to communicate something to Ellie across the table, trying to say something without using words, but Ellie looks away, feeling a little stupid and embarrassed.

Of course it was just Dina being Dina.

“Oh, well, that’s great, that’s good to know,” Cat says, nodding at Dina, “You’ve kissed so many people he’s not even jealous anymore, wow--”

Dina very slowly closes her notebook, looks alarmingly, disconcertingly calm--except for the impossibly tense set of her jaw.

“Cat,” Dina says calmly, and she looks up at the girl with a quiet, simmering kind of rage, “We have to get this done. It’s due tomorrow. It's May, and if Ellie fails this history class now, she's fucked. So unless that's what you want, I’m really gonna need you to lay the fuck off.”

Cat glares back at her, gives a resigned huff as her only response.

"Good,” Dina says, turning back to Jesse and Ellie across the table, “Okay--now. The poster board…”

\--

 _ **DINA**_.

Dina sighs when she sees Ellie coming down the hall later in the day--although she feels at least a little bit of relief when she realizes that, for once, Cat isn’t with her.

“So you managed to shake your chaperone?” Dina asks as she pulls a textbook from her locker, “Impressive.”

“ _Dina_ ,” Ellie says with some exasperation, “I’m sorry--”

“No, it’s fine, I _love_ being absolutely ripped apart in public, it’s the _best_ \--”

“She said she just felt more comfortable, coming along, and I can’t really fucking blame her, can I--”

“Well, you don’t have to let her keep terrorizing me over it, either, Ellie,” Dina says, and the emotion she was holding back in the library refuses to be contained now--the anger, a little bit of desperation, a deep sense of hurt, “I’m trying to be as understanding as I fucking can, but how much of this am I supposed to take?”

“I know, _I know--_ ” Ellie says, “I’ll...I’ll talk to her-- _again--”_

“So--you guys are staying together?” Dina asks, snapping the locker door shut, “You heard her in there, Ellie--she’s lost her fucking mind--”

“Well, are you and Jesse staying together?” Ellie asks, and there’s a defensiveness to her voice that takes Dina back for a second.

“Yeah, I think so,” She says uncomfortably, and she doesn’t know why it should make her uncomfortable--Ellie _said_ it meant _nothing._ It meant nothing. 

God, it had to mean something. 

Didn’t it?

“Well--where does that leave us?” Ellie asks, and there’s something in the way her shoulders drop, a deep uncertainty in the depths of her eyes that hits Dina hard.

“I don’t know…” Dina says, and she gives a small shrug, “Where do you _want_ it to leave us?”

Ellie looks down at her shoes, hands wrapped around the straps of her backpack and no one has a right to make Dina feel this way, to make her feel angry and upset and rejected--but also _this._ This overwhelming desire to comfort and care and protect and shield. She just wants to protect Ellie from every kind of harm, from every dark and unsavory thing in the world. It's so fucking stupid--Dina can't stand feeling this way, can't stand feeling dopey and sentimental over someone who doesn't feel the same way.

“We’re still...we’re still _friends_ , right?” Ellie asks haltingly.

It’s just a question. It shouldn’t hurt this much--but it does. It hurts.

“Yeah,” Dina says, forcing as much casualness into the words as she can, “Yeah, of course. But--I don’t know. I think maybe...maybe it’s best if I, like...step back. Y’know--let you and Cat...work on things or whatever.”

“Oh,” Ellie says, and there’s a furrow in her brow, a look of surprise. Maybe even hurt.

“Just--for a while, maybe,” Dina says, because even now, she can’t help but want to mitigate it, that pain on her face.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure,”Ellie says, and she stuffs her hands into her pockets, does that patented _Ellie_ kind of shrug, “I--yeah, I understand.”

“Cool,” Dina says, “We’ll still see each other around and stuff, right?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, and Dina wants to think that there’s too much cavalierness in her expression, that it seems like a front, but she can’t convince herself that it’s true. 

She can’t stop thinking about it, about Ellie saying it was _nothing_ \--when she had been so sure it was _something._ Now she can’t trust her instincts at all.

“Well, I’ll--see ya around, over the summer, I guess,” Ellie says.

“Yeah,” Dina says, and she wraps her arms around her books, hugs them in a little closer, “Totally.”

And she watches Ellie walk away.

\--


	13. Vampire

> **_ELLIE’S PHONE._ **
> 
> _JULY 22nd._
> 
> _TUESDAY. 10:28 pm._
> 
> _Message To: Dina_
> 
> Ellie: Hey
> 
> Ellie: I found a scarf at my place
> 
> Ellie: Pretty sure it’s yours
> 
> Ellie: Sent it with Jesse
> 
> Ellie: He might try to keep it
> 
> Ellie: it really brings out his eyes
> 
> Dina: thanks
> 
> \--
> 
> 11:06 pm.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: Are you working on those essays
> 
> Cat: The deadline is June.
> 
> Ellie: I’m working on them Cat
> 
> Ellie: which school is this for again
> 
> Cat: the private one
> 
> Ellie: i can’t afford private school cat
> 
> Cat: we can figure it out
> 
> Cat: and we’ll apply to back up schools too
> 
> Cat: just have to cover all the bases
> 
> Ellie: i’m not even sure I wanna go to school 
> 
> Cat: what?
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: there are other options
> 
> Cat: like what
> 
> Cat: this is crazy
> 
> Cat: we’ve always planned on going to school together
> 
> Ellie: YOU’VE always planned on us going to school together
> 
> Ellie: you don’t listen to me, Cat
> 
> Ellie: we don’t even hardly ever talk
> 
> Ellie: not about anything real
> 
> Cat: wow
> 
> Cat: harsh
> 
> Ellie: i’m sorry but it’s true
> 
> Ellie: where am I from, cat?
> 
> Ellie: before Jackson?
> 
> Cat: what, so now I have to pass some kind of quiz to be worthy
> 
> Cat: that’s fucked up ellie
> 
> Cat: do you know anything about me either
> 
> Cat: where am I from, ellie?
> 
> Ellie: I don’t know Cat
> 
> Ellie: because we don’t talk about things
> 
> Cat: so let’s talk about them
> 
> Cat: what are these other options you want to try
> 
> Ellie: i don’t know
> 
> Ellie: trade school maybe
> 
> Ellie: or the military
> 
> Cat: the military??
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: please
> 
> Cat: not the military
> 
> Ellie: what’s wrong with the military?
> 
> Cat: i just
> 
> Cat: we would be apart so much
> 
> Ellie: and we would live through it, i’m sure
> 
> Cat: would we though?
> 
> Cat: would we be together if we weren’t--literally together?
> 
> Cat: ellie?
> 
> \--
> 
> JUNE 13th.
> 
> SATURDAY. 10:08 am.
> 
> Message From: Jesse
> 
> Jesse: have u talked to dina
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Jesse: damn
> 
> Jesse: she’s not answering her phone
> 
> Ellie: is she ok
> 
> Jesse: probably
> 
> Jesse: she’s been weird though
> 
> Jesse: her folks went through on the divorce
> 
> Ellie: shit
> 
> Jesse: yeah
> 
> Jesse: she’s taking it hard
> 
> Ellie: I can try messaging her but
> 
> Ellie: u know she doesn’t talk to me anymore
> 
> Jesse: just let me know if you hear from her
> 
> Ellie: yeah ok
> 
> \--
> 
> 10:10 am.
> 
> Message To: Dina
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: jesse says ur not answering ur phone
> 
> Ellie: i think he’s worried about you
> 
> Ellie: he said your parents went through with it
> 
> Ellie: i’m sorry, dina
> 
> Ellie: can I do something
> 
> Ellie: really
> 
> Ellie: just
> 
> Ellie: let me know you’re okay
> 
> Ellie: please
> 
> Ellie: dina
> 
> Ellie: please
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: i’m fine
> 
> Dina: just 
> 
> Dina: sorting some things out
> 
> Dina: knew it was coming
> 
> Dina: still a bummer you know
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i can imagine
> 
> Ellie: are you really ok
> 
> Ellie: you can still talk to me you know
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: i know
> 
> Dina: thanks
> 
> Dina: but i’m fine
> 
> Ellie: fine never means fine
> 
> Dina: for right now
> 
> Dina: it’s close enough
> 
> \--
> 
> JUNE 28th.
> 
> WEDNESDAY. 1:18 am.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: ellie?
> 
> Ellie: yeah?
> 
> Ellie: what’s up?
> 
> Ellie: are you alright?
> 
> Dina: i’m okay
> 
> Dina: i mean
> 
> Dina: i’m not
> 
> Dina: can we talk?
> 
> OUTGOING PHONE CALL. 1:22 am.
> 
> \--
> 
> AUGUST 10th.
> 
> MONDAY. 8:12 pm.
> 
> Message From: Cat
> 
> Cat: ellie
> 
> Cat: i know things are kind of
> 
> Cat: not great right now
> 
> Cat: i think maybe we need to talk
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: i think we should
> 
> INCOMING CALL. 8:15 pm.
> 
> \--
> 
> AUGUST 12th. 6:46 pm.
> 
> Message To: Cat
> 
> Ellie: I dropped off a box for you 
> 
> Ellie: it had some clothes
> 
> Ellie: a couple records
> 
> Ellie: few other things from my house/truck
> 
> Ellie: just wanna make sure you got it
> 
> Cat: i did
> 
> Cat: thanks ellie
> 
> Cat: we're still like
> 
> Cat: we're still gonna be friends right
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: I'd like that
> 
> Cat: me too
> 
> \--
> 
> AUGUST 20th.
> 
> SUNDAY. 6:13 pm.
> 
> Message To: Jesse
> 
> Ellie: SERGIO?
> 
> Jesse: SERGIO
> 
> Ellie: the guy in Alexander’s band?
> 
> Ellie: the tambourine player??
> 
> Jesse: yeah, she showed up with him
> 
> Jesse: at Alexander’s party
> 
> Jesse: where were you anyway
> 
> Jesse: everyone was there
> 
> Ellie: went to a concert with joel
> 
> Jesse: you took joel to a concert
> 
> Ellie: um yeah
> 
> Ellie: it was a CCR cover band
> 
> Ellie: for his birthday
> 
> Jesse: aw aren’t u so sweet
> 
> Ellie: uh yeah, i am
> 
> Ellie: like the fucking sweetest
> 
> Ellie: he was over the moon
> 
> Ellie: u shoulda seen that old guy
> 
> Ellie: just jamming tf out
> 
> Ellie: it was the best
> 
> Jesse: i bet joel was fucking wild 
> 
> Jesse: like as a young dude
> 
> Ellie: i don’t think anyone knows the half of it
> 
> Ellie: well tommy might
> 
> Ellie: i’m gonna ask him
> 
> Ellie: anyway
> 
> Ellie: well good for cat
> 
> Ellie: sergio seems
> 
> Ellie: nice, I guess?
> 
> Jesse: he does know how to jam on a tambourine
> 
> Jesse: dude’s like a master of that shit
> 
> Ellie: um ok
> 
> Ellie: sounds like maybe YOU should date him
> 
> Jesse: maybe i will
> 
> Jesse: when cat’s done
> 
> Jesse: are you really okay with that?
> 
> Jesse: like...ur not sad or anything
> 
> Ellie: nah
> 
> Ellie: i mean
> 
> Ellie: it helps that he plays tambourine
> 
> Ellie: like that's kinda hilarious to me
> 
> Ellie: but i’m happy if cat’s happy
> 
> Jesse: so what now
> 
> Jesse: ur just gonna be a bachelor for a while
> 
> Ellie: i guess
> 
> Ellie: graduating this year and everything
> 
> Ellie: might as well be as free as possible, I guess?
> 
> Jesse: sure
> 
> Jesse: gotta be free up for the college girls, right?
> 
> Ellie: lol
> 
> Ellie: idk
> 
> Ellie: maybe
> 
> Ellie: or maybe just gonna focus on myself for a while
> 
> Jesse: oh no
> 
> Jesse: people only say that when they’re like
> 
> Jesse: really sad dude
> 
> Jesse: now I’m really fucking worried
> 
> Ellie: lmao
> 
> Ellie: i’m good really
> 
> Ellie: just like
> 
> Ellie: doing my thing
> 
> Ellie: being my best Ellie
> 
> Jesse: OH NO
> 
> Jesse: this just keeps getting worse???
> 
> Jesse: on a scale of (: to :( how are you feeling right now?
> 
> Ellie: On that scale I’d probably say I’m like a solid fuck you Jesse
> 
> Jesse: lmao
> 
> Jesse: seriously though
> 
> Jesse: I think it’s cool
> 
> Jesse: like just giving urself time to breathe
> 
> Jesse: it’s smart
> 
> Jesse: i get it
> 
> Jesse: so listen
> 
> Jesse: Ben just got a motorcycle
> 
> Jesse: One of those dirt bikes right
> 
> Jesse: And I’m not saying we should see if we can jump it over his Honda
> 
> Jesse: but
> 
> Ellie: but we should definitely see if we can jump it over his Honda
> 
> Jesse: fuck yeah
> 
> Jesse: don’t tell dina
> 
> \--
> 
> AUGUST 26th.
> 
> SATURDAY. 1:42 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: so jesse has a concussion
> 
> Dina: and ur both dead to me
> 
> Dina: and ben too
> 
> Ellie: DINA I’M SO SORRY
> 
> Ellie: does it help that he did in fact clear the honda
> 
> Ellie: like he jumped a car with a fuckin motorcycle dina
> 
> Ellie: it was badass
> 
> Ellie: he just needs some work on
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Ellie: the landing part
> 
> Dina: NO IT DOES NOT HELP
> 
> Dina: DID YOU TRY IT TOO
> 
> Ellie: hold on I need to call my lawyer
> 
> Dina: ELLIE FUCKING WILLIAMS
> 
> Ellie: my lawyer has advised me to stop answering questions at this time
> 
> Dina: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS
> 
> Ellie: ok but
> 
> Ellie: i did jump it
> 
> Ellie: and it was also badass
> 
> Dina: WTF ELLIE
> 
> \--
> 
> SEPTEMBER 12th.
> 
> FRIDAY. 8:17 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: dropped off the packets at the post office
> 
> Joel: they are officially one their way
> 
> Ellie: cool
> 
> Joel: ur nervous huh
> 
> Ellie: as fuck yeah
> 
> Joel: don’t be
> 
> Joel: they’re a buncha idiots if they don’t want you at their school
> 
> Ellie: my grades aren’t spectacular joel
> 
> Ellie: what do i do if I don’t get in
> 
> Joel: anything u want
> 
> Joel: don’t worry about that ellie
> 
> Joel: we’ll figure it all out
> 
> Ellie: there’s always the military right
> 
> Joel: if that’s what you want
> 
> Joel: i don’t love the idea
> 
> Joel: seems dangerous
> 
> Joel: but i’ll support whatever you decide to do kiddo
> 
> Ellie: thanks joel
> 
> \--
> 
> OCTOBER 8th.
> 
> THURSDAY. 12:42 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: so talia isn’t coming home from school this year for halloween
> 
> Ellie: is that a thing? 
> 
> Ellie: do people normally come home for halloween?
> 
> Dina: Talia usually does
> 
> Dina: because my dad used to throw these big halloween parties, right
> 
> Dina: and after he died
> 
> Dina: talia and I kept the tradition going
> 
> Dina: this’ll be the first year of my life that there won’t be a big halloween party
> 
> Ellie: why isn’t she coming home?
> 
> Ellie: kinda shitty
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: i think she’s just busy living her life
> 
> Dina: i guess i can’t hold it against her
> 
> Dina: it’s just...really hard
> 
> Dina: it's our tradition 
> 
> Dina: keeps us connected to our dad
> 
> Dina; idk
> 
> Ellie: fuck it
> 
> Ellie: halloween party at my place
> 
> Ellie: let’s do it
> 
> Dina: what
> 
> Dina: you hate parties
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Ellie: but you don’t
> 
> Ellie: i’ve never thrown a big halloween party
> 
> Ellie: i’m gonna need like
> 
> Ellie: a shit ton of help
> 
> Dina: i think I know someone who can help
> 
> Ellie: do you?
> 
> Dina: yeah someone w a lot of experience throwing halloween parties
> 
> Ellie: oh cool
> 
> Ellie: she sounds awesome 
> 
> Ellie: can't wait to meet her
> 
> Dina: yeah i think you guys are really gonna hit it off
> 
> Ellie: yeah? 
> 
> Dina: yeah for sure
> 
> \--
> 
> October 26th. 
> 
> TUESDAY. 10:42 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: do you think you could give me a ride in the morning
> 
> Dina: jesse and i got in this stupid fight
> 
> Dina: and my car is still in the shop
> 
> Ellie: sure
> 
> Ellie: so u wanna talk about it
> 
> Ellie: the fight 
> 
> Dina: it's not a big thing
> 
> Dina: he's just stressed out because the recruiters are showing up to games now
> 
> Dina: he's really hoping for a scholarship
> 
> Ellie: he said his parents have some big fund put aside for his college
> 
> Dina: yeah but
> 
> Dina: he says if he can get a scholarship
> 
> Dina: his parents could use the college fund to pay off the house
> 
> Dina: be almost debt free
> 
> Dina: god is it dumb to be mad at someone who's so fucking nice?
> 
> Ellie: nah
> 
> Ellie: it's possible to be nice
> 
> Ellie: and good
> 
> Ellie: and still be annoying af sometimes
> 
> Ellie: just look at me
> 
> Dina: i know you think you're joking but
> 
> Dina: it’s kind of accurate
> 
> Ellie: thanks
> 
> \--
> 
> NOVEMBER 1st.
> 
> SUNDAY. 1:18 am.
> 
> Message To: Dina
> 
> Ellie: DINA
> 
> Ellie: DINA
> 
> Ellie: HOLY SHIT
> 
> Ellie: hello
> 
> Ellie: i had
> 
> Ellie: so much
> 
> Ellie: to drink and
> 
> Ellie: i am a vampire
> 
> Ellie: right now
> 
> Dina: yes i know
> 
> Dina: i’m looking right at you
> 
> Dina: you are a vampire
> 
> Dina: like wow
> 
> Dina: holy fuck
> 
> Dina: a fucking vampire
> 
> Dina: like just a whole
> 
> Dina: fucking edward cullen like
> 
> Dina: vampire
> 
> Ellie: NO
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: i’m like
> 
> Ellie: fucking lestat
> 
> Ellie: i’m a murder vampire
> 
> Ellie: not a sparkle vampire
> 
> Ellie: like a sexy murder chomp chomp blood vampire
> 
> Ellie: c’mon man
> 
> Dina: OH
> 
> Dina: gotcha
> 
> Dina: sexy murder vampire
> 
> Dina: SEXY MURDER VAMPIRE
> 
> Dina: yep
> 
> Ellie: we threw a great fucking party
> 
> Ellie: like
> 
> Ellie: holy shit
> 
> Ellie: are we the best party throwers like
> 
> Ellie: ever?
> 
> Dina: we are
> 
> Dina: we really are
> 
> Dina: we fucking rocked this
> 
> Dina: should we do this full time
> 
> Dina: like just throw fucking parties
> 
> Ellie: and be vampires
> 
> Ellie: I wanna be a vampire full time
> 
> Ellie: fuck college
> 
> Ellie: i’m gonna be a sexy murder vampire
> 
> Dina: YES
> 
> Dina: DO IT
> 
> Dina: LIVE YOUR DREAMsss
> 
> Ellie: I FUCKING WILL
> 
> Ellie: I’M GONNA LIVE MY DREAMS
> 
> Ellie: Dina
> 
> Ellie: Dina?
> 
> Ellie: Dina
> 
> Dina: Ellie?
> 
> Dina: yes, ellie
> 
> Dina: what is it, ellie
> 
> Ellie: do you think we should get married
> 
> Dina: HAHA what
> 
> Ellie: ok just
> 
> Ellie: listen
> 
> Ellie: like we could get married
> 
> Ellie: and have like
> 
> Ellie: idk 
> 
> Ellie: fuckin like...goats and
> 
> Ellie: like a farm
> 
> Ellie: like a farm?
> 
> Ellie: a farm
> 
> Dina: you wanna get married
> 
> Dina: and have a farm
> 
> Dina: with goats?
> 
> Ellie: YES
> 
> Ellie: living my dream
> 
> Dina: let’s do it
> 
> Dina: let’s fucking do it
> 
> Dina: fucking farm LIFE
> 
> Dina: can i have wind chimes
> 
> Ellie: YES
> 
> Ellie: all the fucking wind chimes
> 
> Ellie: so many windchimes
> 
> Ellie: just a fucking chorus of wind chimes
> 
> Ellie: we’ll never sleep again
> 
> Ellie: neither will the goats
> 
> Ellie: just windchime concert all day and night
> 
> Dina: that would be bad for the goats though
> 
> Dina: and us
> 
> Dina: i think
> 
> Dina: sleep is
> 
> Dina: good for things
> 
> Ellie: I DON’T NEED SLEEP
> 
> Ellie: vampire remember
> 
> Dina: oh right yeah
> 
> Ellie: but you can sleep sometimes
> 
> Ellie: if you want
> 
> Ellie: i’ll use my immortal time to like
> 
> Ellie: take down all the windchimes at night
> 
> Ellie: and put them up again in the morning?
> 
> Ellie: damn farm life is already hard
> 
> Dina: you would do that for me
> 
> Dina: i’m gonna cry
> 
> Dina: like 
> 
> Dina: i’m so moved
> 
> Dina: that you would take care of my wind chimes
> 
> Dina: you’re the best sexy murder vampire wife in the world
> 
> Ellie: i fucking know right
> 
> Ellie: i am the best wife
> 
> Ellie: sexy murder vampire wife goat caretaker
> 
> Dina: like what if we really got married for real
> 
> Dina: like that would be just like 
> 
> Dina: fucking weird right
> 
> Dina: lol
> 
> Ellie: yeah so fucking weird
> 
> Ellie: totally
> 
> Ellie: weird like
> 
> Ellie: us getting married that’s
> 
> Ellie: fucking weird
> 
> Ellie: i was just
> 
> Ellie: like i was kidding about it
> 
> Ellie: i didn’t
> 
> Dina: oh 
> 
> Dina: i mean
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: I knew you were kidding
> 
> Ellie: goats?
> 
> Ellie: who has goats?
> 
> Ellie: and wind chimes?
> 
> Dina: well i kinda want the wind chimes
> 
> Ellie: i kinda want the goats
> 
> Dina: i kinda want the farm
> 
> Ellie: i kinda want to get married
> 
> Ellie: and also to be a vampire
> 
> Ellie: i want that too
> 
> Dina: i
> 
> Dina: wait
> 
> Dina: oh shit
> 
> Dina: don’t look
> 
> Dina: but Cat and sergio are like
> 
> Dina: really getting along
> 
> Dina: over by the porch?
> 
> Dina: i said don’t look!
> 
> Ellie: oh fuuuuck
> 
> Ellie: they totally are
> 
> Ellie: haha
> 
> Ellie: good for them
> 
> Ellie: i still hate the fucking tambourine though
> 
> Ellie: like just learn to play the drums already my dude
> 
> Ellie: or at least the fucking bass
> 
> Ellie: what the fuck is with that
> 
> Dina: tambourines are very important ellie
> 
> Dina: they carry the underlying rhythms
> 
> Ellie: FUCK TAMBOURINES no one can change my mind on this
> 
> Dina: so you’re really ok
> 
> Dina: like with breaking up with Cat
> 
> Ellie: YEAH
> 
> Ellie: i’m a vampire
> 
> Ellie: vampires don’t have feelings
> 
> Dina: ok but Ellies do
> 
> Ellie: not this one
> 
> Dina: yes this one
> 
> Ellie: nope
> 
> Ellie: no feelings
> 
> Ellie: i am a no feelings zone
> 
> Ellie: living my best no feelings life
> 
> Dina: you’re full of shit
> 
> Dina: but you’re also very funny
> 
> Dina: and cute
> 
> Dina: for being undead
> 
> Dina: and murdery
> 
> Dina: with the blood
> 
> Ellie: aw thanks bro
> 
> Ellie: thanks
> 
> Ellie: i think you’re funny too
> 
> Ellie: and like
> 
> Ellie: i think you’re just
> 
> Ellie: i think you’re the best?
> 
> Ellie: so the best
> 
> Ellie: so fucking adorable
> 
> Ellie: like especially when like
> 
> Ellie: you do that thing
> 
> Ellie: where you roll your eyes at me
> 
> Ellie: but you laugh anyway
> 
> Ellie: that’s the best
> 
> Ellie: i like that
> 
> Ellie: making you laugh
> 
> Ellie: you know
> 
> Dina: you’re very funny
> 
> Dina: and smart
> 
> Dina: and also kinda dumb
> 
> Dina: and i love that
> 
> Dina: so of course you make me laugh
> 
> Dina: i kind of love you?
> 
> Dina: i kind of love you
> 
> Ellie: oh man
> 
> Ellie: hey
> 
> Ellie: i kind of love you too?
> 
> Ellie: oh shit
> 
> Ellie: lol
> 
> Ellie: so weird
> 
> Dina: so weird!!@!
> 
> Dina: oh shit
> 
> Dina: we are gonna be like
> 
> Dina: hungover as FUCK 
> 
> Ellie: worth it
> 
> Ellie: also vampires don’t get hangovers
> 
> Ellie: so
> 
> Ellie: sorry about your luck
> 
> Dina: haha we’ll fucking see about that
> 
> \--
> 
> NOVEMBER 1st.
> 
> SUNDAY. 2:48 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: are you alive over there
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: i am dead
> 
> Ellie: i am a dead person
> 
> Ellie: i am the deadest person 
> 
> Dina: my head
> 
> Dina: is fucked
> 
> Dina: oh my god
> 
> Dina: wtf did we drink
> 
> Dina: my mouth tastes like gasoline
> 
> Dina: did we drink gasoline
> 
> Dina: oh no
> 
> Ellie: i don’t even know
> 
> Ellie: holy shit
> 
> Ellie: I can’t feel my face
> 
> Ellie: is this hell
> 
> Ellie: this is hell
> 
> Ellie: I am dead and this is hell
> 
> Dina: we should google hangover cures
> 
> Ellie: why i’m already dead
> 
> Ellie: save yourself
> 
> Dina: why were we texting last night
> 
> Dina: we were five feet from each other
> 
> Ellie: i don’t remember that
> 
> Ellie: what the fuck did we say
> 
> Ellie: oh shit
> 
> Ellie: oh
> 
> Ellie: ok
> 
> Ellie: wow
> 
> Dina: we were very fucking drunk
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: too drunk
> 
> Ellie: i’m still drunk?
> 
> Ellie: yeah still a little drunk
> 
> Dina: shit let’s not do this again?
> 
> Dina: for a while at least
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: at least not until next year
> 
> Ellie: it’s a tradition, y'know
> 
> \--
> 
> NOVEMBER 22nd.
> 
> MONDAY. 2:18 pm.
> 
> Message To: Joel
> 
> Ellie: are u at the store yet?
> 
> Ellie: Dina says we need more eggs too
> 
> Ellie: like 18 eggs
> 
> Joel: more eggs
> 
> Joel: y'all ain't got enough damn eggs yet
> 
> Ellie: well someone ate the deviled eggs we made last night
> 
> Ellie: and i won't name any names
> 
> Ellie: but it rhymes with shmole
> 
> Ellie: or coal
> 
> Ellie: or toll
> 
> Joel: I ONLY HAD A FEW
> 
> Ellie: HALF A DOZEN IS NOT A FEW
> 
> Joel: well y'all just left them in the fridge
> 
> Joel: how was I supposed to know they were special thanksgiving eggs
> 
> Ellie: HOW OFTEN DO WE MAKE DEVILED EGGS JOEL
> 
> Joel: WHY DO YOU THINK I ATE THEM WHILE I HAD THE CHANCE ELLIE
> 
> Joel: Christ on a cracker i will get your eggs
> 
> Joel: damn kids
> 
> Joel: what time are the rest of these hooligan friends of yours supposed to be there
> 
> Ellie: six o'clock 
> 
> Ellie: so chop chop joel
> 
> Ellie: tommy and the kids are already here
> 
> Joel: don't you chop chop me
> 
> Joel: I'm getting more food out of this right 
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Joel: what kind
> 
> Ellie: i don't even know what we're making I'm just doing what Dina says
> 
> Ellie: i think there might be a ham involved?
> 
> Ellie: i peeled potatoes so those should be here somewhere
> 
> Ellie: i stirred some macaroni and cheese earlier, I think?
> 
> Ellie: oh shit i have to go i just spilled milk everywhere
> 
> Ellie: why was there milk out???
> 
> Ellie: joel she's kinda scary when she's this focused I'm afraid to ask any questions 
> 
> Ellie: there's so much milk
> 
> Ellie: please get more milk before she finds out
> 
> Ellie: JOEL
> 
> \--
> 
> DECEMBER 25th.
> 
> WEDNESDAY. 9:26 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: merry christmas
> 
> Ellie: merry christmas
> 
> Ellie: and happy Hanukkah 
> 
> Ellie: how's it going at Talia's place
> 
> Dina: it's fine
> 
> Dina: lots of food
> 
> Dina: her boyfriend is dumb
> 
> Dina: but she seems happy
> 
> Dina: kinda ready to come home
> 
> Ellie: so come home
> 
> Ellie: you're allowed to do that y'know
> 
> Dina: idk
> 
> Dina: i might 
> 
> Dina: tell me how christmas went for you and joel
> 
> Ellie: it was great
> 
> Ellie: we had cookies
> 
> Ellie: which I burned
> 
> Ellie: so joel made more
> 
> Ellie: he's actually a really good cook?
> 
> Ellie: when he wants to be
> 
> Ellie: we listened to some old records of his
> 
> Ellie: like christmas music
> 
> Ellie: and opened gifts
> 
> Ellie: christmases with Joel are really corny and old fashioned but
> 
> Ellie: i kinda love it
> 
> Ellie: they're the best
> 
> Dina: yeah?
> 
> Dina: what did he get you 
> 
> Ellie: Dina 
> 
> Ellie: it's so awesome
> 
> Ellie: he paid for me to do an archery class
> 
> Ellie: like
> 
> Ellie: i am so excited
> 
> Dina: oh shit 
> 
> Dina: ellie with a bow and arrows?
> 
> Dina: idk how I feel about that
> 
> Ellie: it's gonna be amazing 
> 
> Ellie: and I got him this wood carving set
> 
> Ellie: because he needs a hobby
> 
> Ellie: and I think he'll be good at it
> 
> Ellie: and I also
> 
> Ellie: well I paid to have that picture of him and sarah framed up really well
> 
> Ellie: like professionally 
> 
> Ellie: i think he liked it
> 
> Ellie: we had a good talk
> 
> Dina: good
> 
> Dina: that's really good ellie
> 
> Dina: I'm glad i got to see talia but 
> 
> Dina: i kinda miss you guys
> 
> Dina: you and joel and jesse and his parents
> 
> Ellie: we miss you too
> 
> Ellie: you should just come home tomorrow
> 
> Ellie: if you want
> 
> Dina: i do
> 
> Dina: i really do
> 
> Dina: i think i will
> 
> Dina: any of joel's cookies left?
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Dina: save em for me?
> 
> Ellie: you got it
> 
> \--
> 
> JANUARY 26th.
> 
> MONDAY. 12:36 am.
> 
> Message To: Dina
> 
> Ellie: dina
> 
> Ellie: are you up
> 
> Dina: yeah
> 
> Dina: are you alright
> 
> Dina: what's wrong
> 
> Ellie: i don't think i am
> 
> Ellie: i dont think I'm alright
> 
> Ellie: i don't fucking know
> 
> Dina: what happened 
> 
> Dina: what's going on
> 
> Ellie: i don't know
> 
> Ellie: dina
> 
> Ellie: I just
> 
> Ellie: he fucking lied to me dina
> 
> Ellie: joel lied to me
> 
> Ellie: and now I'm just
> 
> Ellie: god I'm so fucked up dina
> 
> Ellie: i don't even know what I'm doing
> 
> Ellie: or who I fucking am
> 
> Ellie: fuck
> 
> Dina: just stay right there
> 
> Dina: I'm on my way


	14. Impervious

**_DINA._ **

When Ellie answers the door, she doesn’t look at all like herself. Her face is pale, cheeks flushed, eyes rimmed red with recently shed tears and Dina isn’t sure that she’s ever actually seen Ellie like this--ever actually seen her cry. 

Not like this. 

Ellie stands at the door, drags a sleeve quickly over her face, as if that will hide the copious amounts of evidence that she’s clearly incredibly upset. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” She says to Dina in a thick voice, “It’s late. It’s not safe--”

“Are you kidding right now? Just let me in,” Dina says with a gentle sort of impatience; she sidles through the door, closes it behind her, picks up Ellie’s hands, “Tell me what the hell is going on.”

Ellie looks down, gives a small shake of her head. Dina can almost see it, playing there across her face--a deep, unyielding struggle to remain neutral and calm. Ellie’s pervasive need to remain perpetually impervious is both endearing, in its way--but also incredibly frustrating to Dina. Ellie so badly needs the world to believe she’s a wall, that she’s invincible and unreachable and can’t be hurt. And it makes it impossible, at times like these, to communicate with her, to get her to just  _ be human. _

Ellie desperately needs to never be seen as  _ weak  _ and Dina understands that. Ellie has built a fortress around herself to keep everyone else at bay and it’s easy to see why. Ellie has always been guarded about her life before Jackson, but Dina knows enough to piece it together, to see a picture of a child who was untethered and adrift in a system that didn’t know what to do with her, didn’t afford her the opportunities to create lasting bonds or meaningful relationships. 

When no one invests in you, when you’re left to carry yourself along and navigate a world full of wolves all on your own--yeah, Dina can see how that might create an unwillingness to open up to people. 

Dina doesn’t know how to say it, how to show it, how to prove it--that Ellie is  _ safe _ here. With her.

“Ellie…” Dina says, and she applies the smallest pressure to Ellie’s hand, “Talk to me. Please."

Ellie lifts her eyes, and it’s unfair, the effect it has on Dina. It’s unfair, the things she would do, the lengths she would go to if it meant lessening an ounce of the pain there.

“Joel,” She says simply, and her voice is fractured, split, entirely not like  _ Ellie,  _ “He fucking  _ lied _ , Dina.”

“About  _ what? _ ” Dina asks.

Ellie pulls her hands away, pushes her fingers through her hair, as if she’s desperately trying to contain herself. As if she’s holding back, trying to decide if she can say it, if she  _ wants _ to say it.

She walks to the couch, collapses onto it heavily, puts her head in her hands, covers her face.

Dina sits down beside her carefully, the way you might sit down beside a bomb. She doesn’t know what will help, or what will only make things worse. She wants to put a hand on her shoulder--but will that feel like comfort or pity? Because if it’s  _ pity _ , Ellie will absolutely shut down and Dina knows it. 

And it’s strange to know someone this well, to understand in some small portion just how their inner workings move--and yet, really, to know nothing about them at all.

“Dina…” Ellie says from behind her hands, “This is...it’s fucked up. Like...it means--it means  _ I’m  _ fucked up--”

“Ellie,” Dina says gently, “Whatever it is, it’s not gonna change anything--”

“What if it  _ does _ ?” Ellie asks, hands sliding away from her face just enough to meet Dina’s eyes, “It’s already changed things. I don’t--I can’t even look at myself the same. How could  _ anyone  _ look at me the same? How could--” 

Ellie looks away.

“How could  _ you  _ look at me the same?”

“Hey,” Dina says, and she reaches out, lays that hand on Ellie’s shoulder; for a second, Ellie stiffens and Dina thinks she might push her away--but she doesn’t, “Nothing could change the way I look at you.  _ Nothing.  _ Whatever it is...you don’t have to deal with it all by yourself.”

Ellie doesn’t immediately respond, just stays folded over, elbows to knees, gaze fixed to the floor. 

And then.

“You remember the, uh--you remember the guy I told you about, at the group home in Texas?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Dina says, “Yeah, I remember.”

“Well...I always took Joel’s word for it. Y’know--that he went to prison. Joel said he was sent to some prison in fucking  _ Utah.  _ But after you and I talked about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About him. About David.”

She pauses, straights up on the couch; she’s surprisingly calm now, arms folded over her chest. Her expression is distant.

“I got online, y’know--started looking around. I don’t even know why. I don’t know what made me want to do it. I started checking all these prison records and stuff, looking at all these jails and prisons in Utah but...there was nothing. Dina, there was  _ nothing _ about him in those records.”

“Oh...oh, shit,” Dina says quietly, “He didn’t go to jail, did he?”

“No,” Ellie says, “No, he didn’t go to jail. He didn’t go to fucking jail--”

“God, I’m so sorry, Ellie, he deserves to fucking rot in prison for what he put you through--”

“--he didn’t go to to jail because he fucking  _ died _ , Dina.”

Dina freezes, trying to understand.

Ellie closes her eyes, and her jaw is clenched tight; there’s an anguish in her face, a deep sense of conflict. When she speaks again, it’s quiet, and broken.

“He died the day Joel came back for me. He fucking bled out. Dina…”

She hesitates, as if steeling herself to use the words, mouth poised around the syllables like they might be poisonous, like they might ruin everything.

“...he died because I  _ killed  _ him.”


	15. killer definition

> **_ELLIE’S PHONE._ **
> 
> **JANUARY 29th.**
> 
> FRIDAY. 11:38 am.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: Ellie
> 
> Joel: i know you’re mad at me
> 
> Joel: i get it
> 
> Joel: but we gotta talk about this kid
> 
> Joel: i mean more than we did
> 
> Joel: more than you just walking out on me 
> 
> Joel: before i can even explain
> 
> Joel: are you listening 
> 
> Joel: please ellie
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> \------
> 
> **FEBRUARY 1st.**
> 
> MONDAY. 9:22 am.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: you’re missing 1st period
> 
> Dina: is everything ok
> 
> Dina: are you alright
> 
> Ellie: I’m fine
> 
> Ellie: just didn’t feel like going today
> 
> Dina: oh
> 
> Dina: ok
> 
> Dina: are you sure you’re ok
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Ellie: it’s fine
> 
> Dina: where are you
> 
> Ellie: out at the lake
> 
> Ellie: you wanna come?
> 
> Dina: we have school ellie
> 
> Dina: but
> 
> Dina: yeah 
> 
> Ellie: just cut 2nd period
> 
> Ellie: come hang out with me
> 
> Dina: and then we can go back?
> 
> Ellie: you can
> 
> Ellie: i’m not
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: c’mon
> 
> Ellie: just not feeling it dina
> 
> Ellie: not today
> 
> Dina: okay
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: do you think maybe you’re being too hard on joel?
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Ellie: no dina
> 
> Ellie: he lied to me
> 
> Ellie: he fed me a bunch of bullshit
> 
> Ellie: instead of just trusting that I could handle the truth
> 
> Ellie: he lied like everyone else
> 
> Ellie: i thought i could trust him
> 
> Dina: i think maybe
> 
> Dina: maybe he had reasons ellie
> 
> Ellie: yeah his reasons were that he didn’t want everyone to think he had a murderer living with him
> 
> Ellie: it was too late to send me back
> 
> Ellie: too late to pawn me off
> 
> Ellie: so he had to save face
> 
> Ellie: make up a lie
> 
> Ellie: move across the fucking country
> 
> Ellie: to fucking bumfuck nowhere
> 
> Ellie: just to protect himself
> 
> Dina: well
> 
> Dina: i’m sorry you had to end up in fucking bumfuck nowhere
> 
> Ellie: dina
> 
> Ellie: i’m sorry
> 
> Ellie: that’s not what I meant
> 
> Ellie: you know I’m glad I’m here
> 
> Ellie: however it happened
> 
> Dina: good
> 
> Dina: me too
> 
> Dina: i’m just saying--
> 
> Dina: do you really believe all that?
> 
> Dina: do you really think joel is that kind of person?
> 
> Ellie: i don’t know what to believe about Joel now
> 
> Dina: I’m sorry ellie
> 
> Dina: but hey
> 
> Dina: class is almost over
> 
> Dina: i’ll meet you out there at the lake okay?
> 
> Ellie: ok
> 
> \------
> 
> **FEBRUARY 2nd.**
> 
> TUESDAY. 1:22 pm.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: your school called
> 
> Joel: your missing class
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: we can talk this out
> 
> Joel: I know we can
> 
> Joel: you gotta give me a chance
> 
> Joel: dammit ellie
> 
> Joel: don’t do this
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Ellie: please leave me alone
> 
> \------
> 
> **FEBRUARY 9th.**
> 
> TUESDAY. 12:58 pm.
> 
> Message From: Jesse
> 
> Jesse: hey
> 
> Jesse: where you at man
> 
> Jesse: it’s been like 4 days since you’ve been in class
> 
> Jesse: i’m running out of things to tell coach don for PE
> 
> Jesse: ellie?
> 
> Jesse: seriously dude
> 
> Jesse: what the hell is going on
> 
> \------
> 
> **FEBRUARY 11th.**
> 
> THURSDAY. 3:22 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: hey
> 
> Dina: what are you up to
> 
> Dina: thought maybe we could see a movie this afternoon?
> 
> Dina: there’s some new action thingy
> 
> Dina: seems right up your alley
> 
> Ellie: oh shit
> 
> Ellie: yeahhh
> 
> Ellie: that sounds cool
> 
> Ellie: only i am like
> 
> Ellie: not able to drive right now so
> 
> Ellie: i mean maybe i’ll pass
> 
> Ellie: like a what the fuck do they call it
> 
> Ellie: a rain check
> 
> Ellie: rainnn check
> 
> Dina: are you ok
> 
> Ellie: YES
> 
> Ellie: yes I am fine
> 
> Ellie: I am like fine wine
> 
> Ellie: wine and fine
> 
> Ellie: so fine
> 
> Incoming Call. 3:31 pm.
> 
> Missed Call. 3:31 pm.
> 
> Dina: ellie i think you should pick up the phone
> 
> Ellie: why
> 
> Ellie: we can talk like this
> 
> Ellie: like this texting
> 
> Ellie: like we are talking right now
> 
> Dina: ellie are you like
> 
> Dina: are you fucking drunk?
> 
> Dina: at 3:30 in the afternoon?
> 
> Dina: on a damn school day?
> 
> Ellie: no
> 
> Ellie: but i am working on it
> 
> Ellie: so yes?
> 
> Ellie: so almost
> 
> Ellie: mostly
> 
> Ellie: yeah
> 
> Dina: ellie we need to talk about this
> 
> Ellie: nah
> 
> Ellie: i don’t wanna talk
> 
> Ellie: i mean like thank you for like
> 
> Ellie: sitting with me the other night
> 
> Ellie: and for being...idk...
> 
> Ellie: maybe the only real friend i’ve ever had
> 
> Ellie: but i don’t wanna talk
> 
> Dina: ok
> 
> Dina: we don’t have to talk
> 
> Dina: can i just come over
> 
> Ellie: if you promise we won’t talk about this
> 
> Ellie: just like
> 
> Ellie: come have a drink with me 
> 
> Ellie: if you want
> 
> Dina: okay ellie
> 
> Dina: sure
> 
> \------
> 
> **FEBRUARY 26th.**
> 
> FRIDAY. 3:38 am.
> 
> Message From: Joel
> 
> Joel: ellie i heard ur truck just pull in
> 
> Joel: it’s almost 4 in the morning
> 
> Joel: where have you been
> 
> Joel: ellie goddamit
> 
> Joel: you can be mad at me
> 
> Joel: but don’t go getting urself in trouble
> 
> Joel: doing something you can’t take back
> 
> Joel: ellie i am begging
> 
> Joel: just talk to me
> 
> Joel: please
> 
> Ellie: i don’t wanna talk
> 
> Ellie: after graduation in may i’m gone
> 
> Ellie: and none of this will matter anyway
> 
> Joel: ellie
> 
> Joel: don’t
> 
> Joel: please
> 
> \------
> 
> **MARCH 3rd.**
> 
> WEDNESDAY. 2:21 am.
> 
> **_Google search:_ **
> 
> murderer
> 
> murderer definition
> 
> killer definition
> 
> david texas murder
> 
> joel miller
> 
> ptsd
> 
> jackson wyoming drop out rates
> 
> school drop out process
> 
> how to drop out
> 
> **_Spotify Search:_ **
> 
> johnny cash personal jesus
> 
> \------
> 
> **MARCH 8th.**
> 
> MONDAY. 1:38 pm.
> 
> Message From: Dina
> 
> Dina: cap and gown orders were due today
> 
> Dina: you know for graduation
> 
> Dina: you weren’t here so
> 
> Dina: i put in an order for you
> 
> Dina: i hope that’s ok
> 
> Dina: ellie i know this is tough
> 
> Dina: i know you’re struggling
> 
> Dina: i know you’re hurting
> 
> Dina: i just wish you’d talk to me
> 
> Dina: you don’t have to do this alone ellie
> 
> \------
> 
> **MARCH 13th.**
> 
> SATURDAY. 4:59 am.
> 
> **_Google search:_ **
> 
> airplane tickets
> 
> airplane tickets anywhere
> 
> airplane tickets one way
> 
> bus ticket
> 
> new york
> 
> chicago
> 
> los angeles
> 
> san francisco
> 
> santa barbara
> 
> boston
> 
> murderer definition
> 
> killer definition
> 
> drive time jackson wy to boston mass
> 
> killer definition
> 
> **_Spotify search:_ **
> 
> boston by dermot kennedy
> 
> **_Notes App:_ **
> 
> take me back to places i feel loved in
> 
> why can’t i feel sorry
> 
> for anything but myself
> 
> lies like cool water
> 
> like still seas
> 
> in over my head now
> 
> \------
> 
> **MARCH 26th.**
> 
> SUNDAY. 2:26 am.
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: joel called
> 
> Dina: where are you
> 
> Dina: no one has seen you since yesterday
> 
> Dina: ellie i mean it
> 
> Dina: people are worried
> 
> Dina: i’m worried
> 
> Dina: wtf ellie
> 
> Dina: this is fucked up
> 
> Dina: at least let me know you’re okay
> 
> Dina: that you’re not hurt
> 
> Dina: ELLIE.
> 
> Dina: ellie if you think i won’t come looking for you
> 
> Dina: you are fucking mistaken
> 
> Dina: so make this easier on us both
> 
> Dina: and just tell me where you are
> 
> Dina: ellie
> 
> Dina: please


	16. Responsibility

**_DINA._ **

Joel is already out in the driveway when Dina gets there. Her headlights wash over him, and he looks pale, shaken; his hair is disheveled and mussed, as if he's been wringing his hands through it. 

The air is sharp and cold as Dina climbs out of the car; her breath immediately erupts into a cloud of vapor. It's freezing, especially for late March. Even as she's walking to Joel, her thoughts run a thousand miles a minute--what if Ellie’s wrecked, and she’s stuck in a ditch on this blisteringly cold night? What if something worse has happened? She’s been doing this, disappearing at night, and no one is quite sure where she’s been going--she could be anywhere. 

Maybe she’s taken off on purpose, Dina thinks. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found. There’s a deep sense of hurt that comes with the thought--that Ellie would abandon her, would leave her behind, would leave her here in the dark. Maybe Ellie would run from Joel, from school, from the rest of their friends--but Dina had a special place, didn’t she? 

At the moment--she’s not really sure anymore.

“Dina,” Joel says, and his voice is shaking, just a little, “Y’all have any luck?”

“No,” Dina says, “But Jesse’s still calling around to the hospitals and police stations. I was kinda hoping she was already back here but--”

“No, still hasn’t come back,” Joel says and he pushes a hand through his hair again; he looks tired, and Dina can’t help but feel some sympathy for him. 

Whatever Ellie believes, whatever happened between them, it seems clear to Dina that Joel cares about her in a deeply genuine way. His distress, his pain--it’s palpable. 

“Has she talked to you?” Joel asks, “Has she said anything about what’s been going on? She won’t talk to me, so I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on in her head right now--”

“A little,” Dina says, uncertain how much she’s actually meant to know, “She, uh--she told me about David. About...well. That you kept some things from her.”

He looks stricken, and standing there in the dark, lit only be the harsh glow of the headlights, he looks older than he should. Smaller. More tired.

His shoulders sag a little. 

“Huh,” He says slowly, “She told you about David?”

“Yeah,” Dina says, “A while back, actually.”

“I didn’t think she’d ever tell  _ anyone _ about David.”

Dina gives a small, uncertain shrug.

Joel looks at Dina with a deep, intense kind of consideration, as if this information has changed something, has made him reexamine what he thought he knew. 

“You know, I didn’t wanna hurt her,” Joel says, low and quiet, “Never wanted to hurt her. I only wanted to avoid...well, this, I guess. She was just a kid, Dina--she shouldn’t have had to carry that kinda weight.”

Dina looks back at him, making considerations of her own. Trying to decide if he really is something, someone, from whom she needs to protect Ellie. Does he really have her best interests at heart? Are they aligned on this, or are they at odds?

“Yeah…” Dina says slowly, thinking, “Don’t tell Ellie, but...I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same thing, Joel.”

He looks a little relieved, seems to relax just a fraction.

“I just...I saw the chance, y’know? Had friends on the police force, in the prosecutor’s office. None of them were interested in pressing charges against a fourteen-year old defending herself from a fucking monster-- _ in one of their state facilities _ , no less. No one was gonna come for her. So why not, y’know? Why not spare her just a little bit of pain, for once in her goddamn life…”

He sighs, looks down at his scuffed boots on the pavement of the driveway.

And Dina feels pretty certain that Joel is someone she can trust in this fight--this fight to bring Ellie back from the edge.

“I think this is probably about more than just you,” Dina says, “I think there are a lot of things going on in her head--this isn’t all your fault. For whatever that’s worth, Joel.”

He sighs, gives a slow, understanding nod, but doesn’t look any more relieved or consoled by the information.

“I think I know somewhere I can go check,” Dina says, “But--you should stay here, just in case she comes back.”

“Alright,” He says gruffly, “Just...let me know if you find her. And--Dina…” He stuffs his hands into his pockets, and it’s a gesture that’s unmistakably  _ Ellie _ \--maybe they’re not blood, but maybe they might as well be, Dina decides, “...thank you. I mean it. Ellie...she needs people who care about her. Really care about her, y’know. I’m just...I’m real glad she’s found that. I’m glad she’s got you on her side.”

“Yeah,” Dina says, “She’s...kind of impossible  _ not _ to care about, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Joel says with a small, almost sad kind of smile, “Yeah, I do know. Look, if you find her, give her this, will ya?”

He pulls a heavy-looking envelope from his pocket, passes it to Dina.

“Came yesterday morning. She’s gonna wanna read that as soon as possible, I think.”

\--

**_ELLIE._ **

The lake is fucking beautiful.

The sky is lightening up, just a little at a time, real gentle and easy and calm and the water is catching it, holding onto these little glimmers of new light like fireflies caught in a closed palm and it feels good, just sitting here. Just watching. Just breathing. Just existing.

Just watching the world unfold around her.

Watching is easy. But participating? That’s hard. She can watch the world happen around her, watch her friends live their lives, but it’s too fucking hard right now to try to figure out her place, to try to actively live her life. 

Joel took her to a museum once, for her fifteenth birthday. It had been an amazing fucking day, honestly. But something she often thought about was a small blurb, written on a little plaque in front of an exhibit on space travel. It was something about space debris, how bits of a spacecraft can get dislodged, and then they just...float, aimlessly, endlessly, out in the void of space--or, sometimes, they just get burned up in the atmosphere. Never reach the Earth again. Never find the ground.

She feels like that now. Like dislodged space debris. Like she’s floating in the void, just waiting to get burned. Waiting for an end. Or a beginning. Waiting on something. She just isn’t sure  _ what  _ anymore.

She hears the car behind her, tires crunching in the dirt and gravel, but she doesn’t look up, doesn’t look back, until she hears a voice.

“Ellie?”

The sound brings her to her feet in an instant; the world moves too fast around her and she sways just a little, but she finds Dina there, coming down the path, almost running. 

She’s flooded with guilt and fear and regret and something else, something like dread, like anger--it doesn’t make sense, she’s not angry at Dina, not in the least, but it’s just  _ there _ , just a deep sense of rage that she can’t unravel.

Maybe it’s just because she knows that a fight is coming, that Dina is going to light her up, going to lecture her and try to drag her away. And it’s not that she doesn’t deserve it, but she just wants to hide a little longer, wants to stay in the safety afforded by solitude. Safety not just for herself, but for everyone else, too.

After all, she’s a fucking train wreck, isn’t she? A goddamn burning building of a person. Her friends don’t deserve the burden of her bullshit. 

“Dina,” Ellie says quietly, “Dina, I--”

But Dina strides through the low grass, over the damp silt of the bank, and doesn’t stop, doesn’t hesitate--just throws her arms around Ellie’s neck and Ellie isn’t sure what to do with that, is taken so by surprise that she just stiffens, arms held out in paralyzed uncertainty. 

“Jesus, I’m so glad you’re okay,” Dina says somewhere near her ear, and there’s so much relief there that it only makes Ellie feel that much more guilty.

Ellie doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know  _ what  _ to say. 

Dina pulls away, puts a firm hand on each of Ellie’s shoulders, as if she’s afraid to fully let go.

“Ellie--what the hell is going on? I thought...I thought maybe you’d--I don’t know. Taken off for good.”

Ellie gives an uncomfortable shrug.

“I...tried,” She says haltingly, “I couldn’t do it.”

“You  _ tried _ ?” Dina repeats, “What’s that mean?”

“I...was gonna go back to Boston,” She admits, “But...I came back. I’m a fucking coward, on top of everything else, I guess.”

“Ellie--what? You...were gonna leave us? You were gonna--you were gonna leave  _ me?”  _ There’s a furrow to her brow, confused and deeply hurt, and it strikes Ellie to the core, “Without even  _ saying _ anything?”

“I thought...I thought it’d be  _ easier _ that way,” Ellie says, “It just...made sense…”

“No,” Dina says, “No, it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense at all--Ellie, you can’t just  _ leave--” _

“I  _ can _ ,” Ellie says, defensive, “I just--I want  _ out _ \--”

“Out of  _ what _ , Ellie?”

“I don’t know-- _ everything?” _

“What’s that even  _ mean-- _ ”

“I don’t know!” Ellie says with a burst of frustration, and she pulls away from Dina, takes a shaky step back.

Dina looks surprised, uncertain--desperate, in a way. And there’s a gap here, Ellie can almost see it, a cavernous gulf between them. Something that can’t be bridged.

“Ellie,” Dina says, and there’s an unexpected tremble in her voice, “I’m trying to understand, I  _ want _ to understand, please just--just  _ help  _ me--”

“I don’t  _ need _ you to understand,” Ellie says, “I don’t need anyone to understand--”

“Ellie, you have so much here, why would you just want to leave? We’re graduating, we’re gonna go to college and have lives and--”

“Are you  _ kidding? _ ” Ellie scoffs, “I’m not going to college. I couldn’t go to college if I wanted. Cat was right, y’know? I’m a fuck up, Dina--that’s all I know how to do. It was stupid, thinking  _ I  _ could be normal, do normal shit--who the fuck was I trying to fool, y’know?”

“That’s not true,” Dina says quietly, “You know that’s not true. You’re not a fuck up.”

“I  _ am, _ ” Ellie says, throws her hands up, “Look at me. This is what I do, Dina. This is who I am.” 

Ellie’s surprised to find that saying it out loud is hard, that voicing these thoughts, the ones that won’t quit playing on repeat in her head--it’s like confessing a secret she didn’t know she’d been keeping. And it’s even harder, saying it straight to Dina. Of anyone in the world, she wants Dina to see only the best in her. She wants Dina to see value in her. She wants Dina to love her.

But it’s hard, at this second, to believe there is a  _ best _ in her. To believe there’s a  _ value _ . To believe there’s anything in her that could be good for anybody else.

And maybe it really is better this way, better to leave quietly before anyone asks her to prove it. Before anyone asks anything more of her, anything big. Better to give up trying than to fail, right? Better to remove herself, than to risk taking other people down with her.

Better to suspect she’s a fundamentally broken bit of space debris, than to have it  _ proven  _ to her, later on down the line.

Dina is shaking her head, slowly, sadly, but with a firm defiance. 

“ _ Yes, _ Dina,” Ellie insists again, “I’m a fucking-- _ disaster.  _ And I always will be. It’s only a matter of time-- _ every  _ time. I thought...I thought it was different with Joel, I thought...I thought I’d picked well, y’know?” Her voice breaks, and she doesn’t understand it, doesn’t understand why she’s crying, but she is, “I thought... _ here’s someone who thinks I’m worth something _ . But it’s just more of the same thing, y’know? Someone else trying to-- _ fix me _ . Make me better. More acceptable. What the fuck is wrong with me, Dina? What’s so wrong with me that I can’t just be--fucking  _ normal _ and--goddammit…”

She stops because she hates it, hates that she’s crying over this, that she can’t stop, that she can’t get a hold of this feeling that’s filling up her whole chest until she can’t breathe.

Dina takes a step forward--and then she’s hugging Ellie again, arms around her neck, and this time it’s surprising for entirely different reasons. At first Ellie tenses up again--but there’s such a warmth, a sincerity, that--at least for this moment--the rage and self-loathing eases in Ellie. Becomes quieter. The cacophony in her head, the swelling panic in her chest, it lets up. Lets go.

She folds her arms around Dina, leans into the girl’s shoulder, heavy and undone. 

“I’m tired, Dina,” Ellie confesses in a small voice, “I’m so  _ tired.” _

“I know,” Dina says, and when her arms tighten around Ellie, there’s the sense that she understands what Ellie means--and that understanding gives Ellie a deep, abiding sense of relief that she can’t fully put into words.

“I know you’re tired,” Dina says, voice hardly loud enough to be heard, “But you’re also  _ good _ , Ellie. So good. And I need you to promise you’re never gonna leave me--not like that.”

There’s a fearful waver to her voice that makes Ellie hold her a little tighter. And there’s a moment where Ellie realizes there’s a responsibility here that she hasn’t been fulfilling. 

Dina has always been almost larger than life in Ellie’s mind. Someone so vibrant and competent and at ease with the world around her that it seemed fucking ludicrous that any of Ellie’s actions could have an effect on her one way or the other. They’ve always been close--maybe  _ more _ than close at times--but somehow it’s never coalesced in Ellie’s head, the idea that she might have some significant place in Dina’s life, in her wellbeing.

It never occurred to Ellie that she could  _ hurt _ Dina. Not really. Not like this.

“I promise,” Ellie says softly, “I’m sorry, Dina.”

“Don’t be  _ sorry _ ,” Dina says, and she pulls akback, takes Ellie’s face in her hands, “Just be  _ here. _ That’s all I’m asking. Everything else--we can figure out.”

Ellie searches Dina’s eyes, finds them flashing bronze in the new light of the morning and she can’t find any reason not to trust them, not to trust the sincerity there.

She nods.

“Listen,” Dina says, and she reaches into her back pocket, pulls out an envelope, hands it out for Ellie to take, “Joel said this came for you.”

Ellie takes the envelope. It’s heavy, official-looking. Stamped with the insignia of the art school to which she’d applied.

“I can’t open this…” Ellie says, shakes her head, “I can’t, Dina--”

Dina takes the envelope back, tears it open, tugs out the sheet of paper inside.

A surge of anxiety washes through Ellie as she watches Dina’s eyes search the page--and then the anxiety quickly subsides. She didn’t get in, and that’s really better, isn’t it? She knows she didn’t get in--there’s no way she could have made that cut, that she could be accepted into a prestigious art program--that kind of thing was for other people. Better people.

“Do you wanna know?” Dina asks, lifting her eyes back to Ellie.

Ellie hesitates. Nods.

A smirk pulls at Dina’s lips.

“You got in, dummy.”

“What?” Ellie asks, dumbfounded.

“You got in!”

“OH SHIT,” Ellie laughs, takes the paper as Dina offers it back to her, “OH SHIT I GOT IN.”

“You’re going to art school!”

“I’m going to fucking art school!”

Dina hugs her again, and it’s funny how a moment could change, how it could go from feeling like the lowest point she’s ever known--to the kind of thing that’s so good, so alive and real and meaningful, that it might as well be absolutely perfect.


	17. Second Fiddle

**_ELLIE_ **.

It’s been a while.

A year, actually. 

Well, almost a year now. 

It feels like it’s been a lifetime though, a lifetime since she’s been home, since she’s seen these people, been in these places. She thought _nineteen_ was too young for anyone to get married, but the invitation for Ben and Anna’s wedding had arrived via social media, and the dates lined up with her spring break--so why not? Why not make the drive home from school and support her dumb, very-much-too-in-love friends.

But it’s funny, Ellie thinks, how some things change, while others stay the same.

Like, for instance, how Dina is always _Dina._

She’s easy to spot across the open space of the barn, with its lofty, raftered ceilings and gentle strands of lights; she’s dancing with someone Ellie doesn’t recognize, laughing in that open, unburdened way of hers, as if she’s never had a moment of worry or self-doubt in her life. Ellie knows that isn’t true, but that only makes it all the more admirable, that she can make it seem so real, that she can enjoy a moment so sincerely that you might believe she’s the luckiest, happiest, most _alive_ person in the world.

It’s not like they haven’t seen each other. Dina has come to visit her more than once--had spent the whole weekend in Ellie’s dorm following her breakup with Jesse, even. It wasn’t like they’d grown apart, like Ellie had somehow _forgotten_ the way Dina could make her feel.

But Dina’s lit up by those warm string lights now, and they’re gleaming like honeyed gold against the dark waves of her hair, and it only makes her smile seem easier, more radiant. Only makes it more clear than ever that whatever time passes, Dina will always have this gravity, this pull that draws people in like lonely, obedient moons. 

At least Jesse’s here. And for the time being, Jesse understands some of her pain. For once, they’re in the same boat--both stuck watching Dina from the sidelines.

“You know Joel’s here somewhere, right?” Jesse says at her side, lifting a strong-smelling cup to take a drink, “Ben works for him now, in the contracting company--gotta invite the boss to your wedding, I guess.”

“Oh,” Ellie says, and a drop of dread hits her stomach; she hasn’t seen Joel yet since she’s been back--although he must know that she’s back, because she’s been staying out in her old place, just behind his house. 

“Yeah. I ran into him a little while ago. He had like a thousand questions about you. Just a head’s up.”

“Gotcha,” Ellie says, but her eyes are following Dina, and her brain can’t hold on to any thoughts about Joel while she’s watching Dina. Her brain can’t hold on to any thoughts at all.

“She’s really putting on a show, huh?” Jesse says, following Ellie’s gaze.

Ellie laughs, looks sidelong at him. 

“Yeah, well...you guys’ll be back together in two weeks, tops.”

She takes a drink from her cup; the liquid inside is warm and harsh and sweet all at once. She doesn’t really wanna think about it, about Dina and Jesse getting back together--because they _will_ , obviously, but she’d rather pretend, for a minute, that maybe they won’t. 

Which makes her feel incredibly guilty. They’re both her friends, her best friends in the world--she shouldn’t be wishing _against_ them, should she? But it’s hard, when she’s watching Dina, to not be selfish. Just here, in her own head--surely that’s allowed, isn’t it? She’s only human. And what human could know Dina and not love her?

Because that’s the crux of the issue, really, and it’s only just now hitting Ellie--the full weight of it. Maybe it’s the distance, or the time they’ve spent apart, affording her a new perspective, but it’s falling over her, both too fast and too slow--the realization that she’s been deeply, irrevocably in love with Dina for as long as she can remember now. 

Not a _crush._ Not a fleeting infatuation or an evanescent attraction. There’s something between them that supersedes all of that, and Ellie doesn’t know what else to call it, doesn’t know what name to give to this thing that’s heavier, denser, more real than all those things combined.

Doesn’t know what else to call it except _love._

Of course, _love_ comes in many shades, doesn’t it? Of course it does. Ellie knows what she means when she thinks it, right here, right now, standing next to Jesse--she’s i _n love_ with Dina, and there’s a freedom to admitting it, even just in her own thoughts. 

And she feels pretty certain that Dina loves her. But is it the same? Does Dina _love_ her--or is she _in love_ with her?

That’s the million dollar question, she supposes. The one she isn’t sure she can ask. Isn’t sure she knows _how_ to ask. Their bond isn’t fragile, but what if _asking_ puts stress on it, fractures it--what if she reaches for more and ends up with less? 

That would fucking suck. 

Maybe it’s better to play second fiddle than to get kicked out of the band altogether, right?

Second fiddle isn’t all that bad of a spot to be in, after all. It isn’t ideal, sure, but as Ellie watches Dina allowing herself to be dramatically dipped back on the dance floor, she laughs to herself and has to admit--at least the view is nice.

“Not gonna happen,” Jesse says, too quick, not quite achieving the cavalierness he was going for, “Why, did she say something to you?”

Ellie scoffs, rolls her eyes, “Give it _one_ week.”

And she hates, _hates_ that she knows, without a doubt, that she’s right. 

She can _pretend_ for as many moments as she wants, but that isn’t going to change the truth of the situation.

“ _Ellie.”_

The song is over and Dina is making her way through the crowd toward them at the bar.

“What took you so long?” She asks, sweeps Ellie’s drink from her hand; Ellie gives it up without a fight, as if this was choreographed, as if it makes perfect sense, because really--it does. This is just _Dina._

“Got here as fast as I could,” Ellie says, “It’s a long drive.”

Dina downs the rest of Ellie’s drink, puts the empty cup back on the bar.

“ _Dina_ ,” Jesse says pointedly, maybe a little upset that he hasn’t been acknowledged yet.

“ _Jesse,”_ Dina responds with some small amount of tension as she seizes Ellie by the wrist and drags her away, “C’mon, Ellie.”

Dina pulls her out onto the dance floor, less crowded now that the song is something slower, something clearly intended for a more intimate kind of dancing. Ellie’s stomach begins to twist into knots. She tenses up, feels the _awkward_ begin to take hold of all her limbs.

But it’s okay, once Dina eases in against her, pulls Ellie’s hands in around her waist with gentle but evident impatience for all of Ellie’s hesitations. It’s a language spoken in gestures, a message of _just go with it, Ellie, and ask questions later._

So Ellie does just that. 

“You’re doing something different with your hair, huh?” Dina asks in a low voice.

“I guess--it’s just tied back,” Ellie says with a small, skeptical kind of laugh.

“I like it,” Dina says approvingly.

“Good,” Ellie says, and there’s something new here, something different--Ellie doesn’t know what it is, but it’s a kind of magnetism she can’t pull away from, can’t reject or deny. 

And for once, for the first time, it doesn’t feel one-sided. Doesn’t feel like one of them is missing the mark--too high or too low, missing each other like ships in the night. For the first time, it feels like they’re both exactly where they’re supposed to be, at exactly the right time.

Maybe it’s more than that. Maybe, at last, they’re both exactly _who_ they’re supposed to be, too.

“I have a serious question for you,” Dina says, leaning closer to Ellie, “How bad do I smell right now?”

Ellie laughs, leans in, sniffs. 

She doesn’t smell bad. There’s sweat there, sure, from dancing in the crowded barn being used as a reception hall; but mostly she smells like her same old familiar brand of laundry detergent, and the same clean, simple perfume she’s worn for years, and something else that’s just distinctly _Dina_ , something to which she couldn’t put a name, but which she knew and could have recognized even if she’d been blindfolded.

“Um…” Ellie says, leaning back; she pulls a look of deep distaste, “Like hot garbage.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dina laughs, and immediately leans in, presses her damp cheek to Ellie’s, as if to share the _hot garbage._

“ _Gross,”_ Ellie laughs, but she doesn’t make much of an attempt to get away, either.

“Now we _both_ smell like hot garbage,” Dina says somewhere near her ear and her voice is lower than before.

“You still smell _more_ like hot garbage,” Ellie tells her, barely a whisper.

She feels Dina’s laugh more than hears it; and then Dina relaxes in against her, lays her head against Ellie’s shoulder, and this part is unexpected and new. This isn’t like it’s been before--the pretexts are slipping away, the euphemisms coming undone. Dina is recklessly closing the careful distances she normally keeps and Ellie isn’t sure what to make of it, what to do with it.

Maybe Dina has just had too much to drink. Maybe her breakup with Jesse is hitting her harder than she’s letting on, and she just needs someone to be close to for the moment. Maybe she just needs her trusty second fiddle right now.

And that’s fine, Ellie decides. She’s fine with being second fiddle, if it means she gets to stay like this, if she gets to hold Dina a little closer than usual, if she gets to feel like it’s a little more real, just for a little while. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” Dina says, hushed, and Ellie can feel the words against her neck, close and quiet and calm. It hasn't even been that long since the last time they saw each other, two or three weeks maybe, but Ellie can feel it, that Dina means more than that. That when she says _miss_ , she means something that doesn't really have words.

She knows it because she's felt it, too. This deep, abiding _vacancy_ left by Dina's absence, by the distance between them.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Ellie says, and it feels like a weight has come off her shoulders; saying it out loud gives her a kind of weightlessness, an anxiety-ridden euphoria, a chemical car crash of equal parts terror and liberation inside her brain. 

Dina doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to; she simply pulls Ellie in a little closer. And it’s not just that they’ve really been quite this close before--it’s more than that. There’s a vulnerability in Dina that Ellie hasn’t seen before, an openness, an honesty. Dina is never inauthentic, but this is just--different, somehow.

Ellie allows herself to glance up, finds Jesse watching from across the room. And not just Jesse--but a half a dozen other pairs of eyes, curious and intrusive and demanding, even from a distance. 

Even when she’s minding her own business, Dina continues to draw people in to her, whether she means to or not.

“They’re all staring at you, you know,” Ellie says.

“How do you know they’re not staring at _you?_ ” Dina asks.

Ellie gives a short, skeptical laugh.

“Maybe they’re _jealous_ ,” Dina offers, “Jealous of _you._ ”

Ellie makes a small noise of disagreement.

“I’m just a girl,” She says, “I’m not a threat.”

Just a girl. Just a second fiddle, at best.

Dina pulls away, catches Ellie’s eyes with her own, and that magnetism locks Ellie in, so that she couldn’t look away even if she wanted. Lucky then, that she most certainly doesn’t want to look away, not for anything.

Dina reaches up, pushes a stray lock of hair from Ellie’s eyes.

“Oh, _Ellie_ ,” Dina says quietly, “They should be _terrified_ of you.”

Dina leans in, finds Ellie’s lips with hers, and just like that, Ellie knows, without a doubt, that nothing will ever be the same.


	18. King

**_ELLIE._ **

When Ellie guides her truck into the driveway, Joel is on the back porch.

He's always on the back porch, drinking a coffee, pretending not to see her as she leaves the little garage apartment, pretending he hasn't been waiting up when she comes home. She wonders if he's kept up the routine while she's been away. Wonders if he's been stuck in this pattern, even while she's been learning to live a new life, away at college, a life all her own.

She sits in the truck for a long minute, enveloped by the silence, and her blood is still pounding in her ears, still beating out a rhythm of rage and, if she's honest,  _ fear.  _

Because it's fine to know, on an intellectual level, that homophibia comes from a place of deep, dark ignorance, that it has no substance, that it's just fucking stupid--and, yet, there's still something quietly terrifying about getting the word  _ dyke  _ thrown at you in a public place. Because that’s what had happened. Dina had kissed her, and it had been--something that defied words entirely. And then there was fucking  _ Seth _ , stepping out to bitch about how this was a  _ family affair.  _ And when they hadn’t seemed properly ashamed, he’d pulled out that word, like a secret weapon, a hidden dagger:  _ dyke. _

It's not the word itself, but the implicit threat of violence behind it. Once the word is out, the slur slung, it hangs there on a precipice, teetering at an edge, ready to tip into escalation, into physical action.

Or maybe it's the word itself, too. At least a little. Because it's been easy to pretend people here aren't thinking it, aren't holding it in their heads when they see her, whispering it behind her back--like knives being sharpened, just in case she turns dangerous and needs to be put down, needs to be put in her place.

But the illusion of acceptance has been shattered, because Seth finally did it, finally drew the dagger and tried to lay her low with it.  _ Dyke. _

Fuck him, though. Does he really think  _ dyke _ is the blade that's gonna cut her open? Does he really think  _ dyke  _ is the wound that's gonna leave her crippled, humbled, ready to carve herself down into a more acceptable shape for him? For them all?

No, fuck that.  _ Dyke  _ is a fucking  _ crown  _ and she's gonna wear it like one. She'll be the fucking  _ King of the Dykes _ , and what can Seth say then, when all his daggers, when all the venomous  _ dykes  _ he can throw at her, just become more glorious goddamn jewels in her  _ dyke _ crown?

Fuck Seth. He’s  _ nothing.  _

But Joel. Joel’s a different story. Running out to immediately defend her against Seth, despite the fact that she hasn’t properly spoken to him in...god, a long fucking time. And her response had been to yell at  _ Joel _ . 

Even  _ she  _ didn’t fully understand it, didn’t understand how that mixture of anger and guilt and fear had caused her to lash out at him like that.

When she climbs out of the truck, she still doesn't know what she's gonna say to him. Just that she has to say  _ something.  _ The first real  _ something  _ she's said to him in a long time now. 

The stairs creak as she climbs them to the porch and she makes a mental note--she can fix that. It needs fixed and she can do it--she'll fix it for him, before she leaves to go back to school at the end of the week.

The evening is night is cool and comfortable and it’s good porch-sitting weather. They used to sit out here together, back in the early days. She learned to play her guitar right here, on this porch. In this chair, here beside Joel. She thinks of him patiently strumming a  _ g chord _ again and again so she could hear it, could get her fingers planted properly over the strings of her own guitar.

That seems like a fucking lifetime ago now.

"Hey," He says too quickly when he sees her; he's nervous and his hair is too long, his shoulders too heavy.

For the first time, he looks  _ old _ to Ellie. Maybe it's been that way for a long time, but she's just never been able to see it. She’s always called him an  _ old man _ , but in her mind he’s old the same way the  _ mountains  _ are old. Old, but ageless. Immovable. Infallible. Unyielding, even to the movements of time itself. 

He's always been old, but he's never been  _ old.  _ Until now.

And she really fucking hates it, in a way she can't explain, to which she can't put words. 

"Hey," She says, leans back against the rail of the porch.

"You, uh--"

"Look, Joel," She interrupts, "I just...I'm sorry. About earlier. I shouldn't have jumped at you. I just--I can take care of myself now, you know?"

He sits back, looks down in that thoughtful, quiet way of his. He nods slowly.

"Yeah, I know," He says, "I shouldn't have got in your business. I'm sorry.”

She folds her arms over her chest, feels him watching her expectantly but she doesn’t totally know what to say, so she gives an awkward, accepting shrug.

“How, uh...how’s school going?” He asks after a moment of silence.

“It’s...fine,” She says evasively.

“You doing the, y’know...the art?”

She sighs with equal measures of annoyance and amusement.

“Yeah,” She says, trying not to smile, because she’s still mad, she really is, “Yeah, I’m doing the art.”

“Like...painting? Drawing?” He pushes just a little further.

She gives a small grin.

“ _ Sculpture _ ,” She says, “I...I actually do stuff with metal. They have a whole  _ foundry _ , Joel. It’s amazing. I  _ weld _ shit together. It’s great.”

“Lord help us,” He says with a short laugh, but there’s a smile behind his neat, full beard, and it looks suspiciously like pride, so much that it hurts Ellie, “They’re letting  _ you  _ near welding equipment? Good God.”

“And a plasma cutter,” Ellie says, “It’s fucking intense, but I...I really like it.”

He nods, leans back in his chair.

“Good,” He says, “I’m...I’m really glad to hear that, Ellie.”

“I...I--well,” She hesitates, looks down at her worn, faded sneakers, “I actually have something that got into a show.”

“A show?” He repeats.

“An art show,” Ellie clarifies, “It’s like a…just a thing they do for the freshmen. It’s...kind of dumb. It’s not a big deal. But...I mean…” She grinds the toe of her shoe into the wood planks uncomfortably, mumbles the rest out, “I’m the only one who got all three of my entries accepted, so…”

“What?” Joel gives an excited little laugh, “That’s goddamn impressive--ah, man, Ellie. Wow. I’m…” He sighs, leans forward on his elbows, won’t stop smiling up at her like an idiot, “I’m really proud of you. I am. For whatever that’s worth.”

It’s worth more than she can tell him right now.

“You could...like...you could come, you know,” She says, “To the, like--to the opening of the show. It’s kind of stuffy and boring but--you could come. If you want.”

He looks shocked, furrows his brow.

“You wouldn’t...be embarrassed, having an old man at your highfalutin art party?”

“Like...maybe you could try to be, y’know...less  _ old _ for a night or something…” She says with a subdued laugh.

“I can give it my best shot. Maybe I can, y’know--wear a baseball hat backwards or--”

“ _ Don’t--” _

_ “ _ Sideways, maybe--?”

“ _ JOEL.” _

The both start to laugh and it feels...right. She’s missed this more than she knows how to say, more than she’s been able to admit even to herself.

In the silence that follows, she wraps her arms a little tighter around herself, gets quiet.

“Tommy told me, y’know…” She says, and she glances up from her shoes at him, only for a second.

“Told ya what?” He asks flatly.

“The work accident wasn’t a work accident, was it, Joel?” She asks in a hushed voice.

“What are you talking about?”

“Joel-- _ don’t _ ,” She says, “Don’t treat me like I’m still just a dumb kid--I’m not. Tommy told me, okay? When you were in the hospital, when I got sent to that fucking hellhole group home back in Texas--it wasn’t just a  _ work accident _ .”

He folds his hands together, looks down at them; the fringe of his shaggy hair hides his face for a long moment, and she waits to see what he’s going to do, because if he tries to lie again, if he tries one second of dishonesty, she’s getting in her truck and she’s going back to her dorm and she’s never coming back to this house again. 

“How much did he tell you?” Joel asks in a low, gruff tone.

“Enough,” Ellie says, “Told me you went of the rails after Sarah. That you and him got involved in some kinda smuggling business with, like, a fucking border gang or whatever. You were a fucking  _ criminal _ when Marlene sent me to you.”

He sighs, seems to sink a little further in on himself.

“Is it true or not, Joel?” She prompts him sharply when he doesn’t immediately respond.

“Yeah,” He says, “Yeah. It’s...it’s true, Ellie. I’ve done--a lot of bad things. I ain’t...I ain’t ever claimed to be a good man, Ellie. I really haven’t.”

She looks away, scuffs her shoe against the floor of the porch again.

“He also said...he said they busted you up, put you in the hospital, because you were trying to leave.”

He nods, slow and thoughtful.

“Yeah,” He says, “I was thinking about it. Then, y’know...then I came back for you at that fuckin’ place and...found you covered in blood, barely able to breathe, scared outta your mind…”

She hugs herself a little tighter, as if that will block out the memory he’s conjuring, protect her against the emotions buried there in that graveyard.

“I know you’re still mad at me, Ellie, over keeping the truth from you. But...I’d do it again.”

She scoffs with disbelief and annoyance.

“I mean it,” He says, “Ellie, I woke up all bandaged and beaten to hell and you were the first thing I thought about. I don’t know when it happened, but by the time I got to you--there weren’t no going back, y’know? you were...you were my  _ daughter.” _

She looks up at him, finds him studying her with a steady kind of warmth.

“Now  _ that _ \--that I can apologize for. I’m sorry it had to be me, I’m sorry I’m the one you got stuck with, but it don’t change it--you were my daughter, and that meant...that meant doing  _ anything _ to protect you. Anything to...to  _ shield  _ you from the terrible shit in this world. So I just...did what I had to. Packed us up. Moved to the goddamn Wyoming mountains to get us away from all of it."

She listens, thinks hard on what he's saying. Tries to imagine Joel as a younger man, assailed by grief over Sarah, lost to aimless rage and self-destruction. 

That's not the Joel she knows. 

Somewhere, somehow, he changed.

For her.

He sighs again.

“Someday maybe you’re gonna have a kid of your own and...maybe it’ll make sense then. Maybe then you’ll...I don’t know. Be able to forgive me.”

“I’d…” She hesitates, lets her arms unfold, pushes them into her pockets instead, “I’d like that. I mean--the part about...forgiving you. I’m...I’m trying, Joel. Maybe...maybe we can--maybe we can work on it. I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” He says, “Yeah, I’d...yeah, I want to do that, Ellie.”

“So...come to the art show next week,” She says, “You can ride up with Dina, if you want.”

“Absolutely,” He says, grins behind his beard, “So is...is Dina your...are your guys…?”

Ellie smiles in spite of herself, but she shrugs.

“I don’t know. Seth kinda...fucked up the moment. It was...probably just Dina being Dina but…I don’t know, honestly.”

“I ain’t gonna pretend like I understand all the ins and outs of the...y’know... _ young person drama, _ ” He says, and Ellie rolls her eyes--he’s really playing up the  _ old man _ angle now, “But...I know Dina would be lucky to have you. I’ve seen the way you look at her, kid, I know you think it’s the other way around, but... _ anybody’d  _ be lucky to have you in their life. Don’t forget it.”

She sighs, rolls her eyes again, won’t admit that this reassurance--it really does help, in some way.

“Thanks, old man,” She says with some skepticism, “I was thinking, y’know--I gotta go back on Sunday, but...maybe we could have a movie night tomorrow?”

Joel smiles, nods.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”


	19. I Do Want

_**DINA.** _

She has a whole speech rehearsed, and she keeps going over it again and again in her head on the drive to Joel’s house. She tried to let it go, the events that took place earlier this evening, but she can't. There are things that she needs to say. Things she should have said a long time ago.

But when she gets there, climbs out of the car and into the cool evening air--she’s disarmed by the sound of music.

Ellie and Joel had been fighting only a few hours before, following the confrontation with Seth, but now--Dina rounds the back of the house and there they are, bathed in the warm, orange porch light, sitting across from each other. Ellie’s voice, light and fragile, weaves through the tune Joel’s playing on the guitar and the sound is something special, something easy and full and specific, something only the two of them together could produce. Dina hangs back, listens and watches them there, enclosed in their own protected world for the moment. 

She feels a certain relief, seeing them together like this again. There’s something good in knowing that bridges can be unburned, that gaps can be closed, wounds can be healed. Even if it’s little by little, just one song at a time--it can be done.

And Ellie’s never said it, but Dina knows how much she cares about Joel. Knows how much Joel means to her. Whenever Ellie talks about good moments in her life, whenever she recalls happy memories, _Joel_ is always there, in one way or another. 

Ellie needs Joel in her life, whether she’ll ever admit it or not.

Dina thinks about turning around, about leaving, rather than interrupting their moment. But Joel looks up, sees her lingering at the edge of the driveway. It only takes Ellie a second to turn and follow his gaze.

“Dina,” Ellie says, gets to her feet instantly, “ _Hey…_ ”

“Hey,” Dina says, and her voice feels small, “I didn’t--I’m sorry--”

“No, no--it’s fine,” Ellie says, “I was--just leaving, honestly.”

Joel stands up as Ellie starts down the stairs. He holds the guitar by the bridge in one hand, lifts the other to give them a short wave, and Dina can see a small smile pulling at his mouth.

“You kids behave, y’hear?” He says.

Ellie rolls her eyes, but she smiles when she does it, and even that small exchange is profoundly different, lighter, than anything Dina’s seen between them in ages.

Joel takes the guitar inside, pulls the door closed behind him, and then it’s just Ellie and Dina standing there in the dark, lit only by the cast off light from the porch.

“I’m, uh--I’m sorry about taking off,” Ellie says.

“Oh--no, it’s fine, I just...I kept thinking about it and…” Dina hesitates, folds her arms around herself, “I just felt like I needed to come by and just say, y’know. That I feel bad."

“Why?” Ellie asks, almost a challenge, “Like--why do you feel bad?” 

The question is loaded, Dina can tell. What part _does_ Dina feel badly about?

“I just--y’know. I shouldn’t have done that in front of all those people. I wasn’t really thinking very clearly.”

“Oh,” Ellie says, looks down in that very _Ellie_ way, “Yeah. Sure.”

“I just--I didn’t mean to get Seth worked up. Didn’t mean for you to fight with Joel.”

“Yeah, no, I get it,” Ellie says, gives a small shrug.

“I’m sorry, Ellie--” 

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Ellie says, “We were drinking. It was a party. You got carried away. It happens. I get it.”

“Stop saying you _get it_ ,” Dina says, frustrated, “Because I feel like you really _don’t_ get it--”

“What--?”

“Ellie, I’m not--I’m not _sorry_ I kissed you,” Dina says, and feels like the ground might give out from underneath her but she forges ahead because it’s time--time for this to be said out loud, “I’m not. I’ve wanted to do that for...a really long time.”

Ellie stares at her, and she’s backlit by the warmth of the light on the porch; it gleams against the red in her hair, gives her the faintest kind of halo. There’s something like a skeptical furrow to her brow, a small grin gathering at her lips.

Ellie gives a little, quiet laugh, something that sounds at least a little pleased with herself.

“Yeah?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Dina confirms, and she already regrets giving Ellie this information, because it’s definitely going to become an often-used bragging point going forward--but that’s okay, “A really, really long time.”

“So...like…” Ellie says, hands at her hips, and she does that thing--that thing where her eyes rake the ground momentarily before lifting back up to Dina; does Ellie know just what that does to her, every single time? How it makes her feel like she’s missed a step on the stairs? “You mean you...y’know. Like me? _Like_ like me?”

“Oh my god,” Dina sighs, “Are we twelve? Yes, I _like_ like you. I really _like_ like you.”

“And you’ve wanted to, like--you’ve wanted to kiss me? For a long time?”

She’s definitely looking too pleased with herself, with that lopsided grin and that knowing tilt of her head and as Ellie takes the smallest half-step closer, Dina can’t decide if she’s annoyed or just somehow even more in love with her than before.

“Yeah, dummy,” Dina says, trying not to laugh, “Yeah, I have.”

“Crazy,” Ellie says, “So how was it? Like--scale of one to ten?”

Dina pulls a face of deep consideration, lets it slide into an expression of middling satisfaction.

“Six,” She says, “Generously.”

“ _Six?_ ” Ellie repeats with indignation, “Wow. Just... _wow,_ Dina--”

“Well, all of the fighting kind of hurt the overall score--”

“I can’t control all of that--you can’t factor that into my score--”

“I don’t make the rules, pal. Better luck next time.”

“Oh--so I get a _next time_?”

“Maybe if you, y’know...play your cards right.”

Ellie’s close enough now that Dina could touch her, could reach out and grab the edge of her overshirt, if she wanted. She could pull Ellie in, keep her close.

“So you’ve just been, what--dying to kiss me, all this time?” Ellie asks, not even trying to hide the smugness now.

“Don’t act like you haven’t wanted to kiss me, too,” Dina tells her.

“Oh, no, I’ve wanted to kiss you for a _really_ long time,” Ellie confesses, “Like... _forever_ , I think. I mean...I kinda wanna kiss you _now._ ”

“Now?” Dina repeats, leaning in a little closer.

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “Now.”

“Like-- _right now?”_ Dina goes on, lips already nearly touching Ellie’s, “Or do you want me to wait or--”

Ellie interrupts Dina’s teasing, covers the remaining distance herself this time, and it’s funny because despite the tension, the charged energy between them--it’s the same as it had been earlier tonight, when they were dancing.

Because all the books and movies and TV shows, they all say that a moment like that--it should be _magic._ It should make your brain burst into a rushing stream of thoughts and feelings, memories and rationalizations and revelations. 

Your heart should race and your stomach should be in knots and you should feel weightless. 

But kissing Ellie, it’s not like that at all.

No, kissing Ellie doesn’t dissolve her into a breathless tangle of nerves. Instead, it makes her feel instantly calm. Instantly at peace with the entire fucking world.

Kissing Ellie is the first real rays of sun on your face after one of those long, endless goddamn winters. It’s pulling on your favorite sweater, a little long in the sleeves, and feeling instantly impervious to all the negativities of the world. It’s your first long, good laugh after a deep sadness, the kinda laugh that brings you back, when you weren’t sure you _could_ come back.

It’s your favorite spot on the couch, it’s your best, most broken-in pair of boots; it’s coming home and not even having to knock. It’s just knowing that someone who loves you is waiting, right there in the next room.

It’s everything that’s ever said: _you’re safe now--take a rest. I’ve got you._

And maybe that should be surprising, but somehow it isn’t. Some part of her knows that Ellie has been _home_ for her, in every way that matters, for a really long time. And this--this is just her finally opening the door.

Ellie pulls away, hands still tangled in the hem of Dina’s shirt.

“What are we doing?” Ellie asks, and she’s more serious now, her voice just a quiet, rough whisper, “What is this, Dina?”

“What do you want it to be?” Dina asks, and she reaches up to touch Ellie’s face, trace the line of her cheek with her thumb--the way she’s always wanted.

“I want _you_ , Dina,” Ellie says, tilts her forehead in against Dina’s, “I want it to be _real.”_

“I want it to be real, too, Ellie,” Dina promises, “Like... _introduce me to your dumb art friends as your girlfriend_ kind of real.”

Ellie gives a small laugh.

“Especially that one girl, you know, with the lip ring? I really want it to be clear to her that, y’know, that we’re--”

“Dating?” Ellie supplies helpfully, “Are we dating?”

“Are we? I think we are. If, you know...if you want.”

“I do,” Ellie says, and she leans in, kisses Dina again, adds, “I do want.”


	20. Finally

_**ELLIE**_.

Ellie has decided that there's something deeply, profoundly, spiritually calming about watching Dina sleep.

Maybe it's just because she's finally-- _finally--_ allowed to do it. Finally allowed to look at Dina this way without having to feel guilty about it. Finally allowed to be here beside her, in a room full of this thin, fragile early-morning light; allowed to wake up slow and easy and find Dina folded in against her like this, nearly on top of her--Dina's cheek is warm against her shoulder, and she can feel the deep, slow rhythm of Dina's breathing as close and even and calm as if it were her own.

Dina's thrown one of her arms across Ellie's middle sometime in the night and Ellie always suspected it would be like this, always imagined it just this way, but it's still a wonder, still quietly amazing, how they fit together like this. Just right, just perfectly, without even really trying.

"'Morning," Dina says unexpectedly; her voice is still heavy with sleep and she makes no attempt to move or disrupt their easy entanglement. 

" _Morning,"_ Ellie replies, and she lifts a hand to touch the dark waves of Dina's hair--gently, carefully, with a kind of reverence usually reserved for only the most sacred of things.

But if _this_ isn't sacred, isn't holy, in it's own way--then what really is? In her mind, in these moments, every inch of Dina is consecrated--something to be revered and wondered at and profoundly _loved_ , to the best of her ability. 

"Did you get some sleep?" Dina asks, and Ellie can't quite see her face with the way she's tucked so close under Ellie's chin, but Ellie can feel the way her mouth is hardly moving, knows she probably hasn't even opened her eyes. No one has any business being this fucking adorable first thing in the morning, honestly.

"A little," Ellie says, more focused on the feeling of Dina's hair under her fingers, on the way it's spilling over the curve of her bare shoulder--it was longer than Ellie knew, once she'd let it down.

"Didn't you say you had something to do with Joel today?" Dina asks.

"Yeah," Ellie says absently, "Later."

Dina shifts, turns her face a little further into Ellie, as if _close_ still isn't _close enough._

"Ellie," She says quietly, "I really like this."

"Yeah?" Ellie says, "I really like this, too."

"So you still wanna date me, huh? Haven't changed your mind?"

"Well, there was a moment, after about the fourth time you kicked all the covers to the end of the bed, but--no, I haven't changed my mind."

"Yeah, well, you talk in your sleep, so--I'd say we're even on _annoying sleeping habits."_

"I don't talk in my sleep," Ellie says confidently.

"You do," Dina says, "You always have."

"I _don't--"_

Ellie's protest is interrupted by a gentle, tentative knock at the door.

"Ellie?" Joel says hesitantly, "Uh...I need to get to work and...well...Dina's car is blocking me in."

" _Busted,"_ Dina laughs quietly against Ellie's shoulder.

"Uh--hold on, Joel, we'll move it--" Ellie calls to him.

"I need to get home anyway," Dina says, pulling away reluctantly, "My mom is probably losing her mind--"

"No, no, no," Ellie pulls her back in, so she can see her face this time, "I'll go move it, just stay here--"

"Ellie," Dina gives a small laugh, "I'll come back--"

Ellie interrupts by pressing a kiss to her lips, slow and urgent all at once, and there's satisfaction in the way Dina melts into her again, the way she instantly gives up on this _leaving_ idea. In the way she can't seem to resist Ellie. It's addictive, Ellie's finding-‐being _wanted._

"Okay," Dina says after an extended moment, at least a little breathless,"You're making...really good points here. Maybe I can stay--"

"Good," Ellie says, and she pulls away, quickly scrambling for her clothes from last night, discarded in the floor, "Just wait right here, I'll be right back--where are your keys--?"

"Probably still in my jeans--" Dina says, trying not to laugh as Ellie pulls her shirt on inside-out.

Ellie finds Dina's jeans in the floor, rummages in the pocket, pulls them out with a jingling clatter.

"I mean it," Ellie says, "Don't move, I'll be right back, like... _right back--"_

"--Ellie," Joel knocks again, "Save the romantics, kid, I'm gonna be late for work--"

"Oh my god--" Ellie groans, opens the door, "Can you _be_ any more embarrassing, old man?"

She steps outside, and the situation is made all the worse by how Joel clearly has questions he wants to ask, but also can't look directly at her.

"Probably," He answers in a rough grumble, "If'n I really put my mind to it."

"Yeah, I bet," Ellie mutters,"Hold on, I'll move her car--"

"So…" Joel follows just a few steps behind her as she moves for the driveway, "So, you--is she--you guys talked things out, I guess--"

"Yep," Ellie answers shortly.

"And it...the talk...went well…?"

"It did."

"So is she...are you guys...is she…"

" _Joel--"_

She stops, turns, finds him anxiously stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket and watching her with a mixture of nervousness and frustration. 

And it kind of clicks then. That maybe he just wants to be involved. That maybe he really just wants to be happy for her. With her. 

That maybe he really does just care about her.

Ellie gives an awkward, reluctant kind of shrug.

"I...yeah," She says, "I guess--I guess we're _together_."

" _Together_ together?" He asks.

Ellie nods, and she can't suppress the grin that overtakes her face.

"Well, good goddamn, it's about time," Joel says, and it's like the life has come back into him; he laughs, throws an arm over her shoulders, pulls her down the driveway, "I'm happy for ya. But park her car on the other side of the yard when ya have your, y'know...sleepovers," He says.

Ellie rolls her eyes, laughs, feels some bizarre, unprecedented mixture of happiness and embarrassment and camaraderie. 

It's almost too much, y'know? Too good to believe. A morning like this, full of love and easy living, full of the kind of moments she might never forget.

"When I get back," Joel says as he climbs into his truck, "We're taking that bucket of bolts of yours for a test drive," He informs her, "I don't trust it. I wanna make sure it's safe before you go back to school."

"Sure thing, old man," She says as she opens up the door of Dina's car.

And she realizes then, what she really means when she calls him _old man._ Like, of course, he's old, but it's more than that, isn't it?

She wonders if _he_ knows. If he knows how every " _old man"_ could just as easily be " _Dad"--_ if she ever got the courage.


	21. Brakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY but also please stick out til the end and know that there's more fluff coming.

_**JOEL.** _

In the passenger seat, Ellie has her feet up, sunglasses on over her eyes; he’s pretty sure they're _his_ sunglasses, swiped from the front table of the house, but he can't find it in him to be annoyed about it. It's just good to have time with her again, like this. The evening light is warm and clean and gives a sense of comfortability and peace.

Until he really starts trying to use the brakes.

“These brakes are goin’ almost to the floor, girl,” He reports disapprovingly, “When’s the last time you had ‘em checked?”

“I don’t know,” She says absently, “Aren’t brakes _supposed_ to go to the floor?”

“ _Aren’t brakes supposed to go to the floor--_ what, _no._ No, Ellie, they’re not supposed to go to the floor--”

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re giving it a test drive then, isn’t it, Mr. Mechanic?”

“Christ, Ellie--now I gotta try to get this hunk of junk into a shop before _Sunday?_ When are we just gonna get you a new car--?”

“No way!” Ellie protests, “This truck is, like, my baby."

“Well, this baby is a death trap,” He grumbles darkly.

"Don't talk about my son that way," Ellie says with indignation, pats the seat between them, "He didn't mean it, son."

"I _did_ mean it--" Joel says, "--you're doin' all this driving now, time to get you a real car, something that can hold up--"

"My truck is _fine,"_ Ellie insists, "Why are you givin' it such a hard time? It's just an old man, like you--kinda figured you'd have more sympathy for him--"

"Well, he's just about older than I am, and that's sayin' something--"

"Tell me about it."

" _Listen_ ," He says sharply, looks over at Ellie.

She seems to sense his seriousness, lifts up the glasses momentarily; it's strange to see her looking so grown-up, so much like an adult, and yet still so painfully young, younger than she even knows--still so unaware and unprepared for the kinda harsh, unforgiving bullshit this world could throw at her.

Or maybe it isn't gonna matter how old she gets. Maybe she's gonna be a full grown adult and he's still always gonna see her as that fourteen year old kid who couldn't whistle, who insisted they eat breakfast together every damned morning, who began each meal by reciting a god awful joke from the pages of her worn out pun book, laid open limply on the table in front of her plate.

Maybe to him she’ll always be the kid in that museum gift store who jammed a ridiculous hat onto her head, then pulled him through the crowds, urged him along to each exhibit with disarming eagerness.

Because however old he gets, he’s never gonna forget the look on her face as she stared at that space capsule; an expression full of the kind of wonder and joy he’d forgotten about years before. Like she was seeing real, pure magic, right there in front of her eyes. 

And that’s it, you know? That’s the part of her he still has to protect, as long as he can. That part that can still feel humbled and enchanted by the bits of magic left in the world.

"You're not _invincible_ ," He reminds her, "I know you're nineteen and you feel like there ain't a goddamn thing in this world that could take you down, but all I'm asking is that you be careful, y'hear? I ain't always gonna be here to get your brakes checked for you--"

"Okay, _morbid_ much--?" Ellie tries to laugh it off.

"I mean it, kid," He says persistently, "I need to know that _you_ know how to take care of yourself."

"I know how to take care or myself--"

"I don't mean like _I can microwave my own pizzas_ ," Joel says, "I mean--I need to know you're gonna go to the doctor, you're gonna look after your car, you know what to do if a hot water heater breaks, how to change a tire--"

"Damn, calm down, Joel--" She says, pulls the glasses back down over her face, "Plenty of time for you to teach me all that. And even _you_ don't go to the doctor--"

"Ellie, look where we're at, out here in the middle of nowhere--if we bust a tire on an old pothole, what's the first thing we gotta do--?"

"And now there's a _quiz_?" Ellie groans, tips her head back against the seat.

Joel pushes on the brakes as they come to a four-way stop; he feels dread and fear in equal measure at how badly those brakes respond--how long has she been driving this thing around with these awful goddamn brakes? 

Thank god it doesn’t have to be like that anymore. Things can be different now--now that she’s let him back in. Forgiven him. Or is starting to forgive him, at the very least.

They come to a wavering halt at the stop sign, and the truck rattles and vibrates underneath them. Ellie’s looking out over the empty fields stretching to the horizons around them, rolling out toward the line of the mountains in the distance. Nothing for as far as the eye can see. Nothing except a dark line of clouds, swollen and gray and threatening impending rain.

Jesus--he can’t let her drive with brakes like these on a wet road. He’ll call his mechanic--do whatever he has to do to get this piece of junk up to snuff. 

“Fine, no quiz yet,” He says, and he applies a little gas to the pedal, urges the metal monstrosity through the empty intersection, “But this summer, you’re gonna learn all this stuff--”

“Ooh, mechanic summer school with Joel,” Ellie scoffs and he can practically hear her eyes rolling behind the sunglasses, “Can’t _wait--”_

“Make your jokes, you’re gonna thank me--”

There’s a split second where he sees it--where he can see what’s about to happen but can’t do anything about it. Because it’s already too late.

“ELLIE--”

The SUV hurtling through the intersection strikes Joel’s side of the truck like a goddamn meteor, like the wrath of God himself, and it’s an impact of biblical proportions. The world explodes into violence, into screeching metal and shattering glass and a feeling of sickening weightlessness. It happens so fast that his brain can only process it in disorienting flashes of sound and terror, until he blacks out.

When he wakes up, it’s because someone has a hold of his jacket, and that someone is trying to drag him out of the jagged tangle of metal to which the truck has been reduced.

“Ellie…” He says, disoriented, groggy.

And then pain lights up in his leg, pain like he’s never known before. Down just below the knee, his left leg has been pinned by the crushed dashboard. But the pulling doesn’t stop.

“Hold on,” He groans, “Hold on, I’m stuck, goddammit--”

That’s when he looks around, through the haze of blood in his eyes, and finds Ellie slumped against the warped passenger door.

A cold, dead feeling erupts in his veins, a kind of fear so deep it doesn’t even have a proper name, something primal and bone-deep. 

“Ellie!” He calls out to her, “Ellie, baby--fucking let me go--” He yells over his shoulder, tries to twist away from the hands wrapped in his jacket.

“ELLIE, WAKE UP!” He calls at her--but she doesn’t stir.

And then a fist comes down through the shattered frame of the truck, through that broken window, connects firmly with his jaw, and stars erupt behind his eyes. 

Those hands grab his jacket again, seize on his disorientation; with a great, heaving pull, he’s dragged out of the truck, into the wet grass, and there’s a tearing sensation somewhere in his trapped leg, a blinding, mind-numbing kind of pain that stabs straight to the center of his brain. 

He’s sure he’s screaming, but he can’t hear it. Can only feel a raw, broken feeling down in his throat. 

“Joel? Joel!” Ellie’s voice from the wreckage of the truck, confused and weak and uncertain.

“Stay in the truck--” He calls out at Ellie, “Ellie, stay in the truck--”

He looks up from the flat of his back, finally finds the fucker who has dragged him out here. Who plowed a goddamn car into them. 

He expects it’s the cartel. He fully expects that this might be the moment he’s been dreading since they left Texas, since he’d abandoned his smuggling days with little to no warning. He’d always prayed Ellie wouldn’t have to see it, that she wouldn’t have to be here.

But this...this doesn’t seem like the cartel.

It’s a girl. 

Just a girl.

Not a threat.

Overhead, the sky has darkened, and the rain has started coming down in fat, cold drops.

“Do you know who I am?” She asks, “Do you remember?”

“The fuck is this…?” He asks through clenched teeth.

“This is fucking _justice_ ,” She says, leaning over him, “Say it. Say you remember the doctor."

“Fucking’...doctor…? What?” His head is swimming, the blood is warm and sticky on his face--

But there, for a second, he sees it. The long, braided hair. The shape of her face. 

He thinks about the wallet he pulled from the doctor’s slacks that night a million years ago. A lifetime ago. The driver’s license was there in the front, confirming his identity as the _one_ , as the doctor who had worked on David, had failed to save him--as the one person in the goddamn world who was advocating to have Ellie prosecuted. 

Joel can still see it, the way he’d flipped past the driver’s license and found a series of photos. In the front, a girl in a softball uniform. Long, braided hair falling down her back.

She’s older now, different--but it could be the same girl. It really could. It probably is.

“Doctor Jerry Anderson,” She says, “You fucking remember him. You fucking crippled him, you crushed his hands--because he was a good man who believed in the law--you _fucked up our whole lives_ \--”

The rain starts to come down in earnest. He lets his head fall back against the grass. 

He remembers. 

It was always going to be something, wasn’t it? _If you live like a devil, hell’s gonna catch up eventually._ His dad used to say that, used to tell him and Tommy over and over again when they were too little to even understand what he was talking about.

Joel knows now that his dad wasn’t saying it to _them_ , not really. He was just reminding himself. Again and again.

‘Cause Miller boys--they’re always just one step outside of hell, aren’t they? Always trying to outrun one sin or another. 

But maybe now it’s time to stop running.

She grabs the front of his jacket, and he knows his leg is shattered, fucked beyond measure--he can’t do anything. Anything at all. Couldn’t _run_ from this sin even if he wanted.

“ _Tell me you fucking remember--”_

“Do what you gotta do,” He spits out roughly, “Do it and move the fuck on.”

\--

ELLIE.

She claws at the seatbelt, pulled now too tightly over her chest--she can’t get a full breath. The adrenaline is like a wide-open current of electricity coursing up through her spine, making her heart thump in her ears, making the fear feel extra sharp and keen.

“Fuck, _fuck--”_ She whisper to herself; everything hurts, and from outside she can hear a noise, something wet and brutal.

Someone pulled Joel from the truck. Someone was helping him. Weren’t they? She can’t get out quickly enough, can’t get the fucking belt off--

She shifts, strains against the confines of the belt and the crushed metal cage of the truck, and she tries to reach into her back pocket; her hands are shaking and her fingers can only barely reach the edge of her pocket. She twists, pushes the reach of her arm, until the strain in her shoulder is almost more than she can 

But then her fingers wrap around the length of wood and metal she’s looking for, and there’s a rush of pure relief as she pulls her knife from her pocket, snaps it open, starts sawing frantically at the seat belt.

She pulls in a frantic breath of air and is already kicking at the crushed door, trying to force it open. 

_Please be okay, Joel._

She thinks it over and over in her head until the door finally gives, finally lets her spill out into the grass, and she crawls, stumbles to her feet, scrambling for every inch as she makes her way around the smoking hood of the truck--around to the passenger’s side.

There’s a girl there. Not much older than Ellie, if it all. Her hands are wrapped along a long, twisted length of metal, something ripped from the wreckage. Her face is contorted into some expression that barely looks human. 

And Joel’s there. On the ground.

“Wait--” Ellie says it quietly at first, trying to understand what’s happening, then louder, “ _Wait--”_

The girl brings the metal across Joel’s face and there’s a crunching sound that causes Ellie’s heart to freeze, to stop beating for what feels like a full lifetime. She clutches the knife in her hand and doesn’t think, doesn’t stop to consider what will happen next.

She reaches down, finds a rock in the grass; she rushes at the girl, who looks surprised to see Ellie rounding the side of the truck. Ellie chucks the rock straight at the girl’s head; she reels away from Joel for a moment, clutching her head where the rock has stricken her. Ellie seizes the opportunity and pounces, follows a set of instincts she didn’t even know she had.

But the other girl is fast; she lunges away from Ellie, and all in one motion, brings that length of metal up, makes hard, blinding contact with Ellie’s head.

The world goes dark for a fraction of a second and Ellie drops, hard and heavy into the dirt and grass. Blood fills her mouth and she can’t even hear, can’t think, can’t see. She coughs, trying to pull in air.

The girl walks away from her, back toward Joel, and Ellie feels a kind of desperation she’s never felt before, an aching helplessness that feels like a vise around her heart, around her lungs. She makes it to her hands and knees but her body feels broken and the world won’t hold still, won’t stop moving. She can make out Joel just across the grass, bloodied and unmoving.

“Get _up_ , Joel,” She begs him, “Fucking get _up--”_

But he doesn’t.

“I’ll fucking kill you,” She tells the girl through pained, racking sobs, “I’ll kill you--”

She tries to get up, but her legs give up and she falls again and she hates it, hates herself, hates that she can’t do this, can’t help him--after everything he’s done for her, she can’t help him even a little bit--

The girl lifts the bar again.

“ _Please,”_ Ellie calls out to her, a shattered, desperate sound, “He’s my _dad,_ please stop, I’m...I’m fucking _begging--_ ”

Ellie collapses fully to the ground, lets her head fall back into the grass.

“He’s my _dad_ ,” She sobs at no one, at nothing, just to say it, just so it can live and be real, “He’s my fucking _dad--”_

The girl hesitates, and there’s a war on her face, a conflict of pain and rage too deep to fit into words. She looks at Joel, fingers clenched around that metal rod, and then at Ellie, lying broken and pleading on the grass.

All at once, she drops that jagged length of metal into the dirt and she looks almost confused, lost, like she’s not sure how she got here. How she’s going to get back. 

She takes a shakey step backward, away from Joel, then another. 

Ellie forces herself to her knees, feels the blood drying on her face, and for a second their eyes meet, her and this fucking lunatic girl. 

And then the girl turns, leaves. Just like that. Ellie hears the sound of a car door, but she doesn’t feel concerned about that. A car engine turns over and over and there’s the sound of the girl cursing behind the wheel of her completely fucked up vehicle, spun out there on the side of the road after the impact, but Ellie is focused on Joel.

“Joel?” She moves to him, holds shaking hands over him, “Joel--please, Joel--oh, fuck--”

He doesn’t move. The rain begins to fall heavier, feels cool against her burning skin but it doesn't help, she barely feels it--

“ _Please,_ Joel,” She begs him, puts her hands on his swollen, bruised face, “God, _please--please wake up--”_

Ellie doesn’t believe in miracles. She’s never really been able to tell what the difference is supposed to be between a _wish_ and a _prayer_ , so it’s always made more sense that both are probably bullshit. 

But this? This might have been as close to a fucking miracle as she was ever going to get, because Joel reaches up haltingly, lays over hers, holds it tight, almost too tight.

“Ellie…” He says in a choked, wavering voice, “Ellie--”

“Joel! Hold on--” She says, “Hold on, Joel--I’m gonna...I’m gonna call for some help, just--hold on--”

She reaches into Joel’s coat pocket, pulls out his phone; the screen is shattered but she presses commands into it anyway with one hand; the other is still caught, unyielding, in his.

“Just hold on, Joel,” She pleads with him, “I’m gonna get us out of this. I am."

"I know," He says in a creaky, broken voice, "I know you will, Ellie."


	22. Awestruck

**_ELLIE._ **

Her hands won’t stop shaking.

She looks down at them, there between her knees, with the skin scraped raw, the fingertips dipped in blood--Joel’s blood. She can’t stop shaking. She can’t.

Her own breathing feels too loud, too close. All she can hear is the grinding of metal on asphalt, the snapping of glass, the wet thuds of that bar, impacting against flesh.

She can’t stop shaking.

Dina gets there, to the hospital, and she presses her hands against Ellie’s face, says words Ellie can’t hear--the crash, the violence, it’s all still too loud in her head. But she doesn’t need to hear the words. It’s enough to know Dina is there. It’s enough to feel her hands, enough to see her face.  _ Are you okay? Are you okay?  _ Dina’s lips keep forming the words and Ellie keeps nodding even though the tears just won’t stop falling silently down hface, quietly betraying the truth. She keeps nodding anyway.

Dina pulls her to the little sink in the room, turns on the water. The drain runs red and the soap burns but Dina helps her and then Ellie’s hands are clean. They’re clean. They really are. Aren’t they?

Goddammit, why can’t she stop shaking?

Dina gathers up both of Ellie’s trembling hands in her own, holds them there. 

_ Are you okay?  _ Her lips form the words again.

And this time Ellie doesn’t nod; instead she just leans in against Dina and Dina doesn’t hesitate, just folds her arms around Ellie and holds her there while all the residual fear and grief she’s been holding back spills out in deep, breathless sobs there against Dina’s shoulder.

\--

**_ELLIE._ **

They’re six hours into the thirteen-hour drive when Dina grabs her arm, hard, and asks her to pull over. 

Joel’s truck hasn’t even fully stopped moving when Dina throws open the door, spills out into the grass at the side of the road.

Ellie leaves the engine running, goes around the front end, around the hood--thinks about her own truck, about Joel there in the grass beside the wreckage, about the girl and the conflict on her face--

“Hey…” Ellie says, stepping quickly through the gravel and weeds to where Dina is kneeled, “What’s wrong?”

She kneels down beside Dina, puts a hand against her back. 

“I’m fine,” Dina says, “Probably just the...gas station food, right? I--”

But another wave of sickness hits her and she doubles over, retches into the grass again. Ellie keeps that hand pressed to her back and tries to figure out what she can do--there’s a certain amount of helplessness here, and she thinks maybe the best thing is to just let Dina know she’s here. 

That always helped her, when she was sick. How Joel would put his hand on her back and just say,  _ I’m here, darlin’.  _

She’s maybe only just now realizing what all those little things meant. It’s only just coalescing into a bigger picture in her head. How even the smallest action was a moment when he was trying to teach her something.  _ Here’s what you do when someone you love is sick. _

If not for him, she wouldn’t know. She wouldn’t know how to do this, how to provide a comforting touch, how to be available and present. 

He was always trying to show her what it was to love and care about someone else. How to  _ really _ care about them. How to sacrifice for them. How to choose them, every minute of every day. How to choose them even when they’re a half-feral, pain in the ass kid drawing potato graffiti on the walls at school. How to choose them even when they’re not making it easy.

Ellie moves her hand against Dina’s back in a short, comforting little circle.

“I’m here, darlin’,” She says.

When they’re back in the truck, Ellie watches Dina across the cab. She looks fine--doesn’t look like she has a cold sweat and her color is returning quickly. But she watches anyway, until Dina finally looks up, rolls her eyes.

“I’m  _ fine _ ,” She says, and it’s too cavalier, too casual, too forced, “Really.”

“That’s the third time,” Ellie says quietly. 

“It was just--something hit my stomach wrong, I--”

“Maybe. You slept a long time today, too.”

“It’s a road trip,” Dina say dismissively, “What else am I supposed to do?”

Ellie shrugs.

“Ellie…” Dina sighs, looks out the window; Ellie watches her face reflected there in the glass, “You know, we haven’t even really talked about what we’re doing. What we’re  _ really  _ doing.”

“We’re going to Seattle,” Ellie says, “I already told you--her t-shirt, it had--”

“The  _ Washington Huskies _ logo, yeah, I remember,” Dina says, and she taps her fingers against the door uneasily, “It’s a major university, Ellie. Like--fifty thousand kids. And what if she doesn’t even go there? What if she bought the shirt at a thrift store--?”

“I’ll find her,” Ellie says, unconcerned.

“Ellie--”

“The had to take Joel’s fucking  _ leg _ , Dina,” Ellie says sharply, “ _ I’m gonna fucking find her.” _

“And what are you gonna do, Ellie?” Dina asks, “When you find her, what are you gonna do? You haven’t covered that part of the plan with me yet--”

“You said you wanted to be here,” Ellie reminds her, “ _ You go, I go.  _ That’s what you said--”

“Yeah, and now we’re six hours in and there’s no turning back so maybe you can just tell me what we’re actually doing--”

“We’re gonna go find this girl--”

“Whose name you don’t know, in a major city, at a massive university--”

“I know  _ enough _ ,” Ellie says, voice a little louder than she intended, “I saw her face. I’ll know her when I see her again--”

“Ellie, babe…” Dina sighs gently, “I don’t...I don’t know that you’re thinking clearly here--”

“My thinking is  _ fine _ . My thinking is that Joel  _ still  _ hasn’t woken up, might not  _ ever _ wake up--and this girl, she did it, she fucked everything up, and I’m--”

“What?” Dina says, soft now, eyes holding Ellie’s pleadingly, begging for something Ellie can’t quite understand--begging Ellie, maybe, to see reason, “What are you gonna do, Ellie, if you find her?”

Ellie looks away, looks at her own fingers wrapped around the steering wheel. Her jaw is clenched so tight that it hurts but she can’t stop, can’t undo it. All she can think about it the blood. Joel’s voice, an empty, rasping sound,  _ I know you will. _

“I’m gonna do what I have to do,” Ellie says in a quiet, rough murmur.

“Ellie…” Dina says, “You can’t...you know you can’t  _ hurt her--” _

“Why not?” Ellie says, “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because it’s fucking illegal, let’s start there--”

“Yeah, well, it’s been three weeks and the cops aren’t doing shit are they--”

“Probably because they know  _ girl in a Washington Huskies  _ shirt isn’t enough to go on--”

“Either you’re with me or you’re not, Dina, it’s really fucking easy--”

“No, it’s not, Ellie, nothing about it is fucking easy--”

“Why not, Dina? We’ve talked about this for three weeks, but  _ now  _ it’s hard--”

“Ellie--”

“No, Dina, it’s not like--”

“ _ Ellie--” _

“WHAT?”

“I think…” Dina shakes her head, closes her eyes, opens her mouth, closes it; she gives a dry, mirthless laugh, “I think I might be pregnant?”

A soft but persistent kind of buzzing blooms in Ellie’s ears. A static kind of  _ nothing _ .

“...what?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Dina says, and Ellie can see it, how hard this is for her, but the buzzing is too loud to properly take anything in, really, “I’m...I’m late. And I thought--I don’t know, I thought it could be anything, I thought--I don’t know…”

She draws a sleeve over her eyes, stubbornly wipes away the beginnings of tears, clears her throat.

“I mean, it’s not  _ yours _ , if that’s what you’re worried about,” She adds.

Ellie leans back against the seat, covers her face with her hands. The buzzing just gets louder. She can’t think.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asks, “Jesus Christ, Dina--”

“I don’t know,” Dina says, “I guess I was more worried about my girlfriend driving to Seattle on a fucking  _ revenge murder  _ roadtrip--”

“Don’t put this on  _ me,”  _ Ellie says, “I didn’t  _ ask _ you to come.”

Dina stops, just in the middle of saying something, closes her eyes. 

“Yeah,” She says quietly, nods, “Yeah...you’re right, you didn’t.”

“Dina, I didn’t mean it like that--” Ellie says, chest immediately flooding with guilt.

“It’s fine. Let’s just--do whatever, y’know, go to Seattle and commit a fucking murder, I guess?”

And when she says it like that, with the hurt still heavy in her voice, maybe it finally hits Ellie, how fucking insane this is.

Joel showed her how to care about people. And this isn’t it. This isn’t it at all.

Ellie reaches out, turns the key in the ignition of the truck. 

There’s a numbness down in her hands, in every one of her limbs, an icy kind of  _ nothing _ . 

“I’m sorry,” She says quietly, looks up at Dina.

Dina is staring determinedly out the window, but Ellie can see her reflection still, in the glass, can see the tears she’s pushing away roughly.

“Yeah,” Dina says, refusing to turn away from the window, “Yeah, me too.”

“I mean it,” Ellie says, curling her fingers over the steering wheel, watching her knuckles go white; Joel’s hands should be here, not hers, “I...I’m sorry, Dina. It’s a lot. That’s all.”

“I know it’s a lot,” Dina says, “Fucking tell me about it.”

A silence stretches out, unfolds between them, broken only by the sounds of a few scattered drops of rain against the windshield.

“A  _ baby? _ ” Ellie says after a moment, still looking down at the steering wheel, “Like--a real fucking  _ baby?” _

Dina gives what sounds like a reluctant, wry kind of laugh.

“Well, not a fake one, I’m assuming,” She says.

The rain comes down a little harder.

Ellie laughs, and the buzzing slowly fades, gets replaced with some strange, awe-struck kind of feeling.

“Jesse’s?” She asks softly.

Dina turns away from the window finally, just a little. She nods.

“Holy shit,” Ellie says, and she pushes a hand through her hair, sweeps back away from her face, as if she needs the extra room to think, to take this in, “He’s gonna lose it. In a good way, I mean. Have you told him yet?”

“No,” Dina says, “I’ve only told you.”

Ellie nods, thinking.   
“So...how...how does this work?” Ellie asks.

“Well,” Dina says with a sigh, “See, when a man and a woman really like each other--”

“You’re really fucking funny, Dina,” Ellie says, tries not to laugh, “But I’m serious. Like--do you and Jesse, y’know--get back together now? That’s...that’s what has to happen, right?”

“There’s nothing that  _ has to happen _ ,” Dina says, “There’s no rulebook. And if I wanted to be with Jesse--I’d still be with Jesse.”

“But you’re...you’re with me,” Ellie says, almost a question, a request for verification.

“Yeah,” Dina confirms for her, “I’m here. With you.”

“And you still--you still wanna be with me? You want me to…” Ellie hesitates, feeling the full weight of a kind of fear she’s never known before, so deep and profound that it’s a little dizzying, “...you want me  _ here? _ For this?”

“Ellie, I don’t...know how any of this is going to work yet,” Dina says, and she leans her head back against the seat, and Ellie finally sees just how exhausted she looks, “This is going to change fucking  _ everything _ . And you’ve got...art school, and friends, and--”

“You’ve got school, too,” Ellie says, “So what? We’ll figure it out. For a little  _ Dina?  _ Are you kidding? A little Jesse? Like--fuck  _ yes,  _ Dina--” Ellie starts to laugh, because the idea is solidifying, and it’s fucking terrifying and yet also gives her the kind of light, awe-stricken feeling she had once, when she stood beside Joel in a museum and looked at a real fucking space capsule.

It had seemed like magic, that hunk of metal, had been proof that the world was bigger and larger and more mysterious, more  _ good _ , than she had known before. And now, thinking about a  _ baby--a real fucking baby _ \--she feels the same way again. Wonder-filled, awestruck. And, yeah, a little scared, too--but it's not the kind of fear she's used to feeling. This is different-- _good_ , almost.

Some fear, it's a reminder that you could die. But this fear? It's a reminder that she's _alive_. That maybe there are good things waiting--if she can just avoid fucking them up.

Is this something she could really have? She tries to see it, in her head--coming home, every day, to Dina. To Dina and a _baby._ Coming home to people who love her. Who want her. Who need her. A _family_ all her own. 

And she's so overcome with it, with this sudden vision of what the future might look like, that for right now she doesn't even have room inside her to think about the girl in the _Huskies_ shirt, holding that metal bar.

“Are you...are you serious?” Dina asks, looking a little incredulous.

“I mean--are  _ you  _ serious?” Ellie asks, “Do you...do you really want  _ me _ to be the one to...to do this with you? Are you sure I’m…” Ellie lets go of the steering wheel finally, searches for the words, “Are you sure you want, like--a  _ family? _ With  _ me?  _ Dina, I’m--”

Dina crosses the space between them, interrupts her with a firm kiss.

“ _ Yes, _ ” Dina says, laughing quietly as she holds Ellie’s face in her hands, “Yes, you dummy--I just..." She hesitates, tilts her head in against Ellie's; Ellie pulls her in closer.

"You don't _have_ to do this, you know. You have every right to...I don't know. Make a break for it. No one would blame you for that--"

" _Make a break for it?_ " Ellie repeats, eyes searching Dina's incredulously, "Like--walk away? No way, pal...you're stuck with me. I'm sorry."

Dina laughs, and there's a light sort of relief there.

"I mean it," Ellie says a little more seriously, and she reaches up, tucks a dark lock of hair behind Dina's ear, "I'm here. I'm here until you tell me to go."

"I'm never gonna tell you to go," Dina says, and she leans in, kisses Ellie gently.

"Then I guess we're stuck with each other," Ellie says quietly, "Thank fucking god."

The rain outside patters against the windshield and that’s alright, because inside they’re dissolving into nervous laughter, into an exchange of uncertain plans and reassurances; maybe this isn’t ideal, maybe it’s not what they had planned, but now that she’s seen it, now that the idea is there--Ellie can’t imagine anything better in the world.

Somewhere in her pocket, her phone is buzzing. She’ll find it in a minute, find the text there, the one from Tommy.

> Tommy: Ellie
> 
> Tommy: Ellie he’s awake
> 
> Tommy: get home ASAP

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	23. Close Enough

APRIL 16th.

FRIDAY. 8:22 pm.

Message From: Joel

Joel: Ellie

Joel: what the hell is Tommy here talking about

Ellie: idk tommy talks about lots of weird stuff

Joel: he says you ain't going back to school

Ellie: oh

Ellie: well

Ellie: yeah, I'm not

Joel: no

Joel: no we're gonna talk about this

Joel: you ain't throwing everything away like this

Ellie: joel

Ellie: it's the opposite

Ellie: i'm not throwing everything away

Ellie: I'm just

Ellie: i feel like i just found everything

Ellie: now I'm doing what needs to be done to keep it

Joel: you can't just drop outta school

Joel: you can't 

Ellie: it's not forever

Ellie: right now I just have more important things going on

Joel: look I understand that you wanna do right by Dina and her situation

Joel: but you can't give up on yourself like this

Ellie: it's not a situation

Ellie: it's a baby

Ellie: and it's not just about them joel

Ellie: you're still in a fucking hospital

Ellie: do you think I'm gonna just run off back to school?

Ellie: no fucking way man

Ellie: you and me

Ellie: we're all we've got old man

Ellie: whether you like it or not

Joel: Ellie

Joel: please

Joel: go back to school

Ellie: i already filed the paperwork

Ellie: and I start a new job tomorrow

Ellie: lee got me on at her dad's shop

Joel: grady's?

Joel: the bike shop?

Joel: you're not a mechanic 

Joel: you thought brakes should go to the floor 

Joel: what in the absolute hell is going on out there

Ellie: I'm not a mechanic yet

Ellie: but I can learn 

Ellie: how hard can it be to fix motorcycles right?

Ellie: but I'm just sweeping floors and shit for now

Ellie: grady offered me good pay

Ellie: kinda the only one who offered me any pay

Ellie: jobs aren't growing out of the ground around here you know

Joel: jesus are you telling me

Joel: you're not going back to school 

Joel: and you're working at a place

Joel: where you're gonna be around motorcycles 

Ellie: that's a good summary yeah

Ellie: good to see the old noggin's still working

Joel: you give me high blood pressure 

Ellie: good thing you're already in a hospital

\--

MAY 2nd.

SATURDAY. 8:26 am.

Message To: Joel

Ellie: how do you make those scrambled eggs???

Ellie: dina keeps asking for them

Ellie: and i keep burning more eggs

Ellie: so many eggs joel

Joel: it's just scrambled eggs ellie

Ellie: i know you do something special to them

Ellie: i need the secret old man

Ellie: it's basically life and death

Joel: use a saucepan not a skillet

Joel: melt up the butter

Joel: scramble up the eggs

Joel: pour em in

Joel: cook em slow

Joel: you're turning the heat up too high

Ellie: gotcha 

Ellie: thanks joel

Ellie: we're gonna be down right after breakfast

Ellie: tommy's coming too

Joel: i don't need a whole army

Ellie: there's three of us

Ellie: in what world is that an army 

Joel: well i don't need that much help

Joel: I'm just still getting used to the new leg

Joel: that's all

Ellie: yeah, okay, well that's why we're gonna be there

Ellie: still discharging you at noon, right?

Joel: I'm leaving at noon no matter what they say

Joel: I'll fight every damn person in here

Joel: i can't stay here another day

Ellie: ok tough guy

Ellie: maybe don't fight anyone yet

Ellie: we'll be there soon

Ellie:...seriously don't fight anyone

Joel: no damn promises 

\--

MAY 18th.

Wednesday. 2:18 pm.

Message To: Dina

  
  


Ellie: hey

Dina: hey babe how's work

Ellie: not bad

Ellie: listen

Ellie: those boxes tommy brought over

Ellie: with seth's old baby stuff

Ellie: don't move them upstairs without me

Dina: i can lift a couple boxes ellie

Ellie: dina

Dina: it's just a couple of boxes

Ellie: they're heavy 

Ellie: i mean it

Ellie: please don't 

Ellie: I'll take them up as soon as I get home

Dina: you're being a little paranoid

Ellie: maybe

Ellie: idk

Dina: is everything ok?

Dina: how are you feeling?

Ellie: idk

Ellie: tired, I guess

Ellie: maybe a little...idk

Dina: a little what?

Ellie: idk

Ellie: just don't move the boxes

Ellie: okay?

\--

JUNE 12th.

FRIDAY. 8:14 am.

Message To: Joel

Ellie: joel

Joel: ellie

Ellie: are you ok

Joel: why wouldn't I be ok

Ellie: you know what i mean

Ellie: do you need me to come with you today

Joel: no I'm fine

Joel: I'm can handle a doctor's visit

Ellie: you gonna be able to drive alright

Ellie: with the new prosthetic

Joel: I'll be fine

Ellie: i can come get you

Ellie: Grady isn't gonna mind if I have to take a long lunch

Joel: I'm fine ellie

Joel: i lost a leg but I ain't dead

Joel: i don't need to be babysat

Ellie: okay

Ellie: you're a tough old dude

Ellie: I get it

Ellie: joel just tell me if you need help

Ellie: i wanna help

Ellie: what else am I for

Ellie: if I can't help

Joel: i will kid

Joel: trust me

\--

JULY 3RD.

MONDAY. 12:14 pm.

Dina: ellie

Ellie: yeah?

Dina: i can't stop crying???

Ellie: what why are you ok??

Dina: yes I'm fine 

Dina: except for like

Dina: the crying.

Dina: i was picking out your birthday card at the store

Dina: and they were just so sweet

Dina: they were so nice ellie

Dina: i just started crying?

Dina: like an idiot?

Dina: omg I'm losing my mind

Ellie: i

Ellie: I'm sorry that the cards were so nice?

Ellie: they should really

Ellie: like tone those down

Dina: why can't there be a section just for people who are pregnant and losing their minds 

Dina: like--

Dina: "here are cards that are blank in case everything makes you cry right now"

Dina: no one can cry over a blank card 

Dina: but what if you give someone the card

Dina: and they expect a really nice message 

Dina: and it's just

Dina: blank

Dina: what if it's just blank ellie

Dina: omg I'm crying again

Ellie: dina it's ok

Dina: ellie i will never give you a blank card

Dina: i never want you to be disappointed like that

Ellie: I'm not…

Ellie: I'm not disappointed Dina 

Ellie: I'm fine

Ellie: I would love a blank card

Ellie: any card

Dina: omg

Dina: OMG ELLIE

Ellie: what

Dina: I forgot to actually get a card

Dina: I STARTED CRYING AND FORGOT TO BUY THE CARD

Dina: i hate this

Ellie: it's okay

Dina: i hate this

Ellie: i know

Ellie: do you want me to tell you good things?

Dina: yes please

Dina: tell me good things

Ellie: well the baby’s for sure gonna be cute as hell

Ellie: like the cutest baby 

Ellie: like all the other babies will be put to shame

Dina: ok yeah cute for sure

Dina: that helps

Ellie: yeah

Ellie: and that baby is going to have, like--

Ellie: the best goddamn hair

Ellie: like amazing hair

Ellie: I've never been jealous of a baby's hair but

Ellie: i feel like it could happen 

Dina: has anyone ever told you that you're kind of funny

Ellie: once or twice

Dina: i kind of like you 

Ellie: I kind of like you, too.

Dina: I have to go back and get a card

Dina: but I can't read any more of them

Dina: I might have to get you a blank card

Ellie: you don't have to get anything

Ellie: you just said you kind of like me

Ellie: that's all I need to know

Ellie: that's way better than anything they'd ever put in a card

Dina: and I'm crying again 

Ellie: wait no

\--

JULY 4th.

TUESDAY. 11:38 am.

Ellie: fireworks?

Jesse: FIREWORKS

Jesse: ellie listen

Jesse: they had these things

Jesse: ellie they're swords

Jesse: like sparklers but they're swords

Ellie: like flaming firework swords

Ellie: are you telling me you got flaming firework swords

Ellie: is this what you're saying to me

Jesse: that's what I'm saying to you

Ellie: so we're gonna fight with flaming firework swords

Jesse: YES WE ARE 

Ellie: FUCK YES

Ellie: don't tell dina

Dina: you guys know this is a group chat right 

Jesse: shit 

Ellie: i meant

Ellie: we're gonna

Ellie: like be responsible grown ups

Ellie: do our taxes

Ellie: balance our checkbooks

Ellie: not...fight with flaming swords

Dina: I want a sword too dammit 

\--

DINA.

Ellie is climbing into bed and trying not to wake her up. Ellie tries every night not to wake her up. Ellie tries so hard. 

Dina reaches out for her, still half-asleep, and like all the nights before, Ellie seems disappointed that her efforts have failed.

"You should be asleep," Ellie says, but she acquiesces, lets Dina drape an arm over her middle; Dina tucks her head under Ellie's chin and feels a deep, slow sense of relief. 

For Dina, these nights spent alone seem to stretch on forever, even though they're really not that long. It's just impossible to fall asleep here, in their bed, without Ellie. It's ridiculous, how Ellie's empty space there beside seems to buzz, seems to be a cavernous chasm that can't be ignored, no matter how hard Dina tries.

But Ellie is home now, and her skin is still damp from the shower, and she smells comfortingly good, clean, like their lemongrass soap and something distinctly  _ Ellie _ . 

Ellie is home now, and Dina can finally relax.

"You can't boss me around," Dina mumbles, "What time is it anyway?"

"I don't know," Ellie admits, "Eleven?"

"Eleven?" Dina repeats, and Ellie sighs, Dina can feel the falling of her chest.

"Had a mishap at the shop this afternoon," Ellie says, "Had to get a couple of stitches, made me late for my shift at the store. Had to stay late to get everything off the truck--"

" _ What?"  _ Dina demands, very much awake now, "What kind of  _ mishap?" _

She leans across Ellie, turns on the bedside lamp.

Ellie blinks against the wash of dim light, and there it is--a harsh line of stitches at Ellie's left temple, small but still shocking. Dina's breath catches a little, and she can feel Ellie's eyes watching her face with worry.

"It's fine," Ellie insists quietly, "I'm fine--"

"What the hell happened?" Dina asks, reaching up to gingerly touch Ellie's face, studying the injury with a deep sense of unease.

Ellie's eyes drift down into her lap, where her fingers are tangled together in a guilty, anxious knot. For the first time, Dina notices a line of raw scrapes and bruises across the knuckles of her right hand.

"I...might've…" She takes a deep breath, shakes her head, and Dina can see her settling into the task of saying something hard, "I got into a fight with Seth's kid. Remember him? Joey? He was a year behind us--"

"What?" Dina asks, and the anger is already boiling up in her, "Joey  _ attacked  _ you--?"

"No," Ellie says, and she still won't look at Dina, kneeling there in front of her in the bed, "No, I...maybe I...possibly...attacked him--"

Dina's anger cools, turns to something else, a kind of numb confusion.

"Why would you do that?" She asks Ellie with an even, affectless tone.

"We had Joey's bike in the shop this week, and he...came in with his dad, y'know, to pick it up. Lee and I did the work on his bike, right? And while his dad is in the office talking to Grady, Joey wanders around to the back on the phone, talking to some other asshole, I guess, because I can hear him making jokes about  _ dykes with bikes.  _ Shit like that. I guess he thinks I can't hear him, because I'm in the garage, but he's literally just outside the back door--like, what a fucking idiot, right? But, whatever--fuck him, y'know? I'm just there to do my job, I don't care what he thinks about me. I don't care what jokes he makes…"

Ellie trails off, and her eyes stay glued to her hands even more firmly.

"But...then he starts talking about  _ you _ .  __ I don't even remember what he said exactly, just that he used the word  _ slut _ and, Jesus--I lost it. I mean, I went out just to tell him to shut his fucking mouth, y'know, I didn't  _ intend  _ to actually  _ fight  _ him, but--"

"Ellie, you know I don't give a shit what people like Joey think. His whole personality is  _ I have a big truck.  _ Who the fuck cares what Joey thinks?"

"No, it...We didn't fight over that," Ellie says, "I went out, told him to shut the hell up, and we started to argue. Grady and Seth must have heard the yelling, because they came around the corner. Joey--he gets up in my face, and I know I can't hit him. I know I can't. I'm not  _ crazy _ , I know I can't just  _ hit someone _ …"

Ellie trails off again.

"...but?" Dina prompts her with an increasingly sick feeling.

Ellie's voice gets small, thin, and when she looks up at Dina, there's a redness to her eyes, a deep, unsettling brokenness in her face that Dina isn't sure she can understand.

"He called Joel a  _ cripple _ , Dina," Ellie says, "And I...I didn't even let him take another breath, I didn't even think about it, I just  _ hit  _ him. That's fucked up, right? I punched him. It was like something just turned my brain off, and I just...I hit him.'

Dina doesn't know what to say, just stares back at her with empty shock.

"He fell, and I just--it's like I didn't know how to stop? I remember seeing him grab a rock, and I guess he hit me with it--that must be how  _ this  _ happened--" She lifts her head just a fraction, to indicate the stitches at her temple, "But I don't even remember it, Dina. I just--didn't know how to stop. I've never been that angry before. I've never been that  _ anything  _ before…"

Dina reaches out, folds her hand over one of Ellie's.

"Grady dragged me off, and I guess the whole thing was only a few seconds. Seth kept apologizing to  _ me-- _ I guess he heard what Joey said, I don't know. Grady said he talked to Seth and they're not pressing charges but I don't know why Grady didn't fire me on the damn spot, y'know? But even with all of that, all I could think was...if Grady hadn't been there to pull me off...God, Dina...I think I could have  _ killed  _ him."

"You wouldn't have  _ killed  _ him," Dina says firmly, "You--"

"No, Dina, I mean it--I might have, I couldn't even  _ think--" _

Ellie tilts her head back against the headboard.

"I'm just so  _ angry  _ all the time, Dina," Ellie says quietly, "I'm angry and it's going to fuck everything up--"

"Ellie, you know that what happened to Joel--it wasn't your fault," Dina says gently, "You know that, right?"

Ellie closes her eyes, head still tilted back.

"I could've done something," Ellie whispers, almost more to herself than to Dina, "I could have done  _ something _ ."

"No, you couldn't, because you were attacked by a literal psycho," Dina reminds her, hand tightening over Ellie's, "You have to stop carrying this guilt around, or it's going to eat you alive."

Ellie straightens up, sighs, turns her hand over to tangle her fingers in Dina's.

"I'm trying so hard at this," Ellie whispers to her, "I want you, and this, and  _ us _ , so much--"

"I know," Dina assures her, "I know. You're  _ good,  _ Ellie, and I know you're doing so much--"

"--but I think this is already eating me alive," Ellie finishes, and there's a line curving quietly over her cheek, tears shed silently in the soft dimness of their room.

They study each other, there in the light of that small lamp, and Dina wants so much to take this pain from her, to bear it herself, to shoulder the weight--but she can't. She can't do that, and Ellie can't fight every asshole who says something sideways to her. Neither of them can afford to live this way.

"I don't wanna lose you," Ellie says it soft, a plea, a rare confession of deep, authentic fear, "Why am I such an idiot--I could have really hurt him, could have gone to jail, could _still_ go to jail--I could have thrown everything away over something so fucking stupid--"

Dina reaches out, takes Ellie's face in her hands.

"I'm here," Dina tells her, smoothing back a tangle of her still-damp auburn hair, "I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not gonna let you go down without a fight."

Ellie leans forward, buries her face in Dina's shoulder. Dina folds her arms around her and Ellie collapses into the embrace, exhausted and hurt and small, just for this one moment. 

"We're gonna figure this out," Dina promises her quietly, "We're gonna be okay."

Dina can't take this wound from her, can't bear it for her, but maybe, for right now, this is close enough.


	24. Branch Manager

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, y'all, I know updates have been slow. If you want some microfiction in your life while you're waiting for the next update, you can follow me on Tumblr: heygaymayday.

ELLIE.

Message From: Dinamite

Thursday. 11:28 AM.

Dina: hey babe

Dina: how's work going?

Ellie: not great

Ellie: some kids graffitied the back of the building last night

Dina: what??

Ellie: yeah and now I have to spend the afternoon, in the cold, painting over it

Dina: well what kind of graffiti was it?

Ellie: stupid

Ellie: it was stupid graffiti

Ellie: it was like

Ellie: a bear?

Ellie: holding an umbrella

Ellie: in the rain

Ellie: and he had a little shirt on

Ellie: and the shirt said

Ellie: drizzly bear

Dina: ellie

Dina: ellie did you graffiti the building?

Ellie: what???

Ellie: NO

Dina: because that sounds like you

Dina: that sounds like your kind of graffiti

Ellie: no

Ellie: no my jokes are much better than that

Ellie: drizzly bear??

Ellie: that's

Ellie: that's just dumb

Ellie: stupid 

Ellie: It's so cold out here dina

Dina: I'm sorry

Dina: maybe just paint really fast?

Ellie: I'm trying

Ellie: stupid bear

Ellie: can we have hot chocolate tonight

Ellie: i like your hot chocolate

Dina: i will make the hottest chocolate for you, babe

Ellie: is this what grown up flirting is like now

Ellie: because i don't hate it

\--

Message From: Tommy Boy

Thursday. 3:22 PM.

Tommy: ellie

Tommy: we gotta talk

Tommy: asap

Ellie: yeah

Ellie: what's up

Tommy: I'll come by the house later

Ellie: uh...ok

Ellie: you're being weird

Ellie: what's going on

Tommy: we'll talk when i get there

\--

The shop is closed, empty, dark. The big bay doors are drawn down and locked. Through the windows, Ellie can see that the darkness is already settling in--that gentle, fragile kind of darkness that happens in the winter, the kind that slips in too early, stays too late. 

Lee returns from the back with a couple of sodas, hands one to Ellie. She grabs a bucket, not unlike the one Ellie's sitting on, and turns it over, takes a seat. Even with the oil-stained concrete and the lingering scents of grease and metal--it's surprisingly peaceful here, at the end of the day. It's nice to take a second and catch their breath. Ellie's hands hurt, her knuckles speckled with white latex paint and deep, dark smudges of grease. 

"So...y'all really gonna have a baby?" Lee asks.

She tips her soda back, takes a short drink, fixes Ellie with a skeptical kind of gaze. She's tall and lean, with thick blonde hair pulled back and secured loosely. She's got a slow, pleasant kind of twang to her words; she's been in Wyoming for a long time now, but the West Virginia's still there, if you listen.

"Yeah…" Ellie nods, "Yep."

Ellie takes a drink, unsure of what else to add to the statement. 

"Like...a  _ baby _ baby? A  _ human  _ baby?"

" _ Yes _ , Lee," Ellie says emphatically, "What other kind of baby is there?"

"I don't know," Lee says with a laugh, "I just can't imagine, y'know--like…" Lee pauses, plows ahead, "I can't imagine you as a  _ mom. _ "

Ellie stares blankly. Thinking. Frozen.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

She hadn't really thought of it that way yet.

"I…" Ellie stammers.

"Dina? Sure," Lee shrugs, "I can see Dina becoming a mom, yeah. But--you? I just--that's just hard to put together in my brain, honestly."

"Well…"

"And how's Jesse fittin' into all of this?" Lee goes on, "Baby's got a mom, a dad-- and  _ another _ mom?"

"It's not  _ that  _ weird," Ellie says, feeling suddenly defensive, "Nobody says that sort of shit about blended families or whatever." 

"I know, I know," Lee says, holding her hands up, an unspoken apology, "You're right. Kid's gonna be real lucky, having so many good people to love him and look after him. I didn't mean anything by it, honest. It's just--I never pegged you as the domestic type, that's all."

"Well...I mean...I'm still  _ cool _ ," Ellie says, "I'm still...like I'm still  _ me." _

"Sure," Lee says with a little laugh, "I'm not saying it's a bad thing, you being all grown up and domestic. It kinda works for you. It's kinda cute."

Ellie rolls her eyes, "I'm not cute. I'm very  _ cool.  _ And...and...badass--I'm…"

"Late," Lee points out, nodding at the clock on the wall; she gives a wry grin, "Your wife's gonna wonder where you are."

"We're not  _ married _ ," Ellie says firmly--and she pauses, struck by the idea as she gets up from her seat. _Could_ they be married?

"Not  _ yet _ ," Lee says, and she looks down at her scuffed black boots, "Wow--Ellie Williams, a wife and a mom. Never thought I'd see that happen. Especially not so  _ soon. _ "

Ellie hesitates as she pulls her jacket on, because there's an uncharacteristic vulnerability there, for just a moment. Or at least, it seems like it. But she could be wrong. Lee is not a  _ feelings  _ kind of person--not at all. 

"I know," Ellie says, pulling the hood of her jacket up, preparing to meet the bitter cold outside again--but already looking forward to the possibility of hot chocolate at home, "Life's weird like that sometimes."

"Yeah--yeah, it is," Lee says in agreement, and she lifts her chin toward the door, "See you tomorrow, Williams."

\--

Group Chat: Dinamite, Jesse

Ellie: dina

Ellie: me and jesse need to talk to you

Jesse: dina we can't find a baby warmer

Dina: a what

Jesse: you said we need a baby warmer

Jesse: you told me to look for one

Ellie: and we can't find one anywhere

Ellie: we've looked everywhere, I swear

Dina: OH

Dina: a baby warmer

Dina: yeah

Dina: we need one of those

Dina: have you guys checked amazon

Ellie: of course we checked amazon

Jesse: we checked EVERYWHERE dina

Dina: wow

Dina: guys

Dina: idk what we're gonna do without a baby warmer

Dina: we're in big trouble

Ellie: dina

Ellie: it's not a thing, is it?

Jesse: DAMMIT DINA

Jesse: I CALLED STORES

Jesse: I ASKED IF THEY HAD BABY WARMERS

Dina: this is my favorite day

\--

When Ellie pulls the truck into the driveway, she finds Tommy's old Dodge is already there. In fact, she can hear the muffled sound of yelling from somewhere near Joel's porch.

She gets out of the truck, finds Tommy and Joel out on the sidewalk; Joel's all red in the face, yelling at Tommy, but before she can get close enough to figure out what's going on, Joel takes a swing at Tommy, clips him on the jaw. Tommy staggers and Joel stumbles on his stiff leg.

"Hey!" Ellie shouts, breaking into a run, "What the hell is going on?!"

She grabs Joel, steadies him, puts herself between the two of them.

"Nothin'," Joel sneers over Ellie's shoulder, "Tommy was just leavin'--right, Tommy?"

Ellie catches sight of Dina, drawn from the garage apartment by the sound of the scuffle. Her eyes are wide and questioning, and Ellie gives a small shake of her head, tells her to stay back.

"I  _ found  _ her, Ellie," Tommy says, wiping at his bloodied lip with the back of his hand, "That partial plate you gave me? I found her. College kid in Seattle."

Ellie froze, her grip on Joel loosening.

" _ Dammit _ , Tommy," Joel growls, "It don't matter, there ain't nothing no one can do about it, or her--"

"Tommy--" Dina starts to step forward, brows furrowed, as if she knows what's coming.

"We can go  _ get her _ , Ellie," Tommy says, "It's only a little ways to Seattle, we can be there and back in a few days--"

"And do  _ what _ , Tommy?" Dina demands, putting a hand at Ellie's elbow.

Ellie glances at her, at the swollen belly under her coat, and this is just the worst time, the worst moment for this news because she knows what Tommy wants--she knows, because she wants it, too.

"There's gotta be  _ consequences _ , Dina," Tommy says, "She's gotta  _ pay. _ "

"So call the  _ police _ , Tommy," Dina says sharply, "Don't drag Ellie into--whatever this is--"

"Well,  _ Joel  _ can't go with me," Tommy says, "Because this psycho girl cost him  _ his leg _ \--"

"I'm standing right the hell  _ here _ , Tommy," Joel reminds him, "And I'm telling you--it's over. All of it. You ain't callin' the police, you ain't goin' to Seattle, and Ellie sure as  _ hell _ ain't goin' to Seattle--"

"Yeah, I ain't calling the police 'cause the police don't do  _ shit,"  _ Tommy says, and then he points a finger at Ellie, almost like an accusation, "And Ellie's a grown woman who can make her own damn decisions. She almost made it to Seattle once already--"

"You  _ what--"  _ Joel rounds on her, brows knitted up in some mixture of anger and terror.

"When you were still unconscious," Ellie says, quiet and even, "I thought you were gonna  _ die _ , Joel. I was mad. I was--half out of my mind--"

"Well, I  _ ain _ ' _ t  _ dead, and no one's gonna do anything to this girl on my account--"

"She took your  _ leg--"  _ Ellie says, and she feels Dina's arm tighten at her elbow, "She--"

Joel leans in, fixes her with that wall of a glare, the kind he hasn't used on her since she was a kid, the kind that's impenetrable, unmoveable.

"It's. Over."

He says it low and firm, invites no argument.

She glares back, equally unmoveable.

"Tommy--go  _ home,"  _ Joel says, but Tommy doesn't move; instead he fixes his gaze on Ellie, waiting for a response from her.

She meets Tommy's gaze. Dina pulls at her arm gently, questioningly.

Ellie lets her eyes fall to her shoes.

"Dammit, Ellie," Tommy sneers, "You're just gonna let her go--"

"Tommy--" Dina snaps this time, "Fucking to home--"

Joel and Dina both light into Tommy then, forcing him back into his truck. Ellie stands on the sidewalk, feeling cold and numb and deeply out of place in the world.

\--

Message From: Lee

Friday. 8:12 AM.

Lee: someone graffitied the building again

Lee: little monkey in a tree w a briefcase

Lee: his name tag says branch manager

Lee: ellie if i found out this is you

Lee: i will lose my shit

Lee: like all of it

Ellie: it's not me dammit

Ellie: i am much funnier than that

Ellie: why does everyone think it's me

Lee: I'm picking up more paint

Lee: it's gotta be covered up again

Ellie: lee

Ellie: we have to figure out who's doing this

Ellie: because I am cold

Ellie: it's very cold

Ellie: it's too cold Lee

Lee: i know

Lee: I'll help

Lee: we'll figure it out

Lee: are you sure it's not you

Ellie: NO

Lee: just making sure

  
  
  
  
  
  



	25. We'll Work On That

DINA.

Ellie’s lying awake in the dark and Dina can tell. It’s not that Ellie’s tossing and turning or being noisy--no, Ellie’s not like that. It’s one of the things Dina likes so much about Ellie--she’s still. She’s quiet. Even when she’s doing something incredibly stupid and hazardous to her health, at the end of the day, Ellie is always Dina’s quiet refuge--a place where silence is an acceptable form of communication. 

So there’s no dramatic, restless shifting around. It’s the hands. It’s the hands that always give Ellie away. She can feel, more than hear it or see it, the way Ellie is twisting her hands together over the covers, and Dina knows something isn’t quite right.

Dina turns over, finds Ellie staring at the ceiling, hands wrung together over her chest in quiet, muted distress. 

“What’s wrong?” Dina asks, reaching out to lay her hand over one of Ellie’s, to stop the endless wringing.

Ellie deflates a little with a resigned sigh.

“I don’t know,” She says, “I’m sorry. Go back to sleep.”

“Bullshit,” Dina says instantly, “Talk to me.”

Ellie lifts her eyes, finds Dina’s face in the dimness of the room. Why does she continue to look so surprised every time Dina won’t let her hide? Won’t let her brush herself under a rug, dismiss her own doubts and fears? Ellie looks caught off guard every time Dina refuses to let her drown. Maybe someday she’ll get it, Dina reasons. Maybe someday she’ll understand.

“It’s Tommy, isn’t it?” Dina supplies, “Ellie, you know that’s fucking crazy, what he’s saying--”

“No, I--” Ellie interrupts, “Well--yeah, that’s on my mind. But...I don’t know, I was thinking about something Lee said yesterday.”

“Lee?” Dina repeats, “Why? What did Lee say?”

“Well, we were talking and...she said she couldn’t see me as a mom. A mother. A mom,” Ellie repeats the words, as if trying them out, moving them around to see if one sounds more reasonable than the other.

“That’s...ridiculous,” Dina says with a small laugh, “Of course it’s always a shock when your friends start growing up, taking on new identities. It sounds more like a Lee problem than a you problem.”

Ellie’s quiet, and Dina realizes that maybe this wasn’t the point.

“I just...I mean…” Ellie says, and her fingers begin to twist together again, “Am I a mom? Is that--I don’t--”

“Of course,” Dina says, and her heart hammers a little harder, something like fear, or maybe anger, it’s hard to tell in the moment, “Of course you are--”

“I just--this isn’t exactly the normal way things happen,” Ellie says with some defensiveness, “And I’m just trying to--make it make sense in my head, like...where I belong.”

Dina sits up, and the air is too cold but it doesn’t seem important right now.

Ellie looks up at her through the dark, and Dina tries hard to figure out what Ellie is trying to say. What she really means. Because it almost sounds like she’s changing her mind, and that’s an idea that hurts too badly to even consider right now.

“I just mean--” Ellie goes on, “He’s got a mom, and a dad, and then--a...me? An Ellie? How does that make sense, I--”

“Ellie--listen,” Dina says with a small shake of her head, “You are whatever you want to be. You fit in however you want to fit in…”

Dina takes a deep breath, steels her nerves before she can continue.

“But there’s still time now, right now, if you’re thinking that...maybe you don’t  _ want _ to fit in. Like...maybe you want  _ out--” _

“What?” Ellie says, immediately sitting up, “No--god, no.”

Dina’s heart slows a little bit, even as Ellie makes a concerted effort to look her directly in the eyes, bare and earnest.

“I’m not going anywhere, I just--I mean...do you...do  _ you  _ want me to be his mom? Is that--a good idea?”

“A good idea?” Dina asks, “‘What’s that even mean?”

“It means...I don’t know, Dina,” Ellie says, exasperated, “When I try to think of myself, with a kid, as a parent--I can’t think of any way that situation turns out good. I can’t think of any way that I’m not gonna absolutely fuck that up--”

“Ellie--stop,” Dina says, “That’s not--none of that is true--”

“It  _ is _ ,” Ellie says, “How do you teach another  _ thing _ , a  _ person _ , how to be  _ good _ ? How do you do that? How do you teach  _ kindness _ and  _ patience _ ? Just--the idea is too big, it’s fucking me up, and what if I just turn around and take  _ your _ amazing, wonderful, beautiful kid and make him--like me? Just--awkward and weird and too fucked up to know how to  _ love _ people, and let people  _ love  _ him?”

“Ellie…” Dina sighs, pulls both of Ellie’s hands into her own lap, “I get it. Here’s the thing--you don’t teach  _ goodness _ overnight. No one’s expecting you to give an infant a PowerPoint presentation on ethics. We have a long time to figure it out. But I have a theory. Would you like to hear it?”

Ellie sighs skeptically, but Dina can tell the PowerPoint thing has calmed her down. The way to Ellie’s heart has always been through absurdist humor and, frankly, Dina fucking loves that about her.

Ellie nods.

“Here’s what I think…” Dina says, and she settles in beside Ellie in the bed, leans her shoulder against Ellie’s, “I think you teach  _ goodness _ by being  _ good.  _ You teach them how to give love by  _ giving love. _ And guess what, babe--you’re kinda great at those things.”

Ellie looks down at her hands, but Dina can see the small grin pulling at her lips.

“Now...the  _ being loved _ part…” Dina says, leaning closer into Ellie, “You kinda have a hard time with that one. But we’ll get there.”

Ellie is quiet again, but it’s a full kind of silence this time, the kind that means maybe things are gonna be okay.

“And for the record,” Dina says, “I  _ do _ want you to be his mom. Or else I wouldn’t be here, right now. And if he turns out like you? Man...I think that’d be kind of amazing.”

Ellie gives a small, wry laugh, and tightens her hold on Dina’s hand.

\--

Message From: Tommy

Wednesday. 8:11 AM.

Tommy: Ellie, I need an answer from you

Tommy: we gotta move on this soon

Ellie: tommy

Ellie: what are we even talking about here

Ellie: what are we supposed to do when we find her

Tommy: i don’t know

Tommy: something

Ellie: are you talking about...hurting her?

Tommy: we ain’t talking about this on text message

Ellie: holy shit tommy

Ellie: what does maria say about all this?

Tommy: we haven’t really talked a lot

Tommy: here lately, I guess

Ellie: tommy man

Ellie: I’m mad too

Ellie: I really am

Ellie: I’m really fucked up over what happened to joel

Ellie: how we could have lost him

Ellie: but I need to think about this some more

Tommy: fine

Tommy: take your sweet ass time then

Ellie: dude

Ellie: I am on your side right now

Ellie: stop trying to make everyone in the world want to punch you

Ellie: jesus

\--

ELLIE.

It’s too early in the fucking morning. Ellie is still groggy and disoriented when she gets to the repair shop, but Lee is already at the desk in the office. The other woman points to a steaming cup sitting beside the coffee maker, perched on an old filing cabinet.

“Though you might be able to use it,” Lee says, “Looks like I was right. You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Ellie says, grabbing the coffee, “I appreciate that, I really do.”

“Just being honest,” Lee says, looking back down at her paperwork, “We got a Honda in this morning, needs work on the brake lines. Honestly, it needs a whole rebuild but Teddy ain’t ready for that conversation--”

“Teddy?” Ellie repeats with a groan, “How can one guy have so much  _ junk _ , I don’t understand--”

“Hey, I’ll work on whatever clunker he wants to pay me to work on,” Lee says with a shrug, “It’s around back, I need you to bring it round to the first bay.”

Ellie takes a drink off coffee, promptly burns her mouth; Lee laughs and Ellie grumbles as she heads back out the door, into the cold, and heads around the old, white-washed building. Today has already been kind of fucked up, and she isn’t sure how it can get any  _ more _ fucked up. Her socks aren’t quite fitting right, she can feel the seam bothering at her toes, and her jacket got caught on the gate this morning, ripped a hole straight through the sleeve--so now the December breeze just punches straight through, right up her arm. 

Plus, Dina won’t stop being Dina. In the best and worst ways. She’s still lifting stuff she shouldn’t be lifting, studying too long, too late, not getting enough sleep. She’s just going on about her life like she’s  _ not _ nine months pregnant and due any day now and it’s honestly starting to scare Ellie half to death. Her nerves feel shot to pieces anymore, and it’s all Dina’s fault.

But it’s also Dina’s fault that Ellie feels even a little more at peace with the idea of being a parent at all. It’s Dina’s fault that despite the shitty start to her day, Ellie feels fully capable of handling whatever’s gonna happen--because it’s quite a thing, the patience and fortitude you can find when you feel, well...Ellie pauses, thinking, trying to put a finger on the word for it, for why she feels  _ good _ and  _ capable _ in this moment. 

Well. Dina makes her feel  _ loved _ , doesn’t she?

And that helps.

It helps a lot.

Even if she’s still a little worried that  _ parent _ and  _ old  _ might be synonymous.

Ellie pauses at the side of the building, coffee still in hand--for a second, it almost sounds like there are voices coming from somewhere close by.

“Did you hear something?” One voice asks in a hushed, anxious whisper.

“No, shhhh, I’m almost done,” Another voice answers, “Hold this--hand me that can--”

“What is it?”

“It’s a ghost--”

“With a...beer?”

“Yeah, because he’s here for the  _ booze.” _

There’s an exchange of muted laughter and Ellie immediately realizes what’s going on. She rushes around the corner, nearly tripping over a discarded plastic bucket.

She finds two teenage girls, one still applying fresh paint to the back wall of the building, the other one watching with reserved, reluctant amusement. The painter has a dark, plaid trapper hat pulled low over her head, but a shock of blue hair is visible around her face; her jeans are ripped and her fingerless gloves bear the image of a skull and crossbones. The other girl is small, blonde, in a neat blouse and dark jeans, with a book still clutched in her hands. An odd pair, but Ellie doesn’t care, they’re both finally caught and that’s what matters.

“Hey!” She shouts at them, “Hey, you fucking  _ punks _ , what the hell--”

They both jump, surprised, and the blonde one’s eyes go wide; the painter drops the can, takes a step back--throws an arm out in front of the blonde girl.

“Do you know how long it takes to paint over this  _ shit _ ?” Ellie asks.

“In regular years, or old people years?” The tough-looking one asks with a defiant sneer.

“Finn,” The blonde girl hisses, “What the hell are you doing? Oh my god, my parents are gonna  _ kill _ me--”

“What--I don’t--fuck off, kid, I’m not  _ old _ ,” Ellie says, “I’m--”

“Whatever, I don’t care, are you gonna let us go or not?” Blue hair demands, and she still hasn’t lowered her arm.

“We’re sorry,” The other girl says, “We’re so sorry, ma’am, we’re just--we--I don’t...even know how to explain--”

“Oh my god, don’t call me  _ ma’am, _ ” Ellie groans, scrubbing a hand over her face, “Jesus Christ.”

“Why did I let you talk me into this, Finn,” The book-toting girl whispers anxiously, “Holy shit--”

“We’re gonna be  _ fine _ ,” Finn whispers back, and the razor-edge is gone from her voice, the toughness, “We’re fine, Vi, it’s fine--”

And Ellie notices again, the arm thrown out protectively across the other girl.

“Fuck…” Ellie sighs, “Just get the fuck out of here--and don’t paint on this building again, or so fucking help me--”

“We won’t,” Vi promises, “We swear--”

“I don’t care how good the joke is,  _ paint it somewhere else,” _ Ellie glares the blue-haired girl down.

Finn rolls her eyes, nods in agreement.

“I mean it,” Ellie insists, “Don’t come back here, or so help me, I’ll do---something. A thing. Such a thing. A thing that is--which will be--scary and which you will...have so many regrets and--fuck, just get out of here--hurry up, get up, fucking  _ go--”  _ She waves her arms at them, and they take off together around the other side of the building in a rush of nervous laughter.

Ellie stands back, looks at the half-finished mural of a ghost holding a bottle of beer.

It’s a good one, Ellie has to admit it.

“Coulda called the cops,” Lee says, and Ellie see her there, leaned at the edge of the building, “They were just a couple of punk kids. Coulda used a good scare.”

“Nah,” Ellie says, shrugging, “I’m not gonna fuck up their lives over a boozey ghost.”

“You’re too nice,” Lee says, “Way too nice for an old lady.”

“I’m not--”

“You left your phone in the office,” Lee says, holding the little black square out to Ellie, “It’s been buzzing like crazy.”

“What…?” Ellie takes the phone.

Ten missed calls. All from Dina. 

Ellie steps away, starts to call her back. 

“Ellie?” Dina’s voice is too high pitched; something’s wrong.

“Dina,” Ellie says, “Dina, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t freak out,” Dina says.

“Okay,” Ellie promises, “No freaking out.”

“Everything is fine, there’s no reason to freak out.”

“Well, you’re saying the words  _ freak out _ so much that it’s kind of  _ freaking me out _ , to be honest--”

“My water broke,” Dina interrupts her, “But it’s fine--”

“Oh,” Ellie stops pacing the black top, looks up, “Oh. Oh!”

“Yeah, but it’s fine, Ellie, don’t--”

“Shit--shit, shit, hold on, I’m on my ghost--I mean, on my way, I--”

“Ellie, just take your time,” Dina says in a too-calm voice, “I’m fine, we’re all fine, we have plenty of time--”

“Holy fucking hell, okay, okay--” Ellie says, racing past Lee, back around the building, “Shit--Lee, I have to go, Dina’s water just broke--tell Teddy to take his Honda and fuck off--”

“I’m not doing that, but good luck,” Lee waves Ellie off, “Hurry up, good god.”

“Dina?” Ellie says into the phone as she climbs into the truck, “Dina?!”

“Yeah, I’m here, and I’m fine, we’re fine--”   


“Stop saying it like that, you’re making it sound less fine every time you say it--”

“Just fucking get here, Ellie, darling,” Dina says, and there’s the first glimmer of pain in her voice.

“I’m coming, I am--holy shit, Dina--are we, like--are we having a baby  _ today?” _

“Yeah,” Dina says, and a nervous laugh breaks through the pain, “I think we are.”


	26. 100 Million Years

> Loving you—
> 
> Sure makes me afraid—
> 
> —of losing.
> 
> But I don’t care.
> 
> I can’t slow down now.
> 
> Give my sorrow a plot twist.
> 
> I want you, you, you.
> 
> —[uuu\\\Field Medic](https://youtu.be/kacJRz9Pe90)

  
ELLIE.

She doesn’t know Dina all that well. She has to keep reminding herself of it, that she’s only been here in Jackson for a few months—she doesn’t know _anyone_ all that well. But sometimes, with Dina, it’s hard to remember that. Sometimes it feels like she’s _always_ known Dina.

Like right now. Because the field trip to the museum had been amazing and seeing an actual space shuttle had blown Ellie’s mind a little, but—the ride home, it was even better. In fact, she kind of hoped it would never end. She knows it’s getting late, because the window’s been a rectangle of black for a long time now, but she wouldn’t be mad if the bus just kept going for the rest of her life, just like this.

“Tell me something else about space,” Dina yawns, leans her head against Ellie’s shoulder, closes her eyes.

“Um…” Ellie says in a low voice, because the whole bus is mostly quiet now, “The astronauts who landed on the moon, their footprints are gonna be there for a hundred million years.”

“A hundred million?” Dina repeats with sleepy surprise.

“A hundred million,” Ellie confirms, “Or, y’know—approximately _a long motherfucking time.”_

Dina gives a little laugh. 

“Ellie?” She says after a moment, and her voice is a little softer than usual.

“Yeah?” Ellie says, and she hates that her heart won’t stop thumping so hard in her chest.

“Is this okay?” Dina asks, “I mean—you’re not—you don’t have to be anybody’s _pillow—_ “

“It’s okay,” Ellie says, too quickly, way too quickly, “It’s cool. I’m, like, the best pillow. Kids back home used to call me _Pillow._ ”

Dina gives a very real kind of laugh. 

“They didn’t,” She says confidently, “But I like you anyway, Pillow.”

Ellie smiles and she feels a little more relaxed somehow, even if being this close to Dina feels like how she imagines it would be if you stuck a fork into a power outlet. A little like dying, a little like being too alive.

“I like you, too,” She says, “We should be friends or something,”

“Done,” Dina says, getting a little more still against Ellie’s shoulder, “Friendship established.”

Ellie wants to laugh but doesn’t, because she suspects Dina might be almost asleep. And she can’t think of a single place in the world she would rather be.

And it occurs to her that she might be in real trouble here.

Because she doesn’t just like Dina. 

She _really_ likes Dina.

And she’s not sure she knows how to stop.

She could keep on really liking Dina for a long time.

—

DINA.

“He’s beautiful, Dina,” Ellie whispers, as if they’re in a church, a sacred space—and Dina understands, because she feels it, too. 

Ellie is pressed in against her side, with the baby swaddled tight and cradled with so much care in her arms. Dina will never forget the look on her face, that first time Ellie held him. That look that started as panic and uncertainty, that intense fear of accidentally hurting him—but in an instant it had resolved into something she’d never seen in Ellie before. A profound kind of softness settled over Ellie as she looked down into his face for the first time and it seemed to Dina that it was like meeting _two_ new people, two people who were instantly and irrevocably her whole world.

So with the three of them here now, huddled together on the bed, Ellie still holding him, looking down into his face like she can’t look away—well, it makes Dina think that maybe it’s not the _place_ that feels sacred. It’s just a hospital room. Maybe it’s the _moment_. This single space of time, this perfect cohesion of the three of them—maybe that’s what feels surreal and tender and deeply sanctified, somehow.

“Dina?” Ellie says, “Dina—are you okay?”

She realizes she’s crying. Not a little— _really_ crying, the kind that can’t be stopped, that turns into quiet sobs.

“I’m fine,” She tells Ellie through the haze of tears, “I’m really fine—“

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says, looking unsure and maybe a little worried, “I didn’t—I don’t—“

“No,” Dina says, and she leans in toward Ellie, puts her head on Ellie’s shoulder, still trying to catch her breath, “No, you didn’t do anything—“

She looks down at him, this perfect little person, unwounded, unburdened, unaware yet of just how tremendously he’s loved. She looks at Ellie’s arms, wrapped around him, with every familiar freckle and scar and line. Her hands, the very picture of contradictions—strong and rough with callouses across the fingers of her left hand formed by the twang of nylon strings—and yet, still capable of this kind of heart-aching gentleness. 

“I just love you so much,” Dina says, voice still heavy, “I love him. I love us. I love this.”

Ellie relaxes a little, leans her head in against Dina’s.

“I love this, too,” She says, “We should be a family or something.”

“Done,” Dina says, laughing a little despite herself.

And maybe she’s just exhausted, emotionally and physically and deep down in her bones. But she’s not sure there’s ever been a more perfect moment in her life. She’s not sure she’s ever felt more love, or felt more loved herself.

And it’s enough to make her cry all over again, thinking about how lucky they are that it never has to stop.

Not every moment will feel sacred or sanctified—she’s sure that some moments ahead will be messy and exhausting and hard. 

But she has no doubts—not a single one—that these two people—she’ll love them for every moment of the rest of her life. 

She could love them until there were no more footprints left on the moon.

  
  



End file.
